Opulent Yule

Apparently one cannot pin from Polyvore anymore. Not even one's own sets. Bummer.

Anyway, I would like to wear something like this for Yule.

opulent yule

I love how God works.

Today's message from Brave Girls:

"Keep your thoughts in the places that you want to be, dear friend. It takes a tremendous amount of discipline, but it is so worth it to train your mind to shy away from fear, hopelessness, dread, negativity, anger and jealousy. It truly is possible to practice day by day turning your thoughts towards gratitude, happiness and goodness, true happiness for the accomplishments and blessings of others, hope for the future, and forgiveness....even in the most difficult of times.

Each day, just make a solid decision that you will do whatever it takes to feel peace for the rest of the day. When a difficult feeling or situation arises, remind yourself of the commitment that you made that morning. Focus your mind on the beauty of the world, on the love that others have for you, on the love that you have for others, and on the blessings that you find in the moment (even if those blessings are as small as the fact that you have a roof over your head) and focus on hope for better days.

We must choose for yourself how you will feel, how you will react, how you will move forward in each moment. No one can do this for us. It is SO worth the work it takes to train ourselves to continuously focus on what is RIGHT rather than what is wrong.

Yesterday I joined Amelie Chance's mailing list about how to get over a broken heart. This is today's message:

"...whatever the thoughts are – you miss him or her, you hate this feeling, you feel like crud – the issue is that they repeat themselves over and over and…

...there is a way to put an end to nagging thoughts. Like your attachment to your ex, your attachment to these thoughts has been hard wired in your mind. The attachment has actually formed pathways in your brain…

The first method is to literally flip the thoughts on their head with a more realistic, positive statement. One of the statements I  started with, "I'm never going to meet anyone else" is a common post-break up fear. If you step back and focus within, you know that this is simply not true.

Whether you're a youngster or late into your years, the likelihood of never meeting anyone else is, well, zero. You will. So, the first statement that you won't is an unrealistic one. The reason you keep thinking about it over and over is because having a broken heart HURTS and your subconscious mind is trying to protect you from going through this pain ever again.

When you have a recurring negative thought, first pause and take a moment. Thank your brain for trying to protect you. I'm serious,  actually say, “Thanks brain, I got it, you're protecting me.” Then rethink the thought in a more realistic method - “The more likely outcome is that I will meet someone.”

In order to rewire your mind to reference the positive thought and totally get rid of the negative one, write it down. Each time you have the thought, flip it to the realistic thought - in writing. Use sticky notes or use your phone...writing it out will rewire that
stubborn mind of yours..."

And my husband reminded me of the power of mantra. And I'm not talking about the transcendental crap (excuse my attitude), but what actually happens when you repeat something over and over again so that it becomes automatic. It has a calming effect. It stops you from obsessing. Your mind is already "obsessing" about the mantra, and your mind is very easily bored and fickle. It cannot hold an emotion more than 10 seconds. Anything beyond that is your own, conscious doing, and if you are being distracted by the mantra, you can't upkeep the emotion.

And I was reminded of the Lesson of The Fool - "on the contrary".
I think I'm worthless, so I'll flip the idea around and say "No, you're wrong, I'm worth a lot!"
You say I can't do something, I'll do it just to show that I can.
I'm afraid of something, so I'll do just that.

Now, these people make me feel... no, *I* make myself feel worthless, ugly, disgusting, whiny, childish and bothersome.
I need to tell myself that I am worthy, beautiful and pleasing.
I need to remind me of that my complaints are reasonable and sound, and my cause is just, and of course people try to get rid of me and my complaints by calling me whiny and bothersome. That is what happens to everyone who has complaints.
That what you call childish, I call naïve, childlike, innocent, guileless, sensitive, genuine, natural, simple, spontaneous, trusting, open, honest, ingenuous, sincere, unartificial, unpretentious, open, undisguised, unreserved, unaffected, unfeigned - and it's delightful, fresh and adorable!
There is nothing wrong with any of these qualities, even when there are people who try to push you down and destroy your innocence by calling you "childish", as if being "mature" was being a deceitful, dishonest, sly, devious, lying, complicated, untrusting, untrustworthy, fake, evasive, insincere, secretive, unnatural, contrived, pretentious PIECE OF SH*T!
Yes, I am naïve, I admit that. Because there's nothing wrong in being naïve, and everything wrong with people who would abuse and mock naïvity.

