Hi, I'm Ket and I'm a messie

"Messies accumulate piles of papers and other objects in their homes, so that the space becomes nearly uninhabitable. This behaviour resembles addiction, and those affected often realize they are behaving irrationally. Objects are kept because they might come in handy some time, or because they are associated with memories which make it impossible to throw them away. Messies are often unable to allow visitors into their homes and as a result become increasingly isolated. Many messies hold on to the illusion of sorting through their piles and creating a well-organized archive."
- ican films: messies

I have problems with keeping my home clean. We have a lot of stuff, but not really places to storage it all.

I don't see myself as a hoarder - or collector - even though my home reminds of the homes presented in "Hoarders". There isn't that much of trash lying around, but there's stuff. I suppose a lot of people would classify some of the stuff as trash, even me, but it's hard to spot what is trash and what is not in the mess.
Yes, it's that messy.
You might say I collect books and "craft material" ("I can do something with this"), but I wouldn't call accumulating these things collecting. You collect things like butterflies or stamps, not "craft material". It's not hoarding either, because I wouldn't care if most of the books and the "craft material" was lost. Now, there are things with a high sentimental value to me. Books I know I want to read over and over... the mere idea of letting go of them gives me anxiety. I don't think that's what they mean with hoarding. (I suppose I AM a book hoarder... *blush*)

Frankly... I don't find this a picture of a cluttered room, but a very cosy and lovely room.

I wonder if it's the antique book shop in Paris, where people can sleep.

Are You A Clutterer Test

1. Do you feel overwhelmed when thinking about your clutter?
Yes

2. Have you tried to "clean up" or "organize" yourself repeatedly, with no lasting results?
Yes. It's like loosing weight. I'm yo-yo cleaning.

3. Are you ashamed to have anyone come to your home?
Oh, yes. Cleanliness is close to godliness, and untidy people are lazy. So my home is a proof of that I'm a bad person. Besides, people find messy homes nasty and don't want to come.

4. Do you feel more confused in your home than in the outside world?
No. I'm an Aspie. This is my mess, outside the home it's just as messy, but it's someone else's mess, and extremely much bigger problem, and totally unmanageable by one person. I might be able to keep my home clean, but not the world.

5. Do you find yourself buying more of everything because, "you never know when you will run out?"
Nah.

6. Do you have multiple copies of books, software, clothing or any other items because you couldn't find what you already owned when you needed it?
No. I'm poor. I can't afford not finding what I need.

7. Has your spouse or partner expressed dismay about the way you live?
Well... yes, but he's a messie too, and in my mind even worse than I am. He is a hoarder.

8. Do you flit from one task to another, feeling like you never get anything done?

Not really... I feel like Sisyphus. I get one corner cleaned and go to clean the next corner, and when that's done, the first corner is messy again. Or, it's the yo-yo cleaning. I clean and clean, and after a week it's clean and I'm dead tired, and after a couple of days it needs to be done again. The work never ends, and my home is never clean.

9. Do you find that you concentrate better in noisy situations?
I don't find much difference. I try not to multitask, but it's not easy.

10. Do you find yourself getting distracted easily?
Sometimes.

11. Do you feel like, "What's the use, it will just get messed up again," when you begin to declutter?
As said before. Yes.

12. Do you hold onto broken items because "they might come in handy someday," or "I'm going to fix them someday?"
Some. Also, "it's not that broken, I can still use it" or "I could make something of it".

13. Do you hold onto relationships that do not serve you because, "This is the best I can do?"
Not really.

14.
Do you feel like there will never be enough for you?
No.
Do you believe that you do not deserve any better than what you have?
Not really. Sometimes I think this is my destiny, that my things won't stay nice and whole and clean, that everything will be tainted somehow, because it's mine. I don't dare to get nice things, because they will be damaged anyway. Not because I'm not worth it, because I am, but because things tend to taint near me. It's better we have an armchair rescued from trashes than go and buy something expensive (yes, new armchairs from stores are expensive in our budget) just to see it get destroyed in a matter of months. Nothing lasts for years in this household, so it's no use spending money on good things.

15. Do you feel more "lack" than prosperity in your life?
I feel "I can't afford..." I consider myself quite rich in the life area... I'm loved, I'm relatively healthy, I'm talented and blessed... that there is not that much things and money and stuff isn't really important.

