Things not to say...

I have Asperger's.
I meet people all the time who tell me either a) I don't have Asperger's or b) everyone has some form of Asperger's.
Neither of those claims are true. Asperger's is a neurological defect that impacts my life in many ways and makes the challenges I meet every day very different from the challenges people with normal neurology meet. It is offensive to deny my reality or try to claim my reality as yours, because you have quirks and stuff.
We all do.
I know.
But we all don't have Asperger's.
I do.

The same way, I have BDD.
I look in the mirror and don't just see "imperfection" or "legitimately funky" features or "some aspect that could use improvement". I see a hideously ugly person, a troll, not only a troll, but a troll that is ugly even for a troll. I see a person who is so disgusting and repulsive, that it makes it hard for other people to be around me. I'm so ugly people must really fight to be able to smile and be nice and kind to me.

My family says they think I'm beautiful, but they would, now, wouldn't they. They are my family. They have lived with me since I was a baby (I'm the youngest) so they are used to how I look. Besides, they see ME, not my shell.
My husband thinks I'm beautiful, but he would, now, wouldn't he. He's my husband.
But the rest of the world... I'm 100% convinced that they see an ugly, hideous, disgusting, repulsive troll, that's why they look at me, that's why they laugh at me, that's what they discuss when I'm around. It is humiliating to go outside. I didn't do anything to deserve this ugliness. I don't understand why the rest of my family looks better than people in average, but in me the features that made my parents beautiful, are so awful on me. I inherited the worst bits in the worst possible combination.
And there's nothing I can do to improve things.
I look even worse with make-up and when I dress nicely, I look like a cross-dressing chimpanzee. Transvestite troll from hell.

I bet the majority of the world does NOT feel that way about their "imperfection" and "aspects that could use improvement".
Saying that "we are all victims" is just offensive, insensitive and ignorant.

I'm a quitter

I'm a quitter. When ever there's the slightest sight of problems, I quit.

I am doing tummy exercises.
I don't understand how this one exercise is supposed to be done, so I don't do it.
Or any of the following ones either...
I quit.

PT rolls his eyes and sighs.
"Come on, now. If you don't know how to do it, just skip it, and move on to the next one. Besides, I'm sure you're doing it fine. No, your legs won't raise as high as the girl's in the photos, so what? It feels in your abs, doesn't it? It doesn't hurt, does it? So you're doing it right. So, hop-hop! On with it, gal!"

*sigh*

I try again. It doesn't feel right. I quit.

"Ok... skip it. Move on to the next."

I don't. I'm bothered by this exercise. I should be able to do it. If I don't do it, how will I ever be able to do anything?

"Done is better than perfect. It is better you do 6 exercises and skip one, than do one, fail in the second and do nothing more. It's just one exercise! You don't need it! You don't ever NEED to do that specific exercise! And, perhaps, after you have done the abs workout for a couple of weeks, you'll try it again, and find that you actually understand how it's done and can do it too. So - for now, we skip it."

"mmm..." I'm not sure about that. It doesn't feel right.

"SKIP THE EXERCISE AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE. 10 SECONDS! 10...9...8..."

*@#%&

But I did it.
And I did the exercise I couldn't figure out.
And also the "back against the wall lift legs" DANG!!!
I didn't do them well. I did them shaking and grinning and gasping and whining, but I did them.

I'm shocked and disgusted by my bad physical condition. That is one reason to why I don't do anything... I don't want to think about how bad it is, how down I have let myself go during the last 20 years of my life.
I wish someone had told me...
If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself to finish what I start, even when it doesn't feel worth it at the time, and I'd tell myself to start eating 6 small meals a day in 2 hours' interval and keep running and walking and exercising and doing everything I think seems interesting. To keep my physical fitness...
about 3000 meters in Cooper's test when I was 16...
Right now I don't think I'd manage half of it.
But - I have done that. *I* did it. That was ME. Then.
I have done that, I can do it again. And I will.

