Well... bad news? Or god?

My doctor called... he's a bit upset because I don't trust him. I feel he doesn't listen. He claims he does. The last call ended with he telling me there was nothing wrong with my tests, I asking him where will we go now, and he ending the call... I am, of course, happy to know there's nothing wrong with my blood sugar or thyroids, that I don't have high blood pressure, anemia or rheumatic problems, but I have something and I want to know what it is, so that something can be done to it. Either I get help and cure, or I get to live on permanent disability. What ever. I just want to know what is wrong. My hands are aching so bad.

I don't have a good appetite. All food tastes bad. I keep searching for good food, delicious food, the experience with food, I keep eating because I miss the luxury of tasty food. I suppose I should go by my appetite. If I start loosing weight like 10 kilos a month, someone should react.
I wish I found something else to indulge myself with. I don't like spas and such.

I was at the town today

When I was dressing up, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that I don't look that bad. Sure, I'm fat, but I don't look bad.
I got dressed and still liked the way I looked and it felt good.
I got off the buss, saw my reflection in a shop window and was shocked! I didn't look like that in my own mirror! I looked almost pregnant, very much top-heavy and dressed somewhat like a bag-lady. Not at all nice.

I'm the "goblet shape" - wide back, shoulders, breast, big breasts, high and short waist, square, narrow hips and loooooooooooooong legs.
Now, they are not good looking long legs, because they are very muscular. I have the awful, ugly calf muscles with very good definition. I look like a bad transvestite on high heels. My husband happens to love muscular women and doesn't like the smooth shaped legs, which I think are good looking legs. So - no fishnets and miniskirts for me, thank you. I don't understand why people think if a woman has long legs, she must have good looking legs! I don't!
Sure, I should get bootcut trousers with my high heels and... er... what the heck to do with the upper part?
V-necks, crossovers, wraps, scooped necks, 3/4 coat.
"V neck tops and jackets nipped in at the waist are best for minimizing their top halves."
Hmm...
They also say that Catherine Zeta Jones, Renee Zellweger and Jessica Lange have this shape... good for me :-) I love Catherine Zeta Jones, and wouldn't mind one bit having her body :-D So, if I weight 130 pounds too, as she does, and dance, as she does, I will :-) (Looking at that CZJ "raw" image on left... well... perhaps. Except that I won't have as nice legs.)

P.S. I'm looking at Star... they are talking about Reese Witherspoon's 49.5 feet character in Monsters vs. Aliens and Daryl Hannah's 50 feet character in Attack of the 50 foot woman. The name in Swedish is "Wow, my wife is a sexy monster". *sigh*

What makes a girl beautiful?

These women are not beautiful by my standards. But they are thin... and they care about their looks, have definite style, makeup, hair done, and have self confidence. They act as they were beautiful and the world responds by treating them as if they were. And it's all that really matters.

I, as every other woman on this planet (or so I believe), want to be beautiful. I'm sure my face is already more beautiful, so if I only learn to put on a makeup, get a stylish wardrobe (and I'm sure I would have style, even if I wasn't fashionable), good haircut, learn to run with high heels, exercise a lot and get agile, and - yes, loose half of me... the world would see me as beautiful too :-)

Now, the world would see me as beautiful already today, if I saw myself as beautiful.

According to this ideal body weight calculator, I should weight around 70 kilos. I weight 105.9 kg. BMI 37.5. Ok, so I'm fat. So?

Diseases linked to obesity are: diabetes, gallstones, problems with breathing, sleep apnea, problems with heart and veins, problems with back and legs and problems with menstruation, fertility and pregnancy.

Now, I have problems with breathing and sleep apnea and problems with legs. It would be nice to not to have pain in knees and ankles and to be able to breathe and sleep normally. I also do NOT want diabetes, gallstones or heart problems.
But nice enough to start loosing weight?