16. Do you find it hard to decide what is worth keeping and what is not?
Not really.

17. Do you obsess about saving food? Do you have enough canned goods to feed the neighborhood?
No.

18. Do you save garbage -- fast food boxes and wrappers, obvious trash, things that smell bad etc?
No.

Yes, I'm a clutterer.
I don't have ADHD, but my husband does.
I don't have OCD.
I'm not a hoarder.
I am also - actually - a pretty good organizer. I'm an Aspie. But I can't afford all the fancy organizing solutions. I wish I could, but I can't. An organizer would not be able to help me with the mess, unless she/he comes with the fancy organizing solutions. >:->

Step One

Make a strong take-off every day. A good take-off sets the tone of the day. When you:

WAKE UP — set a time
JUMP UP — don’t lie in bed, there’s a wonderful world waiting
MAKE UP — the bed immediately, automatically
EAT UP — something nutritious
WASH UP — bathe body or wash face
BRUSH UP — take care of your teeth
DRESS UP — completely from head to toe including hair, shoes, and makeup of some kind on your face
LOOK UP — somewhere during the day you need to turn your heart upward to God (a great way to start the day)

Add any other steps you may need to your flight plan, like TAKE A WALK. They don’t have to end with UP.

- messies anonymous - getting started

Yeah... I was a member of Fly Ladies for some time. I was irritated by the snobbish attitude. Everyone seemed to assume that people had dishwashers, laundry machines, cars... people were told to buy organizing helpers from the "head quarters". The last straw for me was when one of the other members told proudly how she and her siblings had "crash-cleaned" their hoarder-mother's house, without her knowledge or consent... The other members praised her and told her that her mother will forgive and it was the right thing to do, and I lost it. I told the group that I have seldom seen such inconsiderate violation of people's rights and that I refuse to be part of a group where the economical value and some social image is more important than respecting people's right to decide for themselves. The children seemed to be more worried about their mother's house loosing value than anything else. Even if the mother's health was in jeopardy, it's not the children's business, but the mother's alone. If she asked for help, then the issue had been different, but she didn't. I'm pretty sure she will "forgive" her children, but she will never trust them again, and the situation will be just as bad within a couple of months, as such "interventions" only deal with the symptoms, and not the disease.
So, when I now look at "dress up - completely from head to toe including hair, shoes and makeup of some kind on your face", my hair raises. The second step - if I remember correctly - of Fly Ladies was to wear laced shoes... Now, in my culture people don't wear shoes inside. I could be wearing slippers, and I do, in winter, when it's cold, but most of the time I go barefeet at home. I also don't use makeup and I find the mere suggestion offensive, controlling and snobbish. Also, even if I'm Theist, I know a lot of others are not, and the suggestion of "looking up" has a disagreeable taste. What if I'm not a 50's housewife type?

I should read my blog more :-D

Today I'm "there" again.

I noticed that I have no habits, except the habit of doing what I want at any given moment. The habit of following my impulses where ever they might take me, and they have taken me to 104.8 kilos. (231 pounds. Yay! One pound less than a week ago!)

I have bad impulse control. (No, it's not a disorder.) I eat too much and wrong kind of food, I don't exercise, I waste time in idiotic things like playing computer games - not to relax and wind down, but because I need to make time pass... - I don't take care of my responsibilities, my home nor myself, I just float from day to day and do absolutely nothing but what I feel like doing at any given moment.
I have enormous difficulties in getting myself to the different meetings with doctors or other people outside home trying to help me, I get horrible anxiety that makes me sleep badly and feel bad almost half a day before and half a day after the meeting. I don't want to have it like that.

In a way it is my husband's "fault". He has been preaching the philosophy of not doing what one doesn't want to do. It's sort of his way of revolting against the very strict life of his childhood, but my problem is not that I don't do what I want to do... Trying to remember back to my life, I don't remember much habits, structure or routines in my life when I was a child either. There was school, but I used to have "friday sickness" - I didn't go to school every day. Of course, I was bullied at school, and I didn't have many friends, so it wasn't fun to go to school, and as I already knew quite a lot more than my peers, there was no reason to go to school either. Now there doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to make me take care of things I should take care of, like cleaning the apartment.

I will never win the challenge this way :-D

If I lose a pound a week, I will be in goal weight in two years.
I am also not so patient... A pound a week would be absolutely perfect pace, I would probably be able to exercise away the flaps of skin in that time, and I would be slender before my 45th birthday. :-)
But I want it now! I want to be skinny, thin, slender NOW!
And I want it without needing to do anything to get it ;-)

How do you practice tenacity?

I really want to become the best me I can, and if I have understood correctly, I can be just that, by embracing all my talents... and I have plenty.
There is so much things to learn, there is so much things... I'm sorry I didn't learn all these things when I was little. I'm sorry I'm not very tenacious. I would speak fluent Finnish, Swedish, English, Spanish, Italian, French, Portuguese, Dutch, Japanese, Arabic, Latin, Hebrew, German, and several other languages, if I had any more resilience... perhaps that is something I need to practice more, not my skills and talents.