How to get over rejection and broken heart?

I am having really difficult time with dealing with rejection and broken heart. He did it in a very ugly way.  Very, very ugly way...
I mean... in a high school, you have a crush on someone, who's been really nice, but immediately when you confess your crush to someone, that someone starts ignoring you... but you know he's been talking about you with his friends... You know the feeling? Happens all the time. In high school...
My "crush" did this.

We are not in high school.We were in high school more than 20 years ago. Not even HIS KIDS are in high school anymore.

Ugly Girl Problems... a blog for "every ugly girl out there".
And, yes, it hurts, because this is exactly how it feels.

That *I* am so disgusting he cannot even behave like the adult he is, all the veneer of age, experience, understanding, maturity, is just washed away and he reacts like the human animal we all are... I'm so disgusting.
I'm so disgusting I'll never get a guy, and I'll die alone.

The sick thing with this is that there's another aspect to the whole thing - I'm married.
I'm happily married.
I'm married and madly, deeply, truly in love with my husband.
I think my husband is the best guy in the universe, and I'm really lucky to have him in my life.
And he loves me.
Our marriage is of the kind people dream about.

I love you, I love you, I love you, Henric :-)
Thank you for picking this ugly mutt, because you think she's adorable,

and thank you for thinking she's adorable :-)
Ugly mutts need love too :-)

So - what am I complaining about? I don't even NEED this other guy. I don't really even WANT him.
So - I'm ashamed of having a crush on him, and ashamed for feeling heart-broken and rejected... because I don't have any real reason to feel this way. So - not only am I heart-broken, I'm ungrateful too. A nasty person... I don't deserve my wonderful husband.
So... is God going to punish me for being ungrateful and take away my husband? That's what I deserve.

But the feeling is there. If I'm so disgusting this adult man acts like a teen-aged brat when I say I like him, what chances do I have to ever...
I believe everyone, except my husband and my family, is lying about liking me. I'm convinced the whole world looks at me and sees this disgusting person.

So, when they say the best way to get over a broken heart is to have a life again, to socialize, to get new friends, to enjoy the company of the old friends, to go out and do things with people...

Oh, God, I can't!
Every time I am to go out, to walk the dog, to go to town and swim, to go and take a walk in the forest... It feels like I have a walking band and neon light signs around me, screaming at everyone "here she is, the troll who is so stupid she thought she is a human being". Who had the nerve to assume she could have romantic feelings to a human being. Ridiculous, pitiful, disgusting... Disgusting, repulsive, ugly, horrible, nasty...

I can't, I can't, I can't...
I don't want to be disgusting and ugly.

My husband doesn't think I am, so I want to stay inside with him the rest of his life... and may God have mercy on me and let him live long and stay healthy.

But I also want to have a life. I don't want to feel unworthy, disgusting and impossible to be loved. I don't want to cry every day, I don't want to think about him and miss him, and be reminded of him. I want to get over him, forget him, give him the exact amount of time, effort, thoughts and feelings he deserves, which is nothing at all. I want to forgive him, stop being sad and bitter, and have a happy life.
I don't think I can, I don't think I'm worth it, but... I want to be.
And that is what matters, they say.

They say that it's ok to feel all these feelings when one is heart-broken. That it's normal. That I have to accept that I have a broken heart and that it hurts. And that's proof of that I am a human, that I have a heart, a good heart, capable of feeling, that I am a loving human being, and that I am alive.
All that is good. All that is wonderful. None of that is a sign of a "worthless, disgusting, nasty troll". On the contrary.