I can have my comfort. Nothing stops me from sitting in a sofa in my flanell nightie and duvet and books and tv. I just have to change my eating and start exercising. That takes only half an hour a day from sofa time. Not too dangerous and hard, don't you agree?

I don't need to sacrifice any of my favorite foods. I can eat anything, just not as much.
Two spoonfuls of macaroni and cheese is just as good as a whole bowl.
A quarter cinnamon roll is just as good as five.
A handful of candy is just as good as a bowlful.
If I eat my candy a handful a day, a bowl lasts a lot longer. I can eat my candy and have it too, you see ;-)
It also saves money which I can use to buy me something else I like, like more yarn, books, CDs, DVDs, jewelry, art... pretty clothes or materials to make pretty clothes. They make very few pretty clothes of my size, and I can sew, so I can make my own pretty clothes. Or I could, if not all my money went on candy and fast food ;-)

I should eat when I'm hungry, what I want and stop eating when I'm not hungry anymore. If it means eating a bite of a sandwich every two hours, then that's what I should do.

I should eat what I eat between 6AM and 6PM. People who eat breakfast and who don't eat at night have better BMI than people who skip the breakfast and eat after 8PM.

I should be drinking water and take my multivitamins and fish oil :-) That helps too.

Here's a very good article to help you decide what changes you need to do to loose weight. If you want to... ;-)

But why loose weight, other than for health reasons?
Health reasons should be enough, but the thing is that I hate the way I look. I think I'm disgusting. I think others think I'm disgusting. I am ashamed of the way I look. I hate being fat. I am ashamed for being fat. It is eating my self confidence. I don't do a lot of things because I'm fat.
I don't go to a gym,
I don't start martial arts training, even though I love martial arts passionately. I drool over swords and watch action movie fight scenes with shining eyes and manic grin.
I don't go to yoga.
I don't do parkour, even though I love that too.
I don't do acrobatics and contortion, and I would love to. I would love to be able to sit on my own head :-D
I don't go bungyjumping nor do any of the extreme things I long to do.
I'm too fat and heavy, people would laugh at me, I would damage myself or the equipment, people would laugh at me...

I want to be beautiful and sexy, and not only to my husband. I want to give my husband a wife to be proud of. I know he's proud of me, because he has expressed it very clearly that he is, but I don't think other guys think he's lucky to have me. I think they laugh at him, pity him, think he's a looser, because I'm fat.

I also want to wear pretty clothes and look good in them. As it is now, I look fat in almost anything, BECAUSE I AM FAT! I don't think I look good. My sisters are all lean and beautiful and dress well, and I'm just fat. I hate going to clothes stores, when the biggest size they have is 42, perhaps 44, and I am size 50. It is extremely painful and humiliating and just increases my feeling of being left out and being ignored. They don't even bother clothing me! I am to wear some old sack and go be ashamed of myself for being such a fat looser, not to come into their posh store with clothes for WOMEN. Fat women are not women, just something... disgusting.
As Oscar de la Renta put it, when asked by a large woman if he could make her clothes; "Madam, I am not an upholsterer, I design CLOTHES" (A statement I will NEVER forgive him. NEVER!)
That story is supposed to be funny, but excuse me for not laughing when a person is reduced into a walking piece of furniture, and especially when it's done by one of the privileged people. His charity work and work for environment doesn't excuse him. Frankly, it's his DUTY to give at least 10 percent of his incomes to charity anyway, and he gets very well paid by people's admiration of his "generosity" and "kindness". Bah! Insensitive, prejudiced b--rd, that's what he is.

Sure, he designs very nice clothes, but let's face it -
anyone can dress a model and make it look good. It takes a real designer to dress a woman who is not perfect and make it look good.
Oscar de la Renta cannot do that.

