I had the most wonderful dream...

Somehow I was 12 again... but I remembered my life as it had turned out, now, the real life as 42... and I started doing things with that in mind. I had been given a new chance and this time I was not going to make the same mistakes...

I know

"...you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with – and usually have similar wealth, health and attitude. So are you hanging out with whiners who just complain about the status quo or people who actively try to live life in a positive way and do things to get them closer to their dreams?
-- Decide to "move" on 2012

and

"...in this information age when messages, images, and information are coming at us almost faster than we can receive them, our brains are creating new neural pathways to accommodate the input. The first time we see an image on a screen... ...our brain creates a new neural pathway to process that image... ...Input always travels the path of least resistance. So the second time we see the new image, it will travel the same route. And before long, the new neural pathway has been stimulated enough to “desire” of itself continued activation. A habit is born. After that, when the brain is not currently occupied, we long for that image... ...Without realizing it, we have begun to crave these places of input, hunger for them, to the point where they can surreptitiously dominate our time... ...Recent studies have also shown that when our minds are over-stimulated, we begin to make decisions without considering the consequences."
- The Battle in our brains

That really means that "company makes you alike it" - so choose your company very wisely.

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
-- Oscar Wilde

It's not too late... NOW is the time I decide where I want to be when I'm 72. I hope I can be that 12-years-old today...

365 Pinterest Challenge

Oh, I love challenges. I never finish them, because I'm a master procrastinator, so I'll do something about the challenge tomorrow... You know how it is :-D

Nevertheless, there's this site, Pinterest... (if you wish to be invited, just leave me your email addy in comments - and don't write it the name@whatever.com form, because that's a foolproof way to get your address copied by spam sites, but write at instead of @ and dot instead of . - name at whatever dot com. BTW, I will delete the comment after I have sent you the invitation, so that your email addy will not stay online.)

Anyway, Pinterest... There are tons of wonderful, inspiring things there, and everyone just keeps pinning and does nothing about the pinned things. Oh, Aspie heaven! And people are tired of not doing anything, so they create challenges, and one of these challenges is 365 days of Pinterest. That is, to do one pinned thing every day during the year.

So - it's January 26th and I need to do like 30 things this weekend to keep up with the others making 2012 the 365 Pinterest year :-D

I'm so JEALOUS!!!

I hate her!

There's this celebrity, who's famous just because she has a famous daddy. Well... she has about the same taste in things I do, thinks she can craft (not really) and because she acts as if, and because she's famous, she gets all these opportunities *I* will not get. No-one will publish my craft book. No-one would buy it. I won't ever get rich, have all these opportunities she has, I won't be able to make "it" happen, because I don't have the money or connections this B* has. And now she's even a mother. That too...

Now I wish I could use my jealousy, hatred, aversions, feeling of unfairness, to inspire me into "anything you can do I can do better" and without any help from famous parents, celebrity or such.

Give up this...

And give up just half an hour a day and go out and walk. Exercise. Do something.
Give up fifteen minutes at internet, pinning things at pinterest, and actually do some of the fitness things you pinned.
Give up soda, refined carbs and brown things, and replace them with fresh fruits, veggies, lovely salads with flavor and all the colors of the rainbow...
Give some crunches as you watch your favorite tv shows.
Give some of your lunch hour and take a walk.

P.S. I was listening to Bryan Adams' (Everything I do) I do it for you... and I always think of my husband - usually. Not this time. I don't do everything I do for him. I do it... for me... and suddenly I realized how much I truly love myself... and nothing else matters anymore... Such a weird feeling.

Look into my eyes, you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart, search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

Look into your heart, you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

Yeah, I would fight for you, I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you, yeah I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do, oh, I do it for you

I have been walking...

I have been taking at least 3 5km walks in a week since November. I would say I have walked at least every other day, because I try to do it every day. It wasn't easy during Yule, though.
It doesn't show anywhere. I'm getting p'd off. (Well, it shows. I'm a bit tighter, have a better posture and clothes sit a bit better. But I haven't lost a size or so, so - a bit. *sigh*)
I want to lose weight. I want to get at least under 80 again.

25 ways to burn 500 calories is not 25 ways to burn 500 calories. Good advice, though.

It's like this list of "healthy snacks". I hate it when people don't seem to understand that "healthy" and "healthier" are not synonyms.

Or "android" body type... This is so me. 

Except I won't get a booty like that "normal" girl, ever.

I also hate it when people automatically assume that my body type must be "endomorph", because I'm fat. I'm mesomorph, have always been and will always be. I don't have narrow shoulders and short limbs, on the contrary. I have never been pear-shaped. Not even now when I'm fat. I don't have hourglass figure. I'm V-shaped. You know, valkyrias. Big breast, wide chest and shoulders, wide back, and I get heavier of upper body.

Well... today my BMI is 37.2 and my estimated body fat percentage is 43%.
Interestingly that's 8% less than half a year ago... BMI is about the same. Weird. So - I'm getting muscles. Muscles burn more calories, so... I'll just wait and the BMI will start going down too.

I hate Wordpress

I have a wordpress blog, The One and Only. It doesn't work the way I want a blog to work. I like Blogger.

Anyway, there's the Day Zero Project
There's 50 before 50
and there's SYED - scare yourself every day.

On first day of the year of living dangerously, Greg went to a party where he knew practically no-one.

Yeah, that would be scary. I'm not invited to parties anymore... we never go, anyway.
But... perhaps it's time to visit Forodrim again.
And start singing in the choir. Scary thing to do: contact the choir leader and go to the first meeting. Singing - not scary at all.

Day 2 - spring cleaning... Life laundry.

Yes, that's scary. But I know someone who's even more scared by the thought than I am... my husband.
I know I really need to clean our apartment. It's messy and dirty and takes a damn lot of energy just to live in... it makes me tired and unhappy just by existing.

Day 3 - work presentation... I don't have a job. But I'm supposed to keep a lecture on my life before and after Aspergers diagnosis. I'm okay with that. The only problem is that it's taking for ever.

Day 4 - getting more social at yoga class...
I want to start with yoga class. That would be a really scary thing to do... I wonder if they have beginner classes in yoga in Södertälje... They have parkour for 40+ people... in Stockholm. It costs a bit too much for me though.

Day 5 - admitting defeat

No problems with that. Not giving up, now that's another story.

Day 6 - talking to someone new

Yeah, scary. Plan on doing this next week, when I go back to the choir.

Day 7 - going out with myself

Yeah, scary. I need to go to movies with myself, I need to go to a restaurant with myself, and I need to go to a café with myself.

Okay... so this is what I'll do.

THIS is what a 100 kg woman looks like!

My BMI is 37.

I do feel I look like the second woman from right.

The problem here is that BMI doesn't take into consideration your muscle weight, and muscles do weight more than fat...

Photographic height/weight chart
I think that is great. Much better than those computer generated graphics made by... don't know who. Like this "my virtual model"... the thin girl's breasts are bigger and arms longer than the thick girl's...

Oh, dear.... II

Well... my "fitness number" is damn bad... 25. It took me 15 minutes to walk 1,5 km as fast as I could! FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!
That's about the distance I walked every day since I was 7 to buss stop and back again, to get to school, and it took me about 10 minutes then, and I didn't even walk fast...
When we moved to Sodertalje, it took me half an hour to walk from Sodertalje to our home, 3 km. I KNEW I'm in bad shape, but... 25... that's so bad!

"fitness number" is how much oxygen my body is able to uptake (mL/kg/minutes)
Now, one cannot be quite precise without a proper test, but this is based on how long it takes to walk a certain distance. And to think that my "fitness number" was over 60 when I was 16... :´(
How bad I have been to myself! Shame on me!

Just because of this I want to do this again tomorrow and see if I can do better... I'll be damned if I'm going to allow this. :-D

Oh, dear...

Right now I'm horribly jealous to all who have children... That little sweet thing there is me, at the age of 2 or something like that. I was born 1969 and the date behind the photo is 1971.

I'm violently jealous. I want to go and kill all the children in the world, because I have none. No-one else should have children either.

What have I done to not deserve children? I would have been a good mom. The world is full of people who are horrible moms and dads and they have children. People abuse, rape, kill and maim children all over the world all the time... I wouldn't have done that. I would have been a good mom, and given my children everything they need, and a lot of what they want...

But - no kids. So f-ing unfair.

And that cannot be explained by the fact that I have Asperger's. That I didn't have a boyfriend was because of AS, but children... I was 26 when I started being with my current husband, and that would have been quite ok age to have children. Now I'm 42.

P.S. I just found out that the fertility clinic committed a medical error. They refused to treat me even though they didn't have any legal reason to do so... At that time - 10 years ago - my husband and I fulfilled every necessary condition. They should have given me treatment, and... Even though chances for pregnancy are only about 1/3, I would have had three chances, and by that time the chances grow - it's 3/4 chances to get pregnant by three treatments.
They stole my baby. Now it's too late.

Where and what do I want to be when 2013 arrives?

Oh, dear... I don't know. I have all these dreams and fantasies and plans, but that's all they are. I never DO anything to make them come true...

I hate the way I look, but I don't do much to change it. I keep saying I can change it, but as I haven't changed it, how do I know I can? I wish something could make me angry enough to actually prove that I can, and change the way I look and stop hating the way I look.

I would want to be able to make pictures like the artists I admire, and I would say I have the necessary talents... Again, I do nothing to change this fact. I'm just sitting on my --- and whining about not being good enough.

I'm sure I could write books better than many others, and good enough, but I don't write. I would love BEING a writer, but writing...? Obviously not enough, because I don't write.

I know I'm a coloratura contralto (G3-G5), and would probably get higher if I practiced, but I don't practice. And I'm angry with me for that too.

I know I can play several instruments, and... yeah... If I only practiced.

I could do anything, if I only practiced.

It has been a lot of weight loss,

but not actual weight loss. Funny how things work.

I was asked where I see myself in a year.
I see myself right here. Nothing has changed. Nothing changed, ever, in my past, why would it change in the future? I will probably weigh more, know less, be more disappointed and tired and angry and sad with myself, because I still live on what was and what could be, in stead of what is and what will be... I live very much in fantasies, where I am oh-so-all-kinds-of-things. But I still think all the time "tomorrow, tomorrow, there'll always tomorrow..." Mañana. Morgen, morgen, nur nicht heute... Not today. Tomorrow. I'll do it all tomorrow. I'll start the diet tomorrow. I'll stretch tomorrow. I'll practice and study and do the homework and so on, tomorrow. Always tomorrow.
I have a lecture to write. I'll do that tomorrow.
I have a painting to finish. I'll do that tomorrow too.
I need to write. Tomorrow.
I need to... do hundreds of things, that won't take long, so I don't need to do it now, I'll do it tomorrow.

But the thing is... tomorrow never comes. It's always today. And one of these todays it'll be too late.
On the other hand, then it doesn't matter anymore :-D
Until then, it does matter.

I don't want to be disappointed, angry, sad and tired with myself.

New Year...

12 months of possibilities and promises... but what? What promises?
I could do anything if I only knew what it was...

Anyway, I am having problems... I feel I'm being challenged, and I like it... but I don't think I'm going to win this war.

And I don't know if I want to either... but... oh, he's pushing all my buttons.

This is the Year of the Eagle for me...

Eagle is the symbol of flying higher, fearless and clear vision and leadership.

"Here are a few attributes and keywords associated with Eagle Medicine:

    Opportunity
    Protection
    Guardianship
    Masculinity (warrior and hunter energy; energy, vitality, courage, bravery, fearlessness)
    Dominance
    Control
    Freedom
    Community
    Command
    Action
    Authority
    Skill
    Focus
    Determination
    Vision
    Power
    Liberation
    Inspiration
    Ruler
    Judgment"

"Eagle's medicine includes swiftness, strength, courage, wisdom, keen sight, illumination of Spirit, healing, creation, knowledge of magic, ability to see hidden spiritual truths, rising above the material to see the spiritual, ability to see the overall pattern/big picture, connection to spirit guides and teachers and higher truths, great power and balance, dignity with grace, intuitive and creative spirit, respect for the boundaries of the regions, grace achieved through knowledge and hard work."

"If Eagle is your power animal, you feel the need to have an involvement with creation, a willingness to experience extremes, a willingness to use your abilities, a willingness to seek out your true emotions. You must become much more than you ever imagined would be possible."

Oh, yeah... I want that.

BTW, I don't have an official diagnosis of having BDD, because I am okay with being ugly, and I believe to be generally ugly and don't try to change the fact... but I think I have it anyway, because this is how I see me:

And this is a photo of me:

I don't see much difference, but people tell me there is... and I do think about it, and it does effect me. I do wish I was pretty, like my sister. I avoid mirrors, I don't usually even care about how I look, because - you can paint crap, but it's still crap, besides, I look even worse with makeup. :-D  I am ugly, and I have accepted it as a fact. Some people need to be ugly, so that pretty people look prettier.
I know that I have said often in this blog that I look pretty good and all that, but it's mostly just positive affirmation... if I repeat it often enough, I might start to believe in it. Today I don't believe it for five cents.
My husband thinks I'm pretty, but he would now. He's a man. All sane men think their wife/girlfriend is the prettiest girl in the world, and what's lacking in the physical is more than enough outweighed by her other qualities. When my husband got the question "why her?" he didn't say it was because I was pretty, but because I'm kind and intelligent... rather describing, I think. And, yeah, I'm brilliant, open, kind, friendly, talented, refreshingly innocent, real and different... but not pretty. I suppose one day I will be able to truly accept it, but right now thinking about it makes me cry. I don't want to look at photos of me, and there really is rather few of them.