How do you practice tenacity?
How do you get that "not afraid of dying on the treadmill" attitude?
How do you learn not to give in?
I really need that. I could do anything if I had that.

Is it just about attitudes, and if so, which attitude it is? And how do you train yourself not to give in?
Is it about fear?
Or priorities?
What is important? Nothing... I wonder if I had it when I was little, but then something happened that made me give it up... all those years of waiting, all those years of "it's not worth crying, it's not worth taking that seriously"... it's no use to do anything, hang on, be tenacious, because the world is as it is, and laisse-faire attitude gives me more serenity. Now.
But combined with fear, what it created was this magnificent body of 100+ kilos, probably diabetes, sleep apnea, pain, bad condition, bad conscience, neverending hunger...

Why am I eating? Food has become the only luxury from being the only affordable luxury... But they say, no food tastes as good as being slim.

I don't believe I will be able to lose weight. I have been overweight my whole adult life, and I have just been getting fatter and fatter every year, the last 10 years...

22 reasons to never give up
They didn't give up... a list of people who didn't give up and what they did

motivation and the power of not giving up
6 ways not to give up
not giving up quotations

I ate pancakes with syrup yesterday. I don't know why. I was watching some inspirational weight loss videos, and getting prepared to walk to the store to buy some salads... and then I remembered that my husband had intended the chicken to be used to make Chinese food, and I should also buy the ingredients for the Chinese food as well. I don't want that. I want a good salad with a lot of different stuff in, different colors, spenach and tomatoes and paprika and fruit and then piece of chicken to go with it... and nice, light French dressing, so that I get the fatty acids I need...

How to avoid saggy skin after weight loss?

The unavoidable truth is that if you lose weight quickly - like giving birth to a baby - your skin might not be able to "hang" with you - so it ends up hanging... in nasty, ugly folds, flapping wings, sides, buttocks and belly, arms and thighs... I don't want that. At the moment it seems that all you can do to that AFTERWARDS is to cut it off. So think about it BEFORE.

1. Loose weight slowly.
2. Exercise - fill the "gap" with muscles. That will also improve the "tightness" of skin. I don't know how that works, but it does.
3. Give your skin a lot of water and nutritions. Eat proper food with all vitamins, minerals and oils, the good stuff. It's better to get those things from natural food than through additives and man-made chemicals in pills and "added" stuff.
4. Give your skin some sunlight for vitamin D. It will also make you less hungry.
5. Start losing weight NOW. Don't wait till tomorrow, or next monday, or next month or after holidays or your vacation or anything. The skin loses elasticity as you get older, and you get older every day... Start NOW.

Exfoliating, rubbing, dry-brushing, moisturising and massaging the skin might help somewhat.

So - let's see if that'll help.

Here's what I have to work with:

 Yes, those stripes on my "love handles" are stretch marks, and I had them already when I was 15 and not overweight. I suppose my skin has never been very elastic... nice for me, huh?

Oh, damn, it's ugly!

Nevertheless, it shows, that I need to work with my arms, thighs, sides, back and belly.

Now, I chose to wear these bikini pants under my belly. They actually cover that belly flap "normally", so that I look a little better.
My bottom has always been small and "tight"

You know... Angelina Jolie doesn't have that much bottom either...

 

and see, even though she's so skinny, she too has "muffin tops"

I have to stop...

... but how?

"Using your measurements of a 43.5 inches waist and weight of 232 pounds your body fat percentage is estimated to be 51.10 % using the U.S. Navy body fat formula, or 46.36 % using the formula developed by the YMCA.  "

My BMI is 37.6

Obesity class II is also called morbid obesity. I'm eating myself to death.

Women's Calorie Calculator Results
          
These calorie calculator results will help you understand how many calories you need to maintain your current weight, and the number of calories needed per day to achieve your goal weight in a healthy, steady manner.

You need 2267.9 calories per day to maintain your current weight without exercise.

You need 1774.4 calories per day to reach your goal weight slowly and maintain that weight without exercise.

If you reduce your current caloric intake to 1767.9 calories per day you will lose one pound per week without exercise.

If you increase your current caloric intake to 2767.9 calories per day, you will gain one pound per week.

Exercise and Calorie Needs

If you exercise for 30 minutes each day, you may increase your caloric intake to 2532.4 calories per day and still maintain your current weight.

If you exercise for 60 minutes each day, you may increase your caloric intake to 2863 calories per day to maintain your current weight.