I am fat, but soon I won't be

I weigh over 100 kilos. That's over 200 pounds. This year started well. By the Christmas 2008 I went over 100 kilos, got really scared and disgusted with me, started the new year with Atkins, lost 10 kilos, was pleased with me, and then in February I spoiled it all. Came my sister's 50th birthday, came Imbolc, Mardi Gras, and I didn't want to deny me all the goodies... so I didn't. Now, half a year later, I weigh about 105 kilos. I hate myself, I hate my weight, I hate my fat. My husband tries to tell me that he loves my body, just the way it is, but it's not helping much, because I get a slightly bad conscience for hating it so much, wanting to destroy something he likes... I know he will like me 40 kilos lighter too, because it's me he loves, but... I hate being fat.

So, Atkins it is from today on, until I have reached the goal weight. It's not too harsh, I don't plan on going from 105 to 55. I haven't weighed 55 kilos since I was... 13 or something. I don't even plan to get to the "ideal weight" of a woman of my height, 59 kilos. I weighed over 60 kilos already when I was a teenager, and haven't gone back. Was I fat then? No way! I was athletic. Almost pure muscle. But I also have very wide shoulders and breast and back, which makes me look much heavier than I am.

Now I'm going to jump over the long and sad story of my childhood - what is needed to know in this blog is that I was very lonely child, living in the middle of nowhere with no reasonable possibility to join the social gatherings, we were poor and I was bullied since I was 10. I turned to food and candy to try to heal my wounded soul. I used to make myself a batch of fudge when I came home from school - there wasn't anyone home, usually, take the pan and a book and disappear. Candy loved you, tasted good, who ever you were. It still does.
Why would I leave my best friend, my only friend, simply because it makes me fat?

So what I need to do is to realize that candy is not my friend. It's like a neighborhood dealer. It gives me a high and I pay with my health, physical, mental and social.

The problem is that I can't see anything I could replace it with. I don't trust people, thanks to the 30 years of abuse I have received from them. People are fickle, self-centered, forgetful and untrustworthy... It's not that they could do anything about it. I'm the same way. I think of only what I see everyday, it's out of sight, out of mind. I have my own problems and life closest my heart, and don't see others' problems and situations, why would they see mine? I fully understand WHY people are fickle, self-centered, forgetful and untrustworthy, but the fact remains that that is what they are. Every social meeting, whether it's two people meeting each other at the street, or a 80000 people at a concert, is a soup of situations and problems and troubles and worries and hopes and thoughts and feelings and moods and chemistry...
You can trust in simple chemistry of cooking and baking and candy-making. You can trust the can of ice cream. You can trust the bag of candy. You can trust your daily bread and pasta, butter and cream.

Frankly, I just want to be with my candy and my books. It's safe. It's nice. It's rewarding. It's comfortable.

How would I learn to choose adventures over safe? I love adventures, I would love to be an action heroine, a person who goes to places no-one else has ever been, a person doing extreme things, climbing Mount Everest, diving, bungyjumping, skydiving, going to Moon, walking around the world... with my physical condition that's not going to happen. I doubt I have the mental strength needed either. I rather watch Lara Croft and Modesty Blaise and dream of it.

What would be the alternative to comfort? I have such a need for comfort... a huge, big hole inside of me, yearning for comfort... a soft cocoon to protect me... I would much rather sit by a fireplace in a big, comfy chair and footstool, dressed in flanell nightgown, thick robe, slippers or thick, knitted socks (not itchy kind), with a good book, a cup of hot chocolate and a dog than go clubbing dressed in something very nice and high heels, being beautiful, slim and wild. The mere idea of going clubbing freezes me... So cold. So exposed. So vulnerable, naked, open... asking to be hurt. No. I want my chair, blankie and hot chocolate. And my teddybear.

I don't dare to eat. Food is keeping me from being thin... but why would I want to be thin?

I want to eat carbs. I want to eat pasta with thick, fat sauce, spicy and salty, and a nice, white bread with a lots of butter on. I want danish pastries and butter croissants and cinnamon buns. Washed down with cold milk or hot, strong tea with milk.
But that's what got me into this "fat suit" in the first place...

The truth is that food doesn't taste as good anymore.