Then I need to forgive the guy.
I need to understand that I don't have the whole picture of what really happened. It doesn't need to be personal. It doesn't need to mean I have done something wrong, or there's anything wrong with me. It probably doesn't. Most likely it doesn't.
I understand... in a way... The situation was such that it wasn't quite appropriate for him to treat the crush as such, and he followed the protocol and did what he was supposed to do. He handled the situation correctly, by the book. But I'm not a book page. I'm not piece of paper. They are not counting in the human factor.  There should be room for considering people as the emotional, sensitive beings we are, and not just follow the book, but... it wouldn't have taken too much for him to reject me nicely and kindly, and that would have been enough to save me from all this.
Now I feel like *I* am not worth the kindness.

Maya Angelou said:  
"We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better"
He did the best he could with what he knew. It's not his fault that he couldn't do better. It's not my fault that he couldn't do better. It doesn't say anything about my worth, it's all about his best... and no-one can demand more than one's best from one. One cannot give more than one's best. He did his best, he did what he knew how to, and it's not his fault, nor mine, that his best wasn't good for me.

So - it would have taken too much for him to reject me nicely and kindly. He couldn't give me that, for different reasons, which I can't think of. And it doesn't need to involve me.
And, sure, one can think it is weak, but - which of us human beings isn't weak? One way or another, we all are. That's part of being human.
So - he's a human being. What's bad with that? Nothing.

But this is what I have. This is what I don't want to have. So I need to stop repeating it over and over again, and let go. I won't ever get an apology. I won't ever get an explanation. I won't ever find out why he made the decision he made and why he didn't correct the error when I pointed out an error had been made.
And, God, how it hurts...
I can't understand how my desperate pleading didn't change anything. How could they just ignore my obvious pain? Why couldn't they just simply tell me they have compassion... oh, the fake smiles and chilly politeness, the air of partly being afraid of me, and partly despising me... and total incomprehension... as if I was a zoo animal, a freak show specimen...

One of them said "I think you are so interesting!" after I had been speaking half an hour about how I feel and think about what happened, that I would probably have killed myself had I not had my husband, with shaking voice and hands, tears in my eyes... not one of them said "I'm so sorry you feel that way". Not one of them has in any way acknowledged my pain, confusion, fear and despair associated with what happened... And that... that is the hardest part to bear. Because it makes my feelings irrelevant. And that makes me feel like my feelings are... imagined, faked, shown for manipulation purposes, that I'm a drama queen, attention seeker, trying to get something I have no right to...
But... isn't compassion a human right? If I am able to show compassion to my fellow human beings, why can't they show compassion to me?
My husband has taught me that being open and honest and speaking about my feelings and how I see the situation, avoiding "you-message" - that is, saying "this happened and it makes me think, feel, believe..." in stead of "you did this, you made me feel...", will get me the compassion I desire, and it's just not working in this case, and I don't understand why.
Uh. They are doing their best, I'm doing mine, and some time it just doesn't work.
Get over it, let it go, stop beating the dead horse. THIS.HORSE.IS.DEAD.

There are a couple of things they say will help with overcoming a broken heart.

"Withdrawal is part of our flight or fight response. Choose to fight."

The feeling of wanting to disappear from the face of earth, never wanting - or daring - to see another human being again, and absolutely not interact with other human beings, is normal. It's "flight" part of the "flight or fight response".
I need to go out and be with people. Get into fight again. Learn to trust in humanity again. No, I'm not after finding a guy, I already have one, but I need to get over my "I'm so disgusting, people hate me" complex.

