I don't believe in my dream :-(

That's my biggest problem. Self-image.

I mean... you remember that photo last time. I was 15 in that photo. It was my confirmation. I believed I was fat already then. I weighed almost 70 kilos. I was size 42. I was the only person I knew over 40, except for other fat people. The dress I'm wearing is a new one. I didn't fit in the old one, the dress all three of my elder sisters had used...  I was superfit. I mean, my result for Cooper's test at that time was 3200 meters. That's about as good as it gets. There was another girl who run a couple of hundred meters more, but the rest were several laps behind us. The thing that still surprises me is that... it meant nothing. The teacher didn't say anything, she just recorded the results, and it didn't show in my physical education grade. I learned only a couple of years ago how extraordinary that is. Anyway, those 70 kilos were mostly muscles. I had wide shoulders and back, thighs like tree trunks - and I felt big and ugly and fat.
I also have short, thick neck. Enhances the fat impression.
I also got into puberty at 12, and have big boobs. As you can see from this photo of me as 18 years old.
I mean... I understand why I thought I was fat.
What I don't understand is why no-one told me I wasn't. I remember my big sister saying "even your toes are fat". I was about 15 or so. Another sister was freezing, and my cousin referred to me, wearing just shorts, and that I wasn't freezing, and my sister said "she has all that isolation". Meaning fat. I was 16-17. I once overheard my sister speaking to another sister in the phone about how quickly I eat and that she has tried to stop me. And that I had surpassed "the magical 70 kilos". I look at that photo, I look at that curve under the breast, and how the fabric goes smoothly down over my tummy... what tummy?

I get so bitter and sad about all this.
Another thing... that girl had never been kissed. No-one had even tried.
Ugly and fat. (What? Seriously? Yeah. That's what I thought then and still do.)

The thing is that... if I was fat and ugly when I was in the best condition of my life, and I looked like that and run 2 miles in 12 minutes... I will be fat and ugly rest of my life. There's nothing I can do to not be fat and ugly. It scares me.
I mean, if people are going to see me and treat me as I was fat and ugly, I could as well get the benefits, and enjoy all I can eat buffet of delicious, fatty, sugary carbs and bacon and all that. And just slouch on the couch all days and watch telly and surf and do nothing. It's bothersome to exercise. Muscles get sore. Running unfit hurts. It hurts your feet, it hurts your lungs, it feels like your heart is going to burst out of your chest and veins burst and you get the blood taste in your mouth, and then it's sweaty and uncomfortable, and all the blubber gets in the way, and makes it hard to bend. And breathe when you are bent.

But... I am not doing this (losing weight and improving my fitness) to get praise or so that people would like me and want to be with me. I'm just looking at all these happy social fit people doing all kinds of fun things together, and talking about their trainers and whatnots. How do you get a trainer?
And I get distracted by that.

I am not doing this to be seen as pretty and skinny and fit and all that.
I am not doing this to get friends and... I don't know, internet fame and to be able to make viral videos of me being so flexible and whatnot. There's plenty of young people doing that. And even though it might be a good idea to add some middle-aged people doing all that in the mix, NO! I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR THAT!

I am doing this to get lighter so that my body doesn't need to carry around so much and things will be easier for me.
I am doing this to be able to DO things. I want to do things like climbing and parkour and dancing and all that without needing to stop to breathe every 5 seconds.
I am doing this to me.

And, of course, it would be nice to have the other things too :-D
Though I think the most amazing thing that could happen is if I could watch myself in the mirror and admire what I see... I don't even dare to think about that. To see me and not see all the problems and wrongs and bad things, things I don't like...

But - I don't believe I will. I don't believe I will lose weight. I don't believe I will ever be able to do any of those things. I don't believe I'll ever look in the mirror and like what I see.
That girl over there... that's not me. I couldn't possibly ever have been that cute. And pretty. And that body looks very nice.

So - that's my biggest obstacle here. I know everything is possible, if I just believe, but I have to believe it 24/7 with my whole being.

There was this guy who got 20 cm taller...

I tried this thing...

I have been pinning things on Pinterest about fitness and sports and stuff. I love dancing, I love parkour, I love moving my body and using my muscles and such things.
So - I have been pinning some workout videos, and today I decided to stop pinning and start doing.
I chose a video, it looked easy enough, they said it was easy, and probably it is... but I couldn't do it.
And I panicked.
I tried to hang on, but while I was trying to figure out what her legs did, she did something with her arms, and moved on, so when I was ready to do what she did with her arms, she has moved on to the next movement, and after JUST FOUR MINUTES I was two moves behind, and completely lost, confused, and bewildered, at the brink of tears and panicking.
"I CAN'T DO THIS!"
I just wanted to quit and run and hide in shame - and go sit in my bed and do nothing, but eat. I want pizza. Junkfood. Candy. I want to go back to my childhood and not care about anything.

You see, I am good. I am very good. I can do most things at first try. Especially physical things. So when things don't happen, when things aren't easy, when I don't succeed at first try, I get shocked and don't know what to do about it. And I give up. I quit. I have done that for 50 years now. Taken the easy way out.
But no more. I will not quit. I am not 16 with physical fitness of an Olympic athlete. (Yes, I was that 34 years ago. I just didn't know it at the time. I wish someone had known. Someone who had known what to do with it. I would have been a great heptathlete.)
I am 50, I am about twice as heavy as I should be, I am sick and I haven't done much anything about my fitness since my father died 2014.