If you exercise for 30 minutes each day, you will be able to reach your goal weight with 1979.6 calories per day.

If you exercise for 60 minutes each day, you will be able to reach your goal weight with 2236.2 calories per day.

Anything you can do, I can do better...

I enjoy reading Regretsy. I have explained that elsewhere, but as an artist and artisan, I don't find it "wonderful" when people try to push crap as "art" or "handmade item".
Even though it is so that "if you can't call it anything else, it's art" - which definition I gave art at artisan school, I have plenty of names for most of the things at Regretsy, and none of them is art...

Now, there is this semifamous person, whose best friend is dating a more famous person, and this person likes to do things... she has a couple of shops at Etsy, where she sells... well... not too badly made art and crafts. It's not GOOD, don't get me wrong, but it's not bad either. Now, that I can do better any day, blindfolded and one arm tied behind my back, but to me that would be no challenge either...

So - could I do anything she does better? ANYTHING she does?

Okay... she is a "glamour model". (A really silly name for page 3 girls). Her BMI is 18.5 and she is physically fit.
I am not. I am so far from being a glamour model anyone can be; I'm not even the shape fat pin-ups have.

You know - either pear or hourglass. I'm the classic top-heavy mother-in-law or controlling wife from the 50's cartoons. I'm more of a shape of a very fat carrot... I have wide shoulders and chest, and my hips are more V than A or O...

 Here's what I have to work with...

I'm no glamour model :-D

So - I need to get my weight down from the 103 it is now to 53 kilos. That's loosing half of me...
Then I need to get fit. I assume both of these are reached at the same time ;-)

I will not become a glamour model even to prove "anything you can do, I can do better", but I would love to do this...

"a woman who not only shoots incredibly photographs, but makes incredible costumes, as well as does incredible hair and makeup..." "...Enter Viona, who is herself some strange, mystical, unearthly being.  She is modelesque, with an incredible face, and poses in many of her own photos.  It also appears that every one of her friends is also modelesque, were born seamstresses, and all do great hair and makeup.  To add to the bizarre soup of it all, they're all German, who speak perfect English, and travel the world taking surreal pictures.  They have the ability to attach horns to their head, wear fur and look stunning, obtain and successfully sport colored contacts, and apply gallons of liquid eyeliner with no flaw nor shakey hand whatsoever."

Yep. That's what I am going to shoot at. Having a body that WOULD be good for "glamour" photos, but not do it... or do it a bit differently. Like this girl, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this or this, or this... oh, so beautiful :-) 

Also, the "almost famous person" calls herself a sing-a-songwriter and guru, says she likes to desgin, and has video tutorials on all kinds of things; make-up, food and DIY stuff. She isn't very good at cooking or singing, but make-up she knows how to apply. So that I really need to learn.
Michelle Phan is my idol :-) She is so cute and pretty and funny and skilled... she makes it look so easy :-)

So - loose weight, get fit, learn to apply make-up, make my hair, sew corsets, take photos, write songs and learn to sing better, and then make a series of foody videos for YouTube in the style of Nigella Lawson, Annabel Longbein, Rachael Ray and Jamie Oliver :-D In this company "naked chef" might mean something slightly different than what Jamie meant :-D

But - at least I know that if I WANT to do it, I'm MEANT to do it :-)

Black Swan and how "it" feels...

I saw a sign... "nothing tastes as good as thin feels". I wouldn't know.
I am still "hungry" all the time. I haven't been able to follow any of my "rules", I haven't managed to start Atkins again, and I'm still in pain and snoring, so - obviously I haven't yet made up my mind.

what ever.

I watched a discussion between the interviewer, the movie critic and the prima ballerina about Black Swan. Many ballerinas, primas and less so, have been complaining about the director's decision to let Natalie Portman to keep her mind, and dance herself. She practiced a year. Yes, she can dance ballet, but she isn't that good at it. Even I can see it, and I can't dance. I wish I could...

Obviously I have a "Greek" foot. My big toe is shorter than the one next to it. Oh well. That means I need to pad my pointe shoes.

I just want to dance... I understand why people decided to stand on their toes... it is the closest we get to flying...

I actually thought they stand on the "knuckles" of the feet... but they do stand on the big toe... fascinating.

These feet belong to Paloma Herrera...

"Though beautiful, pointe work is very painful.
Many injuries result from the force being put on the feet and toes.
These injuries can be minor, such as blisters, or major, such as a broken ankle.
Other injuries caused by pointe shoes are bunions, ingrown toenails, tendonitis, os trigonum syndrome, osteoarthritis, and stress fractures."

No... they are not pretty. But she is...

Ah... one day...