"Simply show them they are not as indispensable as they think. They can be replaced. With someone kinder, more mature, better looking, more fun, more exciting. The feelings of humiliation you're experiencing, the 'please don't bump into me, where can I hide, can I switch towns and change my name' has been experienced by some of the most beautiful women in the world. There's not something particularly wrong with you, there's just something wrong with the choice you made. You wanted pizza and went to an ice cream store... ...Circulate, socialize, network. Hang out with friends in places that are busy with communication. Give decent guys approaching opportunity, even if its a five second conversation. You are trying not to lose your faith in humanity."

"...put the pain behind you and move forward with your life and love. Otherwise, you are giving away your power to the people who hurt you."

"The first tip to overcome the emptiness is to identify the triggers (times, places, and things) that cause you the most pain... and ...have a pre-planned adjustment to counteract each trigger."
- Amelie Chance

* Seeing someone in the same situation getting what I expected to get, what I wanted to get and what I didn't get.
* Going to places where I could see or meet him.
* Seeing or hearing anything about things that made him different from other people I know. Like his birth place, or hair color. Or specific hobbies and preferences.

It's hard to associate these things with something else, but I suppose I have to, because I can't avoid those places or subjects. 

"One of the best things you can do is to develop new habits and routines to re-establish yourself as an individual without your ex. Missing someone is like a craving, so it's important to avoid triggers – like going to the same pub or continuing old habits that you used to share."

"...the relationship you need to rescue is the one with yourself" 

"Blare some of your favorite, feel-good tunes: 

Listening to them can trigger the release of endorphins, 

lifting your spirits and combating stress."

"Turn your attention to the future, whether it be setting new goals or trying new activities. Focus on yourself by using the opportunity to stay busy. For example, if you feel your lack of skill in a second language cost you a job, use the rejection as motivation to enhance your proficiency in a new language."

I suppose I need to start believing that he made me a favor by rejecting me. He saved me from his company. In that case, it is true when they say "there's plenty of fish in the sea". There is no "mr. Right". I'm not saying he's a bad guy, or worthless piece of crap, not at all. I'm sure he could have been a good friend, and a nice husband and all that. But there are others out there. Sure, he's unique, but not irreplaceable. I found him, I'll found others who are just as good. Or better.
*sigh* Find your tribe...

But - "if you feel your lack of skill in a second language cost you a job..."
I believe my lack of beauty and physical appeal costs me... lovers, friends, network, social life... but that's my BDD speaking. I wouldn't want people to be my friends because they think I'm pretty. This way at least I'll know who my true friends are... and they are there. My husband, for example, loves me and sees me as beautiful, even if the rest of the world thinks I'm hideous. And I consider my internet-friends to be real friends.
Nevertheless... I COULD work on making me as beautiful as I can be... to remove that excuse, at least. On the other hand... I have BDD. And because the world treats me the way it does, because that's what world does, not because of anything I am or do, I would take the fact that nothing changes even when I try to be as pretty and appealing as I can, as proof of that I'm a repulsive troll. And the more I put effort into something, the more important it becomes, and... I don't want to give my BDD any more fuel.
But... *sigh*
Nah. There is nothing wrong in taking care of oneself, and getting fit and... not pretty, but find my own style. This blog is all about that, and I really need to stop waiting for Gogol and start giving me what I really want, start being me. Not getting thin and fit because someone might like me more that way, but because I want to.
Because those people who don't like me when I'm at my worst, don't deserve me when I'm at my best.

And there's that... "make them regret they ever rejected you."

"Focusing on rejection can lead to negative thoughts and anxiety. Realize that you could just as easily focus on all of the positive things in your life, and your positive qualities." 

"When you use catastrophic terms like "nightmare," "terrible," and "horrible," you're bound to spend time dwelling on the negative."  

"Don't try to come up with reasons on why it happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Allow yourself to feel heartbreak—that's what actually gets us over it."

"Meditation is a great way to quiet the mind and help deal with the tendency to beat yourself up for things going wrong, says Piver, a practicing Buddhist. Another approach when negative thoughts are running endlessly through your mind is to get up and do something else."