 So - I got so upset and panicky I had to stop and go away and walk it out.
But... I didn't want to quit. I wanted to finish it. So I got back and tried to take it slower. 50% of time was too fast, and I got back into panic.
I don't want to quit! Not this time! Never again!
I will do this! It is not difficult. Hundreds of people are doing it! I will, too. Might not be able to do it now, today, but I will take it on again tomorrow, and see how far I get, and this time I'll start in 25% without sound, and learn the choreography, how ever simple it is and how ever stupid I feel, because I WILL NOT QUIT. Quitting is not an option anymore.

After I decided that, I went to my rowing machine and rowed three sets of my maximum. Which is only 1 minute of rowing, but it will grow. I will not quit. Not this time, not ever again.

I just saw an episode of --- and there was this woman who was a ---... and the more I watched, the more I disliked her. So... she just blurted out something as something she wants to do, and she got to do it. But... she didn't seem to think much of it, not really want to do it, didn't seem to appreciate it much and hasn't mentioned it since. Or then, either. Anyway, I kind of forgot all about that during the show, and in the end, when they presented her, they presented her as a --- and I just about died.
Because it is true. She is a ---. I am not.
It is so unfair! She got it for free! I can't even imagine how I ever could. :'(

Don't weight yourself often

Like, don't weight yourself every week. I am going to do that, though, to see if I need to put in more work, and I definitely do.

Hmm... how did they come up with 1200 kcal and 4-8 hours exercise?

I weigh 118 kg, and I need about 2000 kcal to stay alive. (Which means that when physically very active men talk about the normal calorie intake being 2000, I say "anorexia".)

They say 3500 kcal is 1 pound weight loss. So to lose 1 pound of weight every day, I need to burn 3500 kcal more than I usually do.

Now... apparently everything I *can* do, burns about 150-300 kcal IN AN HOUR. I don't understand how I could burn 3500 kcal in a day. I would need to do what I can like for 15 hours.
If I eat less, I don't need to exercise as much, but if I eat 1000 kcal less a day, I still need to burn 2500 kcal, and that's 10 hours of my low impact exercise. 

If I eat 1200 kcal a day and exercise (low impact, slow, as I can) 4 hours a day, I will lose 1/2 pound a day. 1200 kcal is very little.

I don't like this at all. Because at the moment I can't do any high-impact activities. I can't run or skip the rope or do burpees, because I have arthritis in my hip, and that would damage my body more than it's already damaged... even normal walking hurts so much the next day I won't be able to move at all. Rowing is nice, swimming is nice. But I am not strong enough to do that hard and long enough for that to use more calories than some 400 in an hour. Which means that I should do that for 6 1/2 hours every day.
Dancing probably uses about that amount of calories as well...

What I need to do here is to do something, and keep thinking that it might not be much, but "not much" is not nothing, it's something.

My husband just told me that when I began walking 3 miles with our dog, it took me over an hour to do that, and when I did my last rounds, it took 45-50 minutes. So it does work. I have thought that it didn't show anywhere. But it did... huh...


The adjusted plan; 3 kilos a week - from 120 to 80 in 3 months. Amazing.

3.8 - 118
10.8 - 115
17.8 - 112
24.8 - 109
31.8 - 106
7.9 - 103
14.9 - 100
21.9 - 97
28.9 - 94
5.10 - 91
12.10 - 88
19.10 - 85
26.10 - 82
2.11 - 79

adjusted plan, 1,5 kilos a week - under 100 kilos in 3 months. Still great.

3.8 - 118
10.8 - 116,5
17.8 - 115
24.8 - 113,5
31.8 - 112
7.9 - 110,5
14.9 - 109
21.9 - 107,5
28.9 - 106
5.10 - 104,5
12.10 - 103
19.10 - 101,5
26.10 - 100
2.11 - 98,5

modified plan - 1 kg a week - under 100 this year. Still great.
3.8 - 118
10.8 - 117
17.8 - 116
24.8 - 115
31.8 - 114
7.9 - 113
14.9 - 112
21.9 - 111
28.9 - 110
5.10 - 109
12.10 - 108
19.10 - 107
26.10 - 106
2.11 - 105
9.11 - 104
16.11 - 103
23.11 - 102
30.11 - 101
7.12 - 100
14.12 - 99

Today was another day

Ok, so I have been adding up the exercise.
I am still looking... I know I should stop looking and start working, but... uh. Can't be bothered.

I fell for freshly baked challah with butter. A lot of butter. :-( I hadn't eaten much during the day, so I'm in for 1300 kcal, but... it was delicious. I regret only a little. I'm more afraid of that this isn't going to work. But I weighed myself today. I was 119 when I came home, and now I'm 118. It's going to the right direction. But there's no way I'll weigh 116 tomorrow :-D

Ok, so what is going wrong?

I have eaten my 1200 kcal for today. I fell for temptation, and ate more pita bread pizza, but kept the calories at the low level. Better than yesterday.

Exercise didn't go too well, though... :-( Not 4-8 hours heavy exercise. No. But I did do something, so that's positive. I will get there. I know I will. :-) I will be 80 kilos this Christmas, and 60 next summer.