But my PT is pretty p'd off with me right now. The last few days I have been whining and quitting and skipping and not doing what I need to do, and he can't force me.
Oh, the excuses... "I'm really tired, I need to sleep..." "I have fibro flame, I'm in pain..." (yes, I know... but I'll be in pain whether I exercise or not, and it will help in the long run if I exercise, so... I count this as an excuse as well. I don't need to do high impact exercise, but I need to move). "I don't understand how this move is supposed to be done", "I can't do that", "I'm so weak and in bad condition, I'm ashamed of myself, disgusted of myself, I can't stand myself..."
My PT tries to say "Do the exercise first, just give me half an hour, then you can go and sleep". "You don't need to understand the exercise, just do your best. You'll get there". "You can't do it now, but you will, eventually, if you do your best now." "you'll get stronger, more fit, you'll stop being ashamed and disgusted of yourself, but only if you work out!" "Just give me your best effort. I don't expect perfect. I don't expect you can do everything I ask you to do. But I want you to at least try."

Bah.

Tomorrow I'll have a meeting with my PT at 7 and I'll do the workout.

BTW, my husband hid the scales. I was really sad today because I have been a good girl (or... 3/4 of a good girl anyway) the last two weeks and last week Sunday I weighed as much as on Monday, and it felt like nothing I do makes any difference, so why the hell do anything.)

Meet my personal trainer

"Get off your f-ing butt and start working", he is saying here.
Don't get fooled by his looks in this picture. He's really very kind and has a wonderful sense of humor.

"Oh, I can't!" I scream and he says "oh... 10 seconds. If you don't start working after 10 seconds are gone, we'll just work more."

I was late for my workout this morning. So he made me do the advanced in stead of the beginners.
Guess what? I did it :-)
Guess what he said? "Nice... I knew you could. So we'll do this again tomorrow."
Ouch.

I don't think so. My legs are in fire. I don't think I'll be walking tomorrow.

He'll make me work my upper body then.

Hehe (she says with a tone of horror in her voice.)

Guess what else? You know I love Pinterest, right? He was sitting there, waiting for me to get off my butt (yes, he's nice like that...), and noticed I pinned a fitness pin...
"Great!" he said. "Now, do that!"
"What?" said I.
"You pinned it, you think it's a good idea, you want what it promises - so do it. Up and hop, baby."
"Er..."
"You do not want me to come and get you..." he says...
I know I don't. I mean, he's lovely and all that, but... well... So I did 10 sit-ups, 4 push-ups and 10 seconds' plank. And I grinned and frowned and whined... arms and torso shaking because - hey, me and push-ups? On which planet do you live? My arms are like filled with rice pudding and work about as well... though I did my 4 push-ups and 10 seconds' plank. :-)
I love him :-)

Tomorrow it's 15 sit-ups, 5 push-ups and 15 seconds' plank...
I hate him.

But - he knows what I am capable of. He has seen me when I was 16, you know, and fit... when I thought I was fat because I had muscles and couldn't fit in the same clothes as the other girls...
"Bah, you've done that before, you can do it again. We'll get there. YOU will get there. Just let it take the time it takes, and don't think so much. Let me do the thinking, ok?" And then he smiles.
SWOON!!!
I can't help but smiling back... oh, I love him. :-D

I am not going to binge

Today I'm so sad. I just want to eat. I just want to give up, and not do anything.

The idiot send the evaluation to wrong address, and didn't understand that, even though I wrote to her to remind her of that I haven't received the evaluation... and then she gets all confused and starts talking about some other evaluation... so I got confused and frustrated and felt she wasn't listening to me.

And the evaluation...

On strength side:
I am kind, loyal and versatile. I learn quickly, I am good at writing, maths and research. I am creative, I have good memory and I'm open for ideas. I read quickly. I work quickly and effectively.

Uh. So... general.

On the problem side:
I have Asperger's, fibromyalgia, allergies, social phobia, social incompetence, sleep apnea, panic anxiety disorder, depression, problems with self-esteem, I'm too optimistic about what I can do and how long time it takes, I have problems with executive functions, and obviously my "pattern thinking" is a problem as well, because it makes it hard for me to express myself.

"Executive function is an umbrella term for cognitive processes such as planning, working memory, attention, problem solving, verbal reasoning, inhibition, mental flexibility, multi-tasking, initiation and monitoring of actions."

What can I do with that? How could I turn that into something positive?

*sigh*

Well... that was 40 weeks of my life I won't be getting back.
My husband says that I have learned a lot of this. I wonder.