How to get over the humiliation of being rejected
8 steps to mend a broken heart
heal my broken heart
Getting over a broken heart
How to get over a guy who humiliates you

Last night I cried...

I have Asperger's so I'm slightly OC. Slightly... ROTFLMAO!
My obsessive compulsiveness is mostly beating dead horses. Now, this saying comes from a horrible practice of beating fallen horses in effort of getting them to get up again, but the thinking is the same. I just cannot accept that the horse is dead.

A half a year ago "supported employment" project ended catastrophically. It wasn't a big catastrophe, just a catastrophe for one person, but to that person - me - it was really bad. So bad that even after half a year I'm still thinking about it in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep and the thoughts make me cry.

Oh, people have told me that it's they who are the "bad guys" here, that I really did nothing wrong... That, of course, I could have done things differently, I would have, had I known they were lying... er... didn't mean what I thought they meant with what they said.

   (I mean... really... how can "it's ok to speak of anything, you can trust me" mean  
   "if you speak of a certain thing, I'll leave you, abandon you, forsake you, cast you out, 
   disown you, will never, ever, ever speak to you again, not even to tell you it's not ok 
   to speak of that thing"? I would really like to know, so that I won't cause the "death curse" 
   be cast upon me again, because it dang hurts! It's f-ing killing me!)

          ("Death curse" is a form of banishment from Jean M. Auel's Earth's Children books. 
          When someone is cursed to death, the rest of the group act as if the person was dead,
          so they actively avoid even seeing the person.)

           ("...the silent treatment is the worst form of emotional abuse. It is a punishment used 
          by abusers to make you feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely 
          absent from the abuser's thoughts... ...Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone 
          from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye 
          or a chance at reconciliation." 
           http://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html)

Anyway, I felt that I got a "death curse" cast on me for... well... acting as people with Asperger's do, by these people, who should be professionals in dealing with issue concerning people with Asperger's. Not good.

I don't consider myself being heard, even though I had a chance to talk about my complaint with them. It was totally irrelevant. They haven't taken any responsibility of their part of what happened, they haven't acknowledged how their practice of dealing with this kind of issues is not working, or is harmful to the users, they haven't apologized or shown any form of sympathy to my obvious distress, they haven't responded to my questions in a satisfactory manner (usually the questions are just ignored, or they answer to something I didn't ask.) and there was no closure. It just ended one day. I still cry when I happen to see shows on television where a personal trainer helped a person with weight loss or other things (like MADE in MTV) and how they bid farewells... "It has been nice, I'm going to miss you, I'm sure you'll be all right and do well. Good luck and Godspeed." None of that. Not even as a response to when I said it. (I do have SOME manners.) I felt I was slightly irritating, a nuisance, and they were happy to get rid of me, couldn't wait for me to go and leave them be.

So, yes, THEY did wrong.

And I do react like every sane human being on silent treatment. I feel worthless, deserving the punishment, because it was all my fault that it happened (yes, they said that. Later they apologized for "the unfortunate wording"... not the message conveyed with the words.) and that I am a bad person for bothering these "good people". I feel like an outcast. I feel abandoned, forsaken, disowned... I feel not worthy to be remembered or missed, I feel like I was a bother, a nuisance, a pest.

And I cannot understand what I did to deserve this. Why am I not worth to be treated decently? Why am I not worth the five minutes it would have taken to get a proper closure and farewell? They didn't even bother lying, that's how much worth I am. What did I do wrong? I was being honest, sincere, open, trusting...

     The thing I said was "I have a crush on you". That's the worst part of it... and he didn't say 
     "oh, er, that's really sweet of you, but I'm sorry, as I am your work coach, I have to say 
     goodbye a little bit earlier than intended." He just vanished like fart in Sahara. 
     I feel like Penelope when she showed her face to her suitors and they ran screaming away 
     and jumped through the first window just to get away from her... I told a guy I liked him 
     and he ran screaming away and has not said one word to me after that... and he's 54...
     No, I don't have a snout, but I apparently don't need one to be hideous. 

