How I Lost Half of Me But Became Whole

about losing and missing

2012-03-04T02:16:00.000-08:00

I started an amazing adventure last summer... Misa. It's a company designed to get people with Aspergers to work, because of all the positive effects of having a normal work... like social life with work mates, routine, salary, worth of doing something meaningsful and worthwhile... having a "normal" place in the world, feeling a little less different and awkward and alien.

It was wonderful. I was being open and honest about myself, and the guys acted as if it was something good... I felt seen and listened to, and approved and appreciated... and it felt really good. And I was starting to think that perhaps I AM worth something, ME... that I don't NEED to try to adjust and fit into some expectations and models and be something I am not... that I have something worth something to add to the world and society, that I am not just some weirdo...

My adventure ended this week. I need to wait until next week to really feel the impact of this piece in my life missing.

The worst part of it is that it ended really badly...
I fell in love with my work coach... or mentor or what to call him. He reminded me of my father, both my big brothers AND my first love. Besides, it's his job to be interested in me... I didn't have a chance! :-D (I also happen to think he's quite good looking.) I was being open and honest about my crush and the result was that he cut off all communication, and disappeared from my life as if he was dead. His last words to me were "See you in Tuesday".

Now, I have Aspergers. One of the things we have great difficulties with is changes. Another is not being informed. Not only did I lose my mentor, I lost also the time for my appointment I was used to have, and I was appointed another coach, a person I've never met or spoken with, and what made it worse was that I was practically ignored. I was informed that I'm going to get another work coach and this person will contact me... some day, in the future and that's it. That's all.

Right now I'm fully convinced of that they were just pretending to be interested of me. I was an assignment, a job, not a human being. I feel like a lab rat, a freak show exhibit... come see the fat, bearded, tattooed lady... you won't believe what she can do with ping-pong balls!

It makes it very hard to believe in what they said to me, what made me feel good about myself... but on the other hand...

I am amazing, wonderful, unique - even for a person with Aspergers. I am brilliant in all the meanings of the word, childlike, innocent, naïve, pure, true, honest, sincere, open and lovely.

And the thing is that I might not be beautiful, sexy, attractive, irresistable... I might not be a "glamour girl". People might not be pinning my pictures on the wall as something they like looking at... but that... that, my darlings, that is just a question of attitude and a little work.
In reality, I am not uglier than women who are considered the most beautiful in the world. Because it is a question of an attitude. I have to carry myself as if I was beautiful.
And it is a question of care and work - I need to take care of me and present myself as if I was a sexy, beautiful woman.
After all, I AM amazing, brilliant and all that ALREADY. I can actually put a little work on the package... because I AM worth it.

This is Scarlett Harlott... wow... THAT is what I want!

The color, the style, the flare, the confidence, the smile!

So - next Tuesday, I will not see the man I had a crush on. I will see myself.
I will take myself to a date and treat me with the best I can.
I will do things I'm afraid of because I ask myself to.
I will tell myself what an amazing and wonderful person I am, and this time I know it's 100% true, honest and sincere, because I wouldn't lie to me. I say those things to myself, because I care about me and I believe those things to be true.
I will teach myself things, like how to apply make-up and how to keep it on :-D
I will give me everything my heart desires...

I will have a wonderful life.

Long, red hair...

2012-02-23T12:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I wasn't born with a red hair. My hair is sort of caramel colored, or almost pure gray in certain light... but also... when the henna grows out, there is a clear, red shade in my hair still... I find it interesting.
Nevertheless, with henna and other dyes in the world, no-one needs to be born with red hair to be born to be a red-head... ;-) I wouldn't want red hair, if I wasn't supposed to have red hair :-D

30 things you can do to make your hair grow faster

1) cut the split ends - about half a centimeter ever second month should do the trick

2) hot oil massage - warm up a small cup of oil and rub it in your hair. Massage the oil in your scalp in gentle, circular motions. Put a warm towel to your hair and let it stand for at least half an hour. Wash your hair and let it air-dry

“Indian women are known for beautiful hair,” says Purohit. “Hair oil massages are a big thing. Once a week, we apply coconut, olive or almond oil to hair, massage it in for five minutes, leave on for 10, then shampoo.”

- Hair repair recipe

2 tbsp honey
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar

Mix ingredients in a small bowl until they are well combined.
Apply the mixture on dry, unwashed hair, starting at your roots, and combing through your hair to distribute evenly.
Clip your hair up and wait 30-60 minutes.
Wash your hair.

- Egg Yolk Mask

2 egg yolks
2 tbsp olive oil
1 cup water

slowly and thoroughly massage this into your scalp and hair, let the mask stand for 15-20 minutes and rinse off.

- Vinegar hair rinse

1 part vinegar
2 parts water

Vinegar helps hair restore its optimal pH value, it seals the cuticles making each strand shinier, stronger and less prone to breakage and it removes product buildups that literally suffocate the scalp and slow down normal hair growth.

- rosemary hair water

2 tsp dry rosemary
3 dl water

massage into your hair and scalp starting from the ends. Let dry.

- banana hair mask

mash a ripe, soft banana, massage it into your scalp and hair, cover with a plastic bag, wrap a hot towel over it and let it stand.

- egg white hair mask

whisk together the whites of 3 eggs. Massage the meringue into your hair and let it sit 5-10 minutes. Rinse out with cold water, then wash your hair.

- Onion hair rinse

Boil a couple of onions in water and use it as hair rinse.

- potato hair mask

juice 3 potatoes
add 1 egg yolk
add 1 tbsp honey

rub into your hair, let stand 15 minutes, rinse away

3) drink water, eat proteins and vitamins B, A and C (especially biotin)

4) avoid blow drying

5) brush your hair twice a day, when it's dry

6) Stay away silicone based hair products and wax.

7) No conditioner in the scalp

8) Let the conditioner work about 10 minutes in heat, like in a steamroom or wrap your head in hot towel.

9) Avoid washing your hair

10) Avoid all hair styling products

11) Protect your hair against sun by using hats and scarves

12) Oil your hair before going in the pool

13) Use silk pillow cases or a silk scarf to protect your hair when you're sleeping

14) massage your scalp about 10 minutes

Oh, yeah...

2012-02-18T02:34:00.000-08:00

Thursday was a bad day. Nothing compared to Friday. Stupid me told him and asked for help, and he dropped me like a hot potato and run. He even left the informing part to someone else.

So now it has been proven, eagles are just glorified chicken. Just like swans are glorified geese.

And because he left it to someone else to tell me, now there's more people who knows than necessary. I really thought he could help me. Well... he did. Nothing to clear a girl's head of illusion of a crush, nothing to cure temporary insanity, as to find out the object of your crush is a coward, stupid, selfish and cruel.

Yes, cruel... You remember me telling I have Aspergers? You remember me telling about the BDD? Now, there's more to this story which makes it even more cruel and monstrous, which I'm not going to tell anyone, but believe me...

And whom am I going to talk about this?
I bet he won't read my mails or take my calls, I wouldn't be surprised to find that he has changed his email address and phone number too :-D No-one else is involved.
I can't be talking with my family, because... well... having a crush on a guy not my husband makes me an adulterer in my mind.
I talked with my husband. He doesn't consider me an adulteress, because I did nothing. I told him that I have a crush on him and I don't want to have it, because I needed him as what he was, and I love my husband and want to stay happily married to him... well... two out of three ain't bad, huh?

I have been crying so my face is swollen, no dark batches under eyes...

Well...

it seems to me that I need to turn this into my Scarlet Letter

Not a good day

2012-02-16T08:25:00.000-08:00

Today I feel very... inadequate. I'm too fat, and not fat in a nice way. I'm not pretty, I'm not nice, I'm not mature and wise and motherly and feminine and lovely. Today I feel like a dumb brat, fat and... Not ugly, precisely, but... not dazzlingly beautiful either.

I hate this emotional dance I'm having.

I'm married to guy #1. He's wonderful, I love him, he makes me smile, he turns me into a soft, warm puddle of sweet love... I'm happy being married to him, I'm proud of him, I'm not going to leave him, ever.
But - I'm in love with guy #2 - and he doesn't seem to see me as a woman. He shouldn't either, because he's sort of married too, and seems to be quite ok with that and his commonlaw wife, and that's perfect, fine, as it should be, and all that.
But... I WANT him to find me absolutely adorable, beautiful, irresistible, sexy, lovely, feminine, delightful, amazing... and I'm pretty sure he doesn't.
I wouldn't. I think I'm big and clumsy and ugly and childish and too much in wrong places, and too little in the right ones. Timid and boorish, and boisterous and full of myself at the same time. Ugh.

There was a woman in the "office" today, and he greeted her and sounded sincerely happy to see her... I don't think he sounds like that when he talks with me. And it hurts.
I want him to miss me when I'm gone, and I don't see that happening.
I want him to think of me when it snows, and I don't see that happening.
What I see happening is that within a year he has forgotten my name, and he doesn't even think of me... nothing will ever remind him of me, I will vanish in the history as "Who? Oh... No, can't remember. It wasn't Daisy, was it? No... What ever." Just another user.
Nothing in me is especially unforgettable.

Oukkidoukki

2012-02-01T13:54:00.000-08:00

Now I have made four things I've pinned: Bear Paw cookies, Stained glass cookies and Sweetheart sugar cookies; for Imbolc tomorrow. I also needed to make hard sugar candy for stained glass cookies, because we didn't have any. I burned the first batch, and my finger, but the second turned out fine. I'll decorate the cookies tomorrow, so no photos yet. :-) (And tomorrow I'll also add the sanding sugar to the list :-))

I had the most wonderful dream...

2012-01-30T10:03:00.000-08:00

Somehow I was 12 again... but I remembered my life as it had turned out, now, the real life as 42... and I started doing things with that in mind. I had been given a new chance and this time I was not going to make the same mistakes...

I know

"...you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with – and usually have similar wealth, health and attitude. So are you hanging out with whiners who just complain about the status quo or people who actively try to live life in a positive way and do things to get them closer to their dreams?
-- Decide to "move" on 2012

and

"...in this information age when messages, images, and information are coming at us almost faster than we can receive them, our brains are creating new neural pathways to accommodate the input. The first time we see an image on a screen... ...our brain creates a new neural pathway to process that image... ...Input always travels the path of least resistance. So the second time we see the new image, it will travel the same route. And before long, the new neural pathway has been stimulated enough to “desire” of itself continued activation. A habit is born. After that, when the brain is not currently occupied, we long for that image... ...Without realizing it, we have begun to crave these places of input, hunger for them, to the point where they can surreptitiously dominate our time... ...Recent studies have also shown that when our minds are over-stimulated, we begin to make decisions without considering the consequences."
- The Battle in our brains

That really means that "company makes you alike it" - so choose your company very wisely.

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
-- Oscar Wilde

It's not too late... NOW is the time I decide where I want to be when I'm 72. I hope I can be that 12-years-old today...

365 Pinterest Challenge

2012-01-26T14:22:00.000-08:00

Oh, I love challenges. I never finish them, because I'm a master procrastinator, so I'll do something about the challenge tomorrow... You know how it is :-D

Nevertheless, there's this site, Pinterest... (if you wish to be invited, just leave me your email addy in comments - and don't write it the name@whatever.com form, because that's a foolproof way to get your address copied by spam sites, but write at instead of @ and dot instead of . - name at whatever dot com. BTW, I will delete the comment after I have sent you the invitation, so that your email addy will not stay online.)

Anyway, Pinterest... There are tons of wonderful, inspiring things there, and everyone just keeps pinning and does nothing about the pinned things. Oh, Aspie heaven! And people are tired of not doing anything, so they create challenges, and one of these challenges is 365 days of Pinterest. That is, to do one pinned thing every day during the year.

So - it's January 26th and I need to do like 30 things this weekend to keep up with the others making 2012 the 365 Pinterest year :-D

I'm so JEALOUS!!!

2012-01-26T02:28:00.000-08:00

I hate her!

There's this celebrity, who's famous just because she has a famous daddy. Well... she has about the same taste in things I do, thinks she can craft (not really) and because she acts as if, and because she's famous, she gets all these opportunities *I* will not get. No-one will publish my craft book. No-one would buy it. I won't ever get rich, have all these opportunities she has, I won't be able to make "it" happen, because I don't have the money or connections this B* has. And now she's even a mother. That too...

Now I wish I could use my jealousy, hatred, aversions, feeling of unfairness, to inspire me into "anything you can do I can do better" and without any help from famous parents, celebrity or such.

Give up this...

2012-01-24T08:03:00.000-08:00

And give up just half an hour a day and go out and walk. Exercise. Do something.
Give up fifteen minutes at internet, pinning things at pinterest, and actually do some of the fitness things you pinned.
Give up soda, refined carbs and brown things, and replace them with fresh fruits, veggies, lovely salads with flavor and all the colors of the rainbow...
Give some crunches as you watch your favorite tv shows.
Give some of your lunch hour and take a walk.

P.S. I was listening to Bryan Adams' (Everything I do) I do it for you... and I always think of my husband - usually. Not this time. I don't do everything I do for him. I do it... for me... and suddenly I realized how much I truly love myself... and nothing else matters anymore... Such a weird feeling.

Look into my eyes, you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart, search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

Look into your heart, you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

Yeah, I would fight for you, I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you, yeah I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do, oh, I do it for you

I have been walking...

2012-01-20T02:54:00.000-08:00

I have been taking at least 3 5km walks in a week since November. I would say I have walked at least every other day, because I try to do it every day. It wasn't easy during Yule, though.
It doesn't show anywhere. I'm getting p'd off. (Well, it shows. I'm a bit tighter, have a better posture and clothes sit a bit better. But I haven't lost a size or so, so - a bit. *sigh*)
I want to lose weight. I want to get at least under 80 again.

25 ways to burn 500 calories is not 25 ways to burn 500 calories. Good advice, though.

It's like this list of "healthy snacks". I hate it when people don't seem to understand that "healthy" and "healthier" are not synonyms.

Or "android" body type... This is so me.

Except I won't get a booty like that "normal" girl, ever.

I also hate it when people automatically assume that my body type must be "endomorph", because I'm fat. I'm mesomorph, have always been and will always be. I don't have narrow shoulders and short limbs, on the contrary. I have never been pear-shaped. Not even now when I'm fat. I don't have hourglass figure. I'm V-shaped. You know, valkyrias. Big breast, wide chest and shoulders, wide back, and I get heavier of upper body.

Well... today my BMI is 37.2 and my estimated body fat percentage is 43%.
Interestingly that's 8% less than half a year ago... BMI is about the same. Weird. So - I'm getting muscles. Muscles burn more calories, so... I'll just wait and the BMI will start going down too.

I hate Wordpress

2012-01-13T04:45:00.000-08:00

I have a wordpress blog, The One and Only. It doesn't work the way I want a blog to work. I like Blogger.

Anyway, there's the Day Zero Project
There's 50 before 50
and there's SYED - scare yourself every day.

On first day of the year of living dangerously, Greg went to a party where he knew practically no-one.

Yeah, that would be scary. I'm not invited to parties anymore... we never go, anyway.
But... perhaps it's time to visit Forodrim again.
And start singing in the choir. Scary thing to do: contact the choir leader and go to the first meeting. Singing - not scary at all.

Day 2 - spring cleaning... Life laundry.

Yes, that's scary. But I know someone who's even more scared by the thought than I am... my husband.
I know I really need to clean our apartment. It's messy and dirty and takes a damn lot of energy just to live in... it makes me tired and unhappy just by existing.

Day 3 - work presentation... I don't have a job. But I'm supposed to keep a lecture on my life before and after Aspergers diagnosis. I'm okay with that. The only problem is that it's taking for ever.

Day 4 - getting more social at yoga class...
I want to start with yoga class. That would be a really scary thing to do... I wonder if they have beginner classes in yoga in Södertälje... They have parkour for 40+ people... in Stockholm. It costs a bit too much for me though.

Day 5 - admitting defeat

No problems with that. Not giving up, now that's another story.

Day 6 - talking to someone new

Yeah, scary. Plan on doing this next week, when I go back to the choir.

Day 7 - going out with myself

Yeah, scary. I need to go to movies with myself, I need to go to a restaurant with myself, and I need to go to a café with myself.

Okay... so this is what I'll do.

THIS is what a 100 kg woman looks like!

2012-01-10T23:12:00.000-08:00

My BMI is 37.

I do feel I look like the second woman from right.

The problem here is that BMI doesn't take into consideration your muscle weight, and muscles do weight more than fat...

Photographic height/weight chart
I think that is great. Much better than those computer generated graphics made by... don't know who. Like this "my virtual model"... the thin girl's breasts are bigger and arms longer than the thick girl's...

Oh, dear.... II

2012-01-10T18:04:00.001-08:00

Well... my "fitness number" is damn bad... 25. It took me 15 minutes to walk 1,5 km as fast as I could! FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!
That's about the distance I walked every day since I was 7 to buss stop and back again, to get to school, and it took me about 10 minutes then, and I didn't even walk fast...
When we moved to Sodertalje, it took me half an hour to walk from Sodertalje to our home, 3 km. I KNEW I'm in bad shape, but... 25... that's so bad!

"fitness number" is how much oxygen my body is able to uptake (mL/kg/minutes)
Now, one cannot be quite precise without a proper test, but this is based on how long it takes to walk a certain distance. And to think that my "fitness number" was over 60 when I was 16... :´(
How bad I have been to myself! Shame on me!

Just because of this I want to do this again tomorrow and see if I can do better... I'll be damned if I'm going to allow this. :-D

Oh, dear...

2012-01-10T11:01:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm horribly jealous to all who have children... That little sweet thing there is me, at the age of 2 or something like that. I was born 1969 and the date behind the photo is 1971.

I'm violently jealous. I want to go and kill all the children in the world, because I have none. No-one else should have children either.

What have I done to not deserve children? I would have been a good mom. The world is full of people who are horrible moms and dads and they have children. People abuse, rape, kill and maim children all over the world all the time... I wouldn't have done that. I would have been a good mom, and given my children everything they need, and a lot of what they want...

But - no kids. So f-ing unfair.

And that cannot be explained by the fact that I have Asperger's. That I didn't have a boyfriend was because of AS, but children... I was 26 when I started being with my current husband, and that would have been quite ok age to have children. Now I'm 42.

P.S. I just found out that the fertility clinic committed a medical error. They refused to treat me even though they didn't have any legal reason to do so... At that time - 10 years ago - my husband and I fulfilled every necessary condition. They should have given me treatment, and... Even though chances for pregnancy are only about 1/3, I would have had three chances, and by that time the chances grow - it's 3/4 chances to get pregnant by three treatments.
They stole my baby. Now it's too late.

Where and what do I want to be when 2013 arrives?

2012-01-08T02:51:00.000-08:00

Oh, dear... I don't know. I have all these dreams and fantasies and plans, but that's all they are. I never DO anything to make them come true...

I hate the way I look, but I don't do much to change it. I keep saying I can change it, but as I haven't changed it, how do I know I can? I wish something could make me angry enough to actually prove that I can, and change the way I look and stop hating the way I look.

I would want to be able to make pictures like the artists I admire, and I would say I have the necessary talents... Again, I do nothing to change this fact. I'm just sitting on my --- and whining about not being good enough.

I'm sure I could write books better than many others, and good enough, but I don't write. I would love BEING a writer, but writing...? Obviously not enough, because I don't write.

I know I'm a coloratura contralto (G3-G5), and would probably get higher if I practiced, but I don't practice. And I'm angry with me for that too.

I know I can play several instruments, and... yeah... If I only practiced.

I could do anything, if I only practiced.

It has been a lot of weight loss,

2012-01-06T10:45:00.000-08:00

but not actual weight loss. Funny how things work.

I was asked where I see myself in a year.
I see myself right here. Nothing has changed. Nothing changed, ever, in my past, why would it change in the future? I will probably weigh more, know less, be more disappointed and tired and angry and sad with myself, because I still live on what was and what could be, in stead of what is and what will be... I live very much in fantasies, where I am oh-so-all-kinds-of-things. But I still think all the time "tomorrow, tomorrow, there'll always tomorrow..." Mañana. Morgen, morgen, nur nicht heute... Not today. Tomorrow. I'll do it all tomorrow. I'll start the diet tomorrow. I'll stretch tomorrow. I'll practice and study and do the homework and so on, tomorrow. Always tomorrow.
I have a lecture to write. I'll do that tomorrow.
I have a painting to finish. I'll do that tomorrow too.
I need to write. Tomorrow.
I need to... do hundreds of things, that won't take long, so I don't need to do it now, I'll do it tomorrow.

But the thing is... tomorrow never comes. It's always today. And one of these todays it'll be too late.
On the other hand, then it doesn't matter anymore :-D
Until then, it does matter.

I don't want to be disappointed, angry, sad and tired with myself.

New Year...

2012-01-04T03:21:00.002-08:00

12 months of possibilities and promises... but what? What promises?
I could do anything if I only knew what it was...

Anyway, I am having problems... I feel I'm being challenged, and I like it... but I don't think I'm going to win this war.

And I don't know if I want to either... but... oh, he's pushing all my buttons.

This is the Year of the Eagle for me...

Eagle is the symbol of flying higher, fearless and clear vision and leadership.

"Here are a few attributes and keywords associated with Eagle Medicine:

    Opportunity
    Protection
    Guardianship
    Masculinity (warrior and hunter energy; energy, vitality, courage, bravery, fearlessness)
    Dominance
    Control
    Freedom
    Community
    Command
    Action
    Authority
    Skill
    Focus
    Determination
    Vision
    Power
    Liberation
    Inspiration
    Ruler
    Judgment"

"Eagle's medicine includes swiftness, strength, courage, wisdom, keen sight, illumination of Spirit, healing, creation, knowledge of magic, ability to see hidden spiritual truths, rising above the material to see the spiritual, ability to see the overall pattern/big picture, connection to spirit guides and teachers and higher truths, great power and balance, dignity with grace, intuitive and creative spirit, respect for the boundaries of the regions, grace achieved through knowledge and hard work."

"If Eagle is your power animal, you feel the need to have an involvement with creation, a willingness to experience extremes, a willingness to use your abilities, a willingness to seek out your true emotions. You must become much more than you ever imagined would be possible."

Oh, yeah... I want that.

BTW, I don't have an official diagnosis of having BDD, because I am okay with being ugly, and I believe to be generally ugly and don't try to change the fact... but I think I have it anyway, because this is how I see me:

And this is a photo of me:

I don't see much difference, but people tell me there is... and I do think about it, and it does effect me. I do wish I was pretty, like my sister. I avoid mirrors, I don't usually even care about how I look, because - you can paint crap, but it's still crap, besides, I look even worse with makeup. :-D I am ugly, and I have accepted it as a fact. Some people need to be ugly, so that pretty people look prettier.
I know that I have said often in this blog that I look pretty good and all that, but it's mostly just positive affirmation... if I repeat it often enough, I might start to believe in it. Today I don't believe it for five cents.
My husband thinks I'm pretty, but he would now. He's a man. All sane men think their wife/girlfriend is the prettiest girl in the world, and what's lacking in the physical is more than enough outweighed by her other qualities. When my husband got the question "why her?" he didn't say it was because I was pretty, but because I'm kind and intelligent... rather describing, I think. And, yeah, I'm brilliant, open, kind, friendly, talented, refreshingly innocent, real and different... but not pretty. I suppose one day I will be able to truly accept it, but right now thinking about it makes me cry. I don't want to look at photos of me, and there really is rather few of them.

I'm obsessing...

2011-12-15T15:19:00.000-08:00

One of my biggest problems is that I rather live in my fantasies than in reality. No need to deal with the nasty and complicated human relationships stuff. In real life someone always gets hurt, misunderstands, expects too much or different things, isn't ready to go along, have their own ideas, thoughts, wants, wishes, desires, needs... messy stuff.

So, in my real life I'm married to this lovely guy. Well, being a human being, he has his vices, weaknesses, problems and what-nots, but I'm okay with them. I'm not perfect either, and if he can live with my problems, the least I can do is to live with his, neh? Nevertheless, it's life, so it's not perfect and it's not pretty and it's not a fantasy where you are in control of everything that happens.

So - in my fantasies... I don't fantasize about my husband. He's part of my life, and as I have no wish to change that, I don't do that in my fantasies either, just as little as I change my parents or siblings or me... (Funny, actually... I suppose that means I'm pretty okay with who and what I am. I have never fantasized about being black, having blue eyes, looking different from what I do - it's all about things I could change if I worked a little, like being slender, fit and agile. I like that.) But I fantasize about a world different from the one I live in now, so I'm married to someone else. The idea of this "someone else" is based on a real life person. So far so good. Nothing wrong with any of this.

But - the problem arises, when I confuse the fantasy man with the real life person. And I do... so I'm at the verge of stalking some innocent, unsuspecting man out there because I happen to like him... or the little I know about him. Simply because "he" "told" me "he" is obsessed of me... (in the fantasy, that is. Not in the real life.)

And at the same time, not really. I wouldn't know what to do if the object of my fantasies actually appeared by my door and told me that he can't stop thinking about me and the smell of my hair (how he would know anything about that is beyond me, but - what ever.) or something, and that he just must have me or he'll die. I would probably glare at him and close the door to his face. Poor guy.

But... what if I was not married? I have been googling the objects of my fantasies, I have been violently jealous to their current girlfriend, spouse, SO, considering witchcraft, looking up their address and phone number... what would it take to take the next step and really become a female stalker?

Uh. Thank God I'm married! :-D

Someone said:
"This person represents to me the Unclaimed parts of myself that are deeply soulful, musical, whimsical, romantic. What I feel for him is just a PROJECTION of what my soul is telling me I really need for myself. So I will develop that part of myself, that this person has brought to my attention (that which I need to develop in MY OWN LIFE) and not have it met by someone, who would not be good for me in the long run. So I see him as somewhat of a Messenger... a message from the soul that there are parts of me yet unfulfilled that I need to do for myself. So I can thank him (and the Universe) for this valuable message."

So - what is that I need for myself? What is the projection?

My husband has ADHD and Aspergers. I love him being "deeply soulful, musical, whimsical, romantic", I love his intelligence, inspirational, innovative mind... I love his sanguine, vibrant boyishness. We have so much fun together. And he's loving and affectionate, and I love that. He does me small services, takes so well care of me when I need help, is compassionate and caring... I fell in love with my husband because he reminds me so much of my father, but... I am not blind to my dad's faults, and unfortunately my husbands shares them too. One thing I don't have much in my life is stability.
The other guy is steady, calm and kind... I feel the urge to just cling to him and suck the stability through all the pores of my skin... enjoy it as if it was sunlight.

I don't want to be responsible of putting in some stability to my life... I want someone else to do it. To know that I made the choice when I chose my husband makes me desperate... and I look at this other guy and wish someone had asked me to really think about all things like that, that someone had discussed with me about psychological patterns and how we choose to continue the dance we are familiar with even though it might not be good for us, and that I can choose something else, and I should really be experimenting more and not just follow my heart which is really a fickle thing... and I start thinking arranged marriages are really not a bad idea.

At the same time, this is just a marriage. I can divorce my husband. I can "get out" of this situation. I can go and start looking for a guy who is like this other guy... So what's stopping me?

Complex issue.
a) I'm used to this, and I don't like changes
b) I'm afraid that life wouldn't work as easily as it does in my fantasies - what says I'll ever find a rock of a guy who'll want me?
c) my husband is a good guy who has never done anything do deserve to be left just because he cannot fulfill all my needs. No-one could.
d) my sense of duty is really strong. I promised in front of God to love and honor my husband and stay with him till God us apart, and damn me if I'll ever going to break that promise.
e) the most important reason is that I love my husband and he loves me. Thinking of him still makes me smile sheepishly, I'm still proud of saying I'm his wife, and presenting him as my husband... I still run to him, think of him when ever something romantic happens, it's him I think first when I need to tell something to someone... He's my best friend and absolutely amazing... I could sing his praises to kingdom come... I would be idiot and insane to leave him, and I'm neither :-D

But, ah, the stability...

The effects of pain...

2011-12-12T20:05:00.000-08:00

Now, I have fibromyalgia. It means that I'm in pain almost constantly, and some times more than others. Now is "more than" time.

I have been saying that this is "just pain", just my brain misinterpreting the signals, not a sign of that I'm losing the ability to use my hands or so. So, basically nothing to bother about.
Then I remembered the "side effects" of pain...

- I can't function when in pain. This will cause all kinds of things, like stress for work undone, feeling of being worthless, useless, a burden, feelings of jealousy and envy towards people who still can function "normally", anger, helplessness, loss of control, the feeling of being vulnerable and exposed... and this will cause enorm stress on relationships. People can feel distance from their friends, loved ones and relatives, deliberately isolate themselves, become hostile. Also, the balance changes. I am forced to take, accept, receive more than I can give, I'm forced into a dept of gratitude with no means to pay it back.

- of course pain will make me tired, AND it will make it harder for me to sleep... so I will be suffering from all the effects of sleep deprivation

"This chronic sleep deprivation results in daytime sleepiness, slow reflexes, poor concentration, and an increased risk of accidents. Sleep apnea can also lead to serious health problems over time, including diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, and weight gain."

"...depression, irritability, sexual dysfunction and learning and memory problems..."

"...worsening of ADHD or symptoms similar to ADHD; hypertension"
(ADHD is a problem with inattentiveness, over-activity, impulsivity, or a combination.)

- pain makes me tense - and having tense neck and shoulders give me headache... which makes me tense more.

- pain CAUSES anxiety/panic disorders and depression/affective disorders, which cause more pain... an evil circle...

- people with pain try to self-medicate - I use sugar and comfort food - so I get fatter the more pain I have, and I have more pain the fatter I am...

-also, people with pain gain weight because they are unable to adapt their lifestyle to the new existence with pain - they eat what they are used to eat but exercise less.

- "Conversion disorders"

Conversion disorder (formerly known as "hysteria") is a condition in which patients present with neurological symptoms such as numbness, blindness, paralysis, or fits without a neurological cause. The term "conversion" has its origins in Freud's doctrine that anxiety is "converted" into physical symptoms.

(Women considered to be suffering from hysteria exhibited a wide array of symptoms including faintness, nervousness, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and "a tendency to cause trouble")

- Somatization is currently defined as "a tendency to experience and communicate somatic distress in response to psychosocial stress and to seek medical help for it".

- schizophrenic / bipolar / DID behavior

Schizophrenia is a complex mental disorder that makes it difficult to:
- Tell the difference between real and unreal experiences
- Think logically
- Have normal emotional responses,
- Behave normally in social situations

Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood and depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very quick.

The manic phase may last from days to months. It can include the following symptoms:
- Easily distracted
- Little need for sleep
- Poor judgment
- Poor temper control
- Reckless behavior and lack of self control (Binge eating, drinking, and/or drug use; Poor judgment; Sex with many partners (promiscuity); Spending sprees)
- Very elevated mood (Excess activity (hyperactivity); Increased energy; Racing thoughts; Talking a lot; Very high self-esteem (false beliefs about self or abilities); Very involved in activities; Very upset (agitated or irritated))

The depressed phase includes the following symptoms:
- Daily low mood or sadness
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- Eating problems (Loss of appetite and weight loss; Overeating and weight gain)
- Fatigue or lack of energy
- Feeling worthless, hopeless, or guilty
- Loss of pleasure in activities once enjoyed
- Loss of self-esteem
- Thoughts of death and suicide
- Trouble getting to sleep or sleeping too much
- Pulling away from friends or activities that were once enjoyed

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) (multiple personality disorder) describes a condition in which a person displays multiple distinct identities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment.

Symptoms can include:
- Multiple mannerisms, attitudes and beliefs which are not similