I should read my blog more :-D

Today I'm "there" again.

I noticed that I have no habits, except the habit of doing what I want at any given moment. The habit of following my impulses where ever they might take me, and they have taken me to 104.8 kilos. (231 pounds. Yay! One pound less than a week ago!)

I have bad impulse control. (No, it's not a disorder.) I eat too much and wrong kind of food, I don't exercise, I waste time in idiotic things like playing computer games - not to relax and wind down, but because I need to make time pass... - I don't take care of my responsibilities, my home nor myself, I just float from day to day and do absolutely nothing but what I feel like doing at any given moment.
I have enormous difficulties in getting myself to the different meetings with doctors or other people outside home trying to help me, I get horrible anxiety that makes me sleep badly and feel bad almost half a day before and half a day after the meeting. I don't want to have it like that.

In a way it is my husband's "fault". He has been preaching the philosophy of not doing what one doesn't want to do. It's sort of his way of revolting against the very strict life of his childhood, but my problem is not that I don't do what I want to do... Trying to remember back to my life, I don't remember much habits, structure or routines in my life when I was a child either. There was school, but I used to have "friday sickness" - I didn't go to school every day. Of course, I was bullied at school, and I didn't have many friends, so it wasn't fun to go to school, and as I already knew quite a lot more than my peers, there was no reason to go to school either. Now there doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to make me take care of things I should take care of, like cleaning the apartment.

I will never win the challenge this way :-D

If I lose a pound a week, I will be in goal weight in two years.
I am also not so patient... A pound a week would be absolutely perfect pace, I would probably be able to exercise away the flaps of skin in that time, and I would be slender before my 45th birthday. :-)
But I want it now! I want to be skinny, thin, slender NOW!
And I want it without needing to do anything to get it ;-)

How do you practice tenacity?

I really want to become the best me I can, and if I have understood correctly, I can be just that, by embracing all my talents... and I have plenty.
There is so much things to learn, there is so much things... I'm sorry I didn't learn all these things when I was little. I'm sorry I'm not very tenacious. I would speak fluent Finnish, Swedish, English, Spanish, Italian, French, Portuguese, Dutch, Japanese, Arabic, Latin, Hebrew, German, and several other languages, if I had any more resilience... perhaps that is something I need to practice more, not my skills and talents.

How do you practice tenacity?
How do you get that "not afraid of dying on the treadmill" attitude?
How do you learn not to give in?
I really need that. I could do anything if I had that.

Is it just about attitudes, and if so, which attitude it is? And how do you train yourself not to give in?
Is it about fear?
Or priorities?
What is important? Nothing... I wonder if I had it when I was little, but then something happened that made me give it up... all those years of waiting, all those years of "it's not worth crying, it's not worth taking that seriously"... it's no use to do anything, hang on, be tenacious, because the world is as it is, and laisse-faire attitude gives me more serenity. Now.
But combined with fear, what it created was this magnificent body of 100+ kilos, probably diabetes, sleep apnea, pain, bad condition, bad conscience, neverending hunger...

Why am I eating? Food has become the only luxury from being the only affordable luxury... But they say, no food tastes as good as being slim.

I don't believe I will be able to lose weight. I have been overweight my whole adult life, and I have just been getting fatter and fatter every year, the last 10 years...

22 reasons to never give up
They didn't give up... a list of people who didn't give up and what they did

motivation and the power of not giving up
6 ways not to give up
not giving up quotations

I ate pancakes with syrup yesterday. I don't know why. I was watching some inspirational weight loss videos, and getting prepared to walk to the store to buy some salads... and then I remembered that my husband had intended the chicken to be used to make Chinese food, and I should also buy the ingredients for the Chinese food as well. I don't want that. I want a good salad with a lot of different stuff in, different colors, spenach and tomatoes and paprika and fruit and then piece of chicken to go with it... and nice, light French dressing, so that I get the fatty acids I need...

How to avoid saggy skin after weight loss?

The unavoidable truth is that if you lose weight quickly - like giving birth to a baby - your skin might not be able to "hang" with you - so it ends up hanging... in nasty, ugly folds, flapping wings, sides, buttocks and belly, arms and thighs... I don't want that. At the moment it seems that all you can do to that AFTERWARDS is to cut it off. So think about it BEFORE.

1. Loose weight slowly.
2. Exercise - fill the "gap" with muscles. That will also improve the "tightness" of skin. I don't know how that works, but it does.
3. Give your skin a lot of water and nutritions. Eat proper food with all vitamins, minerals and oils, the good stuff. It's better to get those things from natural food than through additives and man-made chemicals in pills and "added" stuff.
4. Give your skin some sunlight for vitamin D. It will also make you less hungry.
5. Start losing weight NOW. Don't wait till tomorrow, or next monday, or next month or after holidays or your vacation or anything. The skin loses elasticity as you get older, and you get older every day... Start NOW.

Exfoliating, rubbing, dry-brushing, moisturising and massaging the skin might help somewhat.

So - let's see if that'll help.

Here's what I have to work with:

 Yes, those stripes on my "love handles" are stretch marks, and I had them already when I was 15 and not overweight. I suppose my skin has never been very elastic... nice for me, huh?

Oh, damn, it's ugly!

Nevertheless, it shows, that I need to work with my arms, thighs, sides, back and belly.

Now, I chose to wear these bikini pants under my belly. They actually cover that belly flap "normally", so that I look a little better.
My bottom has always been small and "tight"

You know... Angelina Jolie doesn't have that much bottom either...

 

and see, even though she's so skinny, she too has "muffin tops"

I have to stop...

... but how?

"Using your measurements of a 43.5 inches waist and weight of 232 pounds your body fat percentage is estimated to be 51.10 % using the U.S. Navy body fat formula, or 46.36 % using the formula developed by the YMCA.  "

My BMI is 37.6

Obesity class II is also called morbid obesity. I'm eating myself to death.

Women's Calorie Calculator Results
          
These calorie calculator results will help you understand how many calories you need to maintain your current weight, and the number of calories needed per day to achieve your goal weight in a healthy, steady manner.

You need 2267.9 calories per day to maintain your current weight without exercise.

You need 1774.4 calories per day to reach your goal weight slowly and maintain that weight without exercise.

If you reduce your current caloric intake to 1767.9 calories per day you will lose one pound per week without exercise.

If you increase your current caloric intake to 2767.9 calories per day, you will gain one pound per week.

Exercise and Calorie Needs

If you exercise for 30 minutes each day, you may increase your caloric intake to 2532.4 calories per day and still maintain your current weight.

If you exercise for 60 minutes each day, you may increase your caloric intake to 2863 calories per day to maintain your current weight.

If you exercise for 30 minutes each day, you will be able to reach your goal weight with 1979.6 calories per day.

If you exercise for 60 minutes each day, you will be able to reach your goal weight with 2236.2 calories per day.