     And, yes, it hurts my pride and vanity too. 
     But that doesn't make it any better.

I must be a horrible person... disgusting, repulsive... my BDD bursted into flames with this kind of fuel. I'm so ugly people should be protected from being violated by the sight of me. I am everything anyone has said negative about me, childish, whiny, stupid, boring, narcissistic, stinking, nasty... I have no good qualities, nothing to give in a relationship with other human beings, there are no reasons for people to be with me, but all the reasons for not to be with me. I'm going to die alone and lonely, because I'm a shit of a human being, waste of the space I take on earth, and I should really correct this mistake of God, do the world and human kind a service, the only sensible thing, the only thing I can do to make the world a better place, and kill myself.

And I sat in my bed and cried and tried to stop crying because I can't breathe if I cry a lot. My darling husband, my sweetest, my love, my biggest blessing, my dearest, tried to comfort me, fetched me ice pads and water, tried to pat me and hug me and tell me how much he loves me and did everything right. God, I love him. It's so sick that I can feel that way about some stupid, insignificant assholes, when I have this man in my life :-) I should really be singing God's praise 24/7!
But, no, I'm crying my eyes out.

I try to count my blessings, and it's not working.

So - I change the subject. I start thinking about all the things I have pinned on Pinterest, and things I've seen on television, things that has as little as possible to do with me, to move the focus from me to something I can believe is nice and interesting and funny and wonderful. (because how much my husband tries to convince me of that I am one of those things, I cannot believe it when I'm in a deep, black hole.)

Edwardian Farm. I love it.
Discovery Science and Game Changers... I especially loved the guys who made fuel of algae (Jonathan Wolfson and Harrison Dillon and Solazyme)... Or made algae make fuel. And ice cream and face cream and any form of oil/fat possible. Now, that's something!

Anyway, I managed to sleep, and when I went to read my mail this morning, I found this:

"Dear Spectacular Girl,

People are good, so so good. Sometimes people get all mixed up, though....or hurt....or confused...and good people do hurtful things. You might even think that they have become "bad", but usually it's just a good person who has gotten mixed up by something difficult or even devastating going on their life. Sometimes you can't see all of the details behind their actions or decisions, but only the hurtful parts.

Sometimes people hurt us SO BADLY that we never want to trust or associate with another person again. Sometimes we lose our faith in most of the human race.

Please don't let a few bad experiences with others keep you from the rest of the amazing people to be found in the world. We need other people...and other people need us. Isolating ourselves and never trusting another person can truly starve our own souls.

Be brave and reach out. Make boundaries, but let yourself love others, and be loved by others. There are so many incredible, kind souls all around you just waiting to be a part of your life. Just try.....life is so much better when shared with others. You have so much to give, and others have so much to give to you.

You are amazing, and you are loved.
xoxo"

Brave Girls Club message for 1st of September.
(Really, join their mailing list. They have managed to say me something I need to hear - spot on, like this one - now almost every day!)

P.S: And, again, I go rambling on, and somewhere during the road I got lost... (I MUST have ADD... X-D) - the dead horse here is that if these people understood that they are indeed abusing me, they would stop. Wouldn't they? Because they are good people, aren't they? They are not hurting me on purpose, but because they don't know they are hurting me, so if I only could make them understand, they would stop!

But - my wise husband is telling me "no". They would not stop, they would not listen to me, because if they did validate my version of what happened, they would need to admit being "bad people", having abused me, and who wants that? It's easier, better for them to keep ignoring me and finding me irritating yapping about stupid things, and believing they did exactly what they were supposed to do, what they have always done, will always do, by the book, and that they did nothing wrong.

I declare sovereignty!

I don't know if you remember me yapping about "this guy" and "those people" and "the thing" that happened about a half a year ago. It was horrible. It was bad. But I think I might start getting over it.
I wrote to the guys a couple of days ago, trying to normalize things. I expected them to answer, in the spirit of "let's pretend the mess never happened, and move on". They never responded. So - the mess happened.
 I suppose they don't understand that THEY are responsible of the mess, and THEY have NEVER taken ANY responsibility of ANY part of what happened, that THEIR praxis of dealing with that kind of things reeks, and THEY need to change it to avoid hurting more people. THEY have NEVER acknowledged the mental damage they caused me, nor have THEY apologized or shown ANY measure of compassion or altruism to my suffering... that THEY caused.
So I have been giving THEM a chance to do better...
And the fact that they refuse to take it shows that THEY think they have done nothing wrong! In spite of me telling them exactly what they did wrong and how they could fix it, they refuse to admit any wrong doing.
Unbelievable.

Until today, when I realized that human beings are a fear-based lifeform.
That's why the Law of Jante exists.
It was essential for the early human beings to be suspicious and careful, to stay low and keep the rest of the group low too. The modern human being, with no natural (or unnatural) enemies still act on that, so everyone who is different, sticks up, makes noise, must be silenced and leveled as quickly as possible, because that kind of behavior would have endangered the whole primal human group's safety.

It's just another facet of the social behavior I have been talking about earlier, about how neurodifferent people are labeled as socially awkward, socially inept, socially incompetent, lacking theory of mind. We don't play the social games, because we see no reason to play them.That they are being played is not a good enough reason. That there are negative consequences of not playing, is not a good enough reason either.

So - today I realized these guys are afraid. They are not talking to me because they are scared of me. Scared of the consequences, scared of their own inability to deal with the consequences... and there is nothing I can do or say to show I'm harmless.
Because I am not.

Then I read a blog entry of sweet, beloved Daphne, about body sovereignty...
and realized that I really, really, really cannot force these guys to grow. I can't waste time and effort and thoughts on them anymore. They have shown that they don't want to change, they can't change, they don't want my help, my concern... they are happy with their being as it is, even though *I* can clearly see that the world they are so scared of, isn't that dangerous. Even though I thought they had heard me, had been listening to me enough to know, I might be scary, my ideas might be scary, but they lead to a whole new world full of possibilities...

And then I realized that *I* have been refusing the possibility as well! I am so not happy with my life as it is.
Sure, it hurts when the buds burst oped, but refusing the bloom hurts more... and it's ME who is not allowing myself to bloom! No-one else. Because no-one else has the power!
Sure, the world is full of stupid people, who will try to protect the group and put me down, one way or another. Law of Jante exists and is strong. But isn't part of the joy of living overcoming the limits, even when the limit is Law of Jante? The inborn social fear of the whole mankind? But think of the price... Think about why you are doing this...
Do you really think it's better to let the stupid, scaredy people push you down into a miserable existence that cannot be called life, at least not life worth living, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW THAT IF THEY MANAGE, THEY WON'T THANK YOU FOR BEING A "GOOD GIRL". No, you won't get rewarded, you will be watched with suspicion, because you dared to try to break the cage. You are unreliable, dangerous, a threat to a normal society, so you need to be kept in tight reigns. They won't ever, ever, ever let you become anything more than you are right now. Is that really what you want from your life?

CLAIM THE SOVEREIGNTY

OVER YOUR BODY AND YOUR LIFE!

Because you are worth it.

"Yes pain is what’s felt when buds burst open" by Karin Boye

I'm really sad right now

I cut out soda. Not 100%. The last half a year I have drank 4 cans of soda. I drink water instead. I drink a lot of water. No change in my weight.

I stopped eating at least 3 hours before bed. I eat between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M. I drink tea if I'm hungry after seven, and wait for the breakfast. Hey, I'm fat. I'm not going to starve to death because I have to wait for 12 hours to eat! But - no change in my weight.

I started walking. 5K every day. It took me over an hour the first times I did it. No change in my weight. I started walking 10K, because I got angry, and it was too much, too early, I hurt my foot and was unable to walk 100 meters... Really fun. But - no change in my weight.

Portion control? Not really. I TRY to, but I still eat too much. So I try to eat good things, like veggies, fruits, meat, eggs and unsweetened dairy.
I try to avoid starch like potatoes, bread or pasta. I avoid sugar like hell.
I don't avoid fat, because I don't believe in fat being a bad thing. Perhaps it is.
I give myself one "candy day" every week, when I can eat anything I want to, as much of it as I want to...

I weighed myself every day, but when my weight was UNCHANGED after a MONTH of following these rules, that SHOULD "work", I was so disheartened and depressed, my husband hid the scales.
He allowed me to weigh myself this month. No change in weight.

I have been trying to lose weight for half a year now, doing these things. I have exercised, done my Callanetics, and, well, I'm getting more compact, thinner, less fat. But my weight is still the f-ing 106 kilos it has been through this whole half a year. Well... It fluctuates a little. I have weighed 104 kilos, and 108 kilos, but 9 times of 10 the weight will show 106 kilos. So - I don't give a damn about the 2 kilos yo-yo. I should have passed 100 kilos on my way down, already! I SHOULD HAVE!!!

WHY ISN'T ANYTHING HAPPENING?

WHAT THE F AM I DOING WRONG?

How am I supposed to NOT stop eating, when changing my eating habits doesn't show anywhere?
How can I motivate me to change my eating habits, and deny myself unhealthy, nasty food, like candy, fast food, bread with butter, pasta with creamy sauces, baked goods, when avoiding them doesn't show anywhere?

I am desperate! Yes, I can blame my medication that apparently makes me go up in weight - so what I lose by dieting, I gain through the medicine. Yes, I can blame my sleep apnea. I can blame my stress and depression.
NEVERTHELESS, THESE THINGS SHOULD ONLY MAKE IT SLOWER. NOT NON-EXISTENT!


I just want to die.

Don't quit

"Think of a time when you almost gave up... almost quit... almost threw in the towel... but decided to just give it one more shot.
Where did that decision take you?"

More heartache, no resolution, nothing I wanted, more confirmation of that I'm worthless, ugly, disgusting... More fear. I am hiding from the world and licking my wounds, not daring to go out there, because it f-ing hurts.

"Now think today about something that you are ready to throw out the window... something that meant the world to you at one time... or maybe it still does... maybe it's someONE who meant the world to you. Maybe, just maybe... it would be totally worth it to give it one more shot, to keep going... what do you have to lose?"

What do I have to lose? My life as I know it. It might not be perfect, but it's a good life, and losing it I would lose worthy "things". But I know I would have a good life full of worthy "things", even when they'd be different "things"...

I believe the things we notice are messages from the Universe... this message hit a string in my soul. So... what if... if I don't give up, if I don't quit, but keep pushing, keep trying, I'll get what I want?

But... what if it is because I want the dream, the illusion to be true? This message is telling me to keep going, to keep smashing my head against the wall, because the wall is going to fall... But what if my head breaks before the wall?
What if I'm not giving up on someone, but letting go of someone?
What if that thing I can't imagine being fully alive without is something that is in reality harming me?

Then I received this:

Uh. I NEED to become like he is to get what I want in life... and I love being with him... so I want him to be one of the five people.
So - do I keep pushing for something that isn't really good for me, do I keep pushing my will against everything, causing havoc in the lives of at least 4 people, probably even more through the ripples, just to satisfy this obsession of mine?
Is it an obsession because it is meant to be?
If it's meant to be, I can't influence the outcome whether I act or not, because it's meant to be...
But what if... what if I am suppose to act? What if this is incentive from God to get me active? 

I'm going into pieces.

And this: Unbreak my heart at Pinterest