Right now it feels like I have learned not to trust anyone.

That I'm nobody. I'm so bleak and bland a person not even people who do it as their job can come up with something in me worth to be remembered, something that differs me from everyone else.

And I am never, ever going to be anything.

I feel ugly and disgusting, and I find it hard to put up the stiff upper lip and keep my back straight and head out there to meet the world, which I believe to be all... They all look at me and see a grey mouse, a bowl of dishwater, nasty, ugly, disgusting, grey dishwater... and I find it so humiliating... like running the gauntlet.

But I am not going to eat.

And no, I don't mean I'm starving myself. I eat according to my plan, 4-6 small meals a day, between 7 AM and 7 PM, and good stuff. I am not going to binge. I am not going to bake myself something good, or go buy me candy. I won't eat pizza or fries, ice cream, potato chips or anything else like that.
Because I'm worth better.
I am worth knowing what it feels like to be skinny.
I am worth being able to do all the things I want to do, without being so darn self-conscious and hate myself and my floppy, fat body.
I am worth going to yoga classes and martial arts classes and run 5K and 10K and going to parkour classes, and do all that.
I am worth being able to buy me clothes from a regular shop or second hand.
I am worth to skip another word from my nasty words to call myself with list. "Fat, ugly and stinking". I have got rid of the "stinking", and if I can't call myself "fat", that leaves only "ugly"... and that I don't think I'll ever get rid of. But, we'll see. Let's work with the fat part first, because that is something I can do.

What I miss from 135lbs ago?

During this week I have lost 4 pounds.

I miss being able to go to the kitchen and just whip up some scones, cookies or brownies, simply because I want it and I can do it.
They do taste good... freshly baked bread with butter, melting, sweet and salty and moist and fragrant... or fresly baked pastry, sweet and moist and... the depth of flavor and smell and... the sensation of the first bite, and the last bite, and licking fingers good... and the sight of beautiful pastry straight from oven... the soft crumble on my plate...
That I miss.

But then I look at my legs... I have cellulite on calves.
My knees look horrible, both from behind and front.
I want to not miss that.

I think about my belly. I have such a pouch of fat on my belly I cannot even do the "plough". I can still remember how I did that all the time when I was 20. What it feels like to have your knees by your ears.

I so don't want to miss being able to do that, and I so want to not miss having the belly pouch of fat that stops me from doing certain things.
(Interestingly, sitting down with head between your knees and arms up isn't at all difficult... Why can't the fat go there when I'm doing yoga?)

But - the thing is - if you deny yourself everything you consider good, you will fail, and fall and crash. It is ok to have something every now and then. Have one day in a week, where you give yourself permission to eat anything. You can try to keep the portions down - one doughnut tastes just as good as ten, and it's much easier to work that out than the ten... But not even that is necessary. Losing weight is a constant battle with your mind... you didn't get fat because you like food. The world is full of people who like food and who are not fat. Like most tv chefs ;-)

I am fat because I have no friends. I believe I am not worth having friends and an active social life. I believe people don't want to be with me.
Food is always there. Food always tastes good. Food wants to be with me just as much as with anyone else. Food doesn't play mindgames with me. Food doesn't mock me, ridicule me, bully me, ignore me, laugh at me. Food never says I'm ugly and disgusting and that it doesn't like me. It is always me who decide whether I eat the food or not, it's always me who leave, and how ever many times I do that, food is always there when I come back. Food is always "happy to see me". Food never accuses me, blames me, whines nor bitches about how I am and what I did.
Of course it doesn't. It's food. It doesn't have feelings, it doesn't speak, it doesn't have an opinion or a mind of its own. It's food.

That's why food is better than books or television. Unless it's about food. Because books and television are about people, and books have opinions and words, and expressions, and they make you think... reading a book is discussing with the author of the book...

It's hard with people. It's always really tiresome to be with people, and always there's something I did wrong, and what I do is never good enough... it always ends up in tears and hurt feelings, and "mielipaha". I can never pay enough for the fun, and it's never as much fun as everyone else seems to have, so it costs more than it gives anyway...

Change your thoughts, change your life

I just watched the first free video about "bestseller blueprint" - Interesting...
the guys are really selling their course :-D

I knew already a lot of what they were saying... I was reminded of "1000 true fans" and branding yourself. They talked about the basics, like what to think when you plan how to market your book (and your brand), and how important it is to think about these things already when you write your book...
Then they were talking about the importance of mindset and the principles of "The Secret"... The thing with "The Secret" is that you don't need to BELIEVE in it to DO it... it doesn't take much effort, time or resources, and it won't hurt... but it might actually work. (It does.)

They were talking about the most important piece of what makes a person a best-selling author - and that is TO WRITE.
Commit yourself to becoming a best-selling author.
Plan how to do it, have a daily discipline, break the chore into doable bits, and then just do them.
Don't just sit there and dream, wish and hope, DO.
Don't excuse not doing, DO.
Don't justify not doing, don't explain, find a way to do it, and DO it.
To get things done, you need to DO them.
Just do it. Don't blame, complain, bitch and moan. DO.

One step at a time. One small chore every day.

And this is how you get ANYTHING done.
I have read these same words when it comes to fitness too.
I have heard them from my therapist, when it comes to living the life without fear and anxiety.

I have read these same words from every self-improvement site out there, and in every self-improvement book I've ever read.
To me the most important thing about the video was that people want to hear my story and they want to learn what I have to teach... they are interested. They want to read my book!
My words are more important than what I think... Writing a book is talking WITH people. They create a relationship with me, they respond emotionally to what I say... a book makes a difference. If I WANT to write a book, it is my DUTY to write the book, and make it available to the audience. I need to tell my story, I need to give the people an opportunity to read my book. I need to share...

But the most interesting bit of that was the E+R=O - event + reaction/response = outcome

“Between stimulus and response there is a space; 
in that space lies our power to choose our response 
and in our response lies our growth and freedom.”
- Victor Frankl, Austrian psychologist.

We can't change what has happened, how people treat us, what people say and do, the historical events, and the more small scale events, our private traumas and crisis, we can't influence the weather or the catastrophes of our lives, not natural nor man-made, not the huge nor the tiny, petty ones.
But what we can change, what we have the power over, what we have influence over, is how we react and respond to these events... We can and do choose out attitude, thoughts and reactions.
And THAT makes ALL the difference in what is the outcome of each event in our lives...
We do have 100% responsibility of our lives. We can't blame anyone of our own reactions, and thus we can't blame anyone for our miserable lives. The only reason for us to have miserable lives is because we choose to have miserable lives...

I CHOOSE MY RESPONSES TO EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE

I CHOOSE MY LIFE.

I have been on this route earlier too, when I was talking about the attitude on life. I talked about the 9 years old prostitute in India, who could have chosen to be a victim of trafficking and pedophilia, but who chose to be proud of who and what she was... the most popular "woman"... and that made all the difference for her. I'm not saying trafficking and pedophilia is ok, because neither is not ok by any standard, but that we have the power over how we deal with what ever our lives give to us, even when it is something as bad as that... and just because bad things happen - sometimes really bad things - it doesn't need to mean our lives are bad...

I have been talking about it, but I haven't been listening... because I still am a victim, helpless victim of "bad people", "bad things", "bad life"... I choose to react by believing I'm not worth good life and good things. I read all those aphorisms and quotes and advice and inspirational words, but I don't really believe in them...

Now, response is made up of what we choose to do, how we choose to act, what we think about what happened and what we imagine... the story we tell about the event.
To change the outcome all we need to do is to tell ourselves a different story... We need to create a different response...

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

For example - when studying languages, I read about how to use the "hidden moments" to my advantage. How I should keep a pack of note cards with me or a dictionary, so that I can study language while waiting in line, at doctor's office, at traffic jam... I can choose to see that time as an opportunity to study, or as frustrating forced waste of time... Now, which way of thinking do you think benefits me more? The event - waiting - is the same, but the first response creates an outcome where I end up knowing more, feeling good about myself and being pretty relaxed and happy about the way things are. The second response creates stress, irritation, anger, might cause me to do stupid decisions, like starting to yell at people or get up and leave and not get my errand done. And I will be at bad mood for a while after the situation has ended...

Or take a comment, perhaps on the internet or by a co-worker. I can choose to take the comment as something negative and get upset, sad, angry because of it. I can choose to ignore the comment. I can choose to give the comment different importance - "don't sweat the small stuff - and it's all small stuff" - what does this person know about me and my life situation? What do I know about him? Perhaps he's just having a bad day, or perhaps he has misunderstood something, or perhaps I have misunderstood something... And, really, what importance does one comment have in my life and self-esteem? Nothing!

Let's take another example. A and B do the same job and get the same salary. A saves half of his salary, B spends all of it. In 10 years, A buys himself a house. B cannot, because he doesn't have any savings. The event is the same, the outcome different, simply because A and B chose different responses.

"You can change your thinking; change your habits; your perceptions and ultimately your response to the events of your life. But often we elect to take the easy route and refuse to work on the easiest part – change ourselves. Consequently we end up being nothing but a bundle of conditioned reflexes, forfeiting the liberty and growth that is supposed to attend our lives because we don’t work on our responses."
- Felix Onyango

 P.S. "If only __________ , then..." Be very attentive to these words and their kin... your regrets tell about your dreams and what your life is supposed to be... So blame, excuse, bitch, moan, whine, mourn for a while and give all your life's biggest disappointments and regrets a good cry, and WRITE THEM DOWN - because as long as you live, you can change these things, and when you're dead - no-one cares. Not even you...

"If only I was beautiful, I had not been bullied"
Hmm... there are several ways around this:
1) You can make yourself beautiful.
2) You can heal from bullying and deal with the PTSD, and you can learn how to handle being bullied, so you won't get harmed when it happens again.
3) How do you think your life would have been different had you not been bullied? Give yourself what you believe the bullying deprived your life.
4) What good things did you learn from it? What good things came from having been bullied?
5) You can help others who have been bullied in their lives.

Find your tribe...

I was really happy this morning. I weighed myself and I have lost 1,5 kilos this week. :-)
Just by eating breakfast, eating small meals 4-6 times a day, and eating between 6 A.M and 8 P.M. I have even eaten things I "shouldn't" have, like a ciabatta with lots of butter. I have also exercised a little every day.
A couple of weeks ago I couldn't go out to do the chores I needed to do, because my dress was so tight it looked awful... I wore that dress today and it was hanging loose on me... :-)

Anyway, weight loss is much more fun in pounds, because you lose more ;-)
Start weight, monday, 4th of June  - 234 pounds
Current weight, friday, 8th of June  - 231 pounds.
Can't wait getting under 200...

But - then I received a mail from Da Vinci Divas...

Written a book ... or want to someday?
Perhaps your goal is to share your message and positively impact the lives of others.
Since you're a DaVinci, maybe you want to share one (or more!) of your many passions, express your creativity in print, or "find your tribe."

"Find your tribe"? What's that?

"Your tribe members are those people who accept you just as you are, and who want the very best for you.  They make you feel understood, and they encourage you to go after your goals and pursue your dreams.  Also, the members of your tribe help you to get through difficult times, and they provide you with a sense of community and support."
- How to build your tribe - finding your people

Ouch. I thought I had found that in ---. I thought he accepted me as I am, and not only accepted, but liked what I am... made me feel what I am is good, valuable, interesting and nice... He made me feel understood, comfortable, happy... I thought he wanted the best for me, I felt empowered to go after my goals and pursue my dreams, and I had a sense of community and support... I trusted him with my full being, I would have thrown myself in icy lake had he asked me to do it. I would have gone through fire had he asked me, because I trusted him, and I thought he knew it was going to be all right, it was going to end well, and that if something went wrong, he'd be there to rescue me, to save me, to guide me, to help me through... Because he would never have asked me to do anything he didn't know was safe and ok.

But I was wrong. He did it because it was his job, not because he cared about me. When the problems aroused, he abandoned me, left me standing there alone, lost, scared, desperate...

And the worst thing is that... I still love him and miss him and... I find it extremely hard, impossible at the moment, to accept that I misunderstood his character so badly.
If he wasn't my tribe, how will I ever recognize my tribe?
If he was... If he was, how could he betray me?

"Listen to your inner voice and trust your instincts. Sometimes you’ll meet someone new and you’ll feel drawn to them right away, almost as if you were old friends..."

I recognized him... I thought. I felt at home. He reminded me of my father, both my brothers, the guy I fell in love with when I was 8, the guy I fell in love with when I was 19.
He had a wonderful sense of humor, he seemed very honest, intelligent... Oh, so intelligent! I love his kind of intelligence, open-minded, curious, interested, asking the right questions, attentive, sharp... Wonderful. He was kind and respectful, open and... it was a pleasure to walk with him. He was so steady and agile... adjusting his pace and route to mine perfectly... It would probably have been a pleasure to dance with him.
He felt like a big brother, steady, firm, reliable, safe... he made me feel safe. He made me feel sheltered, supported, like a cliff from which a baby bird takes flight. He was my nest. He was the daddy eagle flying besides me, ready to give a wing tip to steady my wings, ready to take a grip of my back and set me upwards again if I fell...
Oh, the feeling... I don't remember ever feeling that way. He made it seem possible to spread my wings and fly...

And now he's gone. He left me. I crashed on the ground and found myself alone... and I try to flutter and fly, but... it hurts and is scary as hell and I'm so lonely and feel abandoned, forsaken, rejected... and it feels meaningless to even try to fly. What's the point?

Because with my BDD I'm sure he left me because I'm so ugly. I'm worthless, I don't deserve anything good in the life, and because of that I won't get anything good in life, how ever I try. He probably saw that I would never learn to fly, so he left me to help others with bigger chance to succeed.

And I will never again feel like that in my life... never more... never more...

Oh, well... He was just one person. One shouldn't make one person that important, unless that one person is oneself.

"Andy Paige–a stylist on TLC– explains that you need to look for your 1/3.  To summarize: Andy argues that 1/3 of the people you come across will dislike you; 1/3 of the people you meet will be indifferent toward you; and 1/3 of the people you come into contact with will love you.  You’re looking for that that last 1/3.  Those are your people.  Don’t worry about the other 2/3."

But... I'm 43 and I have never met a man like him... I want him in my life, I need him in my life, I must have him in my life... and I cannot. Because he doesn't want to...

My people are so few and my possibilities of meeting them are even fewer. I'm terrified by the thought of that... what if it takes another 40 years to find someone else like him? What if he's the only one out there like that? People are unique! They say it's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, but it would have been better for me never to have met him, and never have enjoyed the luxury of being... of feeling like I was supported, appreciated, covered... I wish I didn't know what I am missing, because the hole is big and gaping and it f-ing hurts!

I do have a tribe. It's not very big. I have my husband, I have my family, and they are my people. They love me, accept me as I am, are supportive, caring, fun to be with, lovely people. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Some people don't even have that many.

"...if you’re already surrounded by a supportive tribe, remember that there are probably many members of your tribe that you have not met yet."

Besides, there are others out there I just haven't met yet. I just need to dare to go out there and...

Why would anyone... why would anyone be what I thought he was, for me? I'm a middle-aged, married woman, ugly and I have never done anything worth mentioning. I am multi-talented, sure, a renaissance woman, a polymath - the CAPACITY is there, but as I have never done anything, none of it shows, and no-one will ever know of my gifts and talents... and no-one will ever bother to look in the box, because it's so ugly, plain, old and dirty. And about those gifts and talents... do I even have anything worth something in the box? He didn't think so. Why would anyone else?

Why does my husband? Why does my family? Why does the people I believe to be my friends on-line?

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. 
Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.”
-- Jane Howard

 I need one... I need someone I thought he was.

“Finding your tribe can have transformative effects on your sense of identity and purpose. This is because of three powerful tribal dynamics: validation, inspiration, and what we’ll call here the ‘alchemy of synergy.’”  
- Ken Robinson

I can think of the things I thought he would do with me, and I can think how to do that with other people... I can think of things the people in movies, books and tv shows etc. do, that I envy them for... I could have a dessert club, or book club, or learn-languages-and-travel club, "come dine with me" club, balcony gardening club, knitting club... but I cannot see any reason why people would like to do that with me.

Then why would he choose to be with me? I can pay a man with sex and intimacy. And cooking and baking... I can do small favors. That's my "language of love". I like to think that our relationship was mutual, even though he was giving me much more... I like to think I gave him something valuable too. I gave him my appreciation, validation, compassion... advice... I think I inspired and encouraged him to do something he might not have done without me... at least I like to think it is so.
Maybe it wasn't.  And that's why he left me... I wasn't giving him anything. Because I cannot give anyone anything worth getting, anything they want.
So - why would anyone like to be with me and do things with me? Why would anyone be in my tribe or accept me in theirs?

I suppose I need to get out there and risk, and perhaps get gladly surprised by finding out that there are more lonely, sad people out there, who don't think anyone want them either, and who find me interesting and, well... are my people.

Ask this question now, before you get caught in settling your new life: who do you want to be? Decide right now to be that. Then go out and do that in every moment. Your people will come to you in surprising ways, because they’re all looking for you, too.
— Brian Andreas

ok... so what has happened...

I weigh 106 kilos. :-(

I have been a good girl, yesterday and today, I have kept my food plan and exercise plan.
My period started today and I'm bloated, my feet hurt like hell, but I'm 300 grams lighter today than I was yesterday... That's nice. If that continues, I'll lose 2 kilos in a week... that's a bit too much... but it would be really nice... >:->
Oh, I know, I didn't collect this weight in a week, so I shouldn't expect to get rid of it in a week either...

My first goal is 100 kilos. I want to get back to the "right" side of that number.

Then I want to get my BMI under 30. I know, BMI is misleading, but not too much in this case. That means 85 kilos, and that would be wonderful :-) I weight about that when I met my husband.

My next goal is to get my BMI under 25, that is to "normal weight". For me that's 70 kilos. I think I weighed that in gymnasium (high school)... Most of that was muscle. I used size 42 clothes and felt I was huge, because my sisters and school mates weighed 10 kilos less and used size 36-38. That matters a lot when one is 18.

And then some conversions for American readers: 70 kilos is 154 pounds, size 42 is US size 14, size 38 is 10 and 36 is 8. Or so they say... to me size 36 is really, really, really small, and I cannot even imagine someone being size 0 - that is... 24? Like a 12 years old kid!
There was a singer who was size 32 I think, and she had to either sew her own clothes or buy kids' clothes, because there were no women's clothing made that small... and she would be US size 4...

I would really like to lose 40 kilos, that is, to weigh 66 kilos. That already seems like an impossible goal, but BMI for 66 kilos is 23! That is on the heavier side of "normal" weight! I wonder who has made these charts! I suppose I could be using size 38 if I weighed 66 kilos, and that is... small to me.

But - to get smack in the middle of the "normal" BMI I would need to weigh 60 kilos.

To get to BMI 20 I'd need to weigh 58 kilos.

To get to BMI 18 - which is the glamour model weight - I'd need to weigh 51 kilos...  That's losing half of me.
I wonder... How bony would I be?
Would I feel beautiful or skin and bones, anorectic skinny, too thin?
Would I care if I managed to reach it, or would I think it's good? Would I already be so brainwashed I'd try to continue losing weight?
The thing is that I'm the same height as Penelope Cruz and if I weighed 50 kilos, I'd be as light as she is - and she has about the same body type as I do, and she's wearing size 4 clothes (yeah... 32) so I'd probably look like her... (she's also just 5 years younger than I am...)

Oh, dear... not too skinny. So not too skinny...
Also, apparently her body is the ideal Hollywood body. Interesting... so if I managed to get myself down to 50 kilos and was fit and agile, I would have the IDEAL HOLLYWOOD BODY... Ouch!
(Victoria Beckham is of the same height and weight, and claims to have the same dress size too, and SHE is too thin... Interesting, isn't it? She's also the same age as Penelope...)

BTW: behold the perfect Hollywood beauty:

“Natalie Portman’s nose, Scarlett Johansson’s lips, Halle Berry’s jaw line, 

Taylor Swift’s hair, Anne Hathaway’s eyes and January Jones’ cheeks"
Reminds me of Jeanne Tripplehorn.

I'm p'd off with my foot that hurts. Apparently I have a sprained muscle in the arch of my foot. I'm glad it's nothing worse. But - I need to rest and I don't have much patience with that... I want to walk, and I can't...  I have taken short walks with the dog, twice a day, but even that might be too much. I'm worried that my work with my physical condition is going to be wasted as I have to sit down...
I suppose I could air bike (do bicycle crunches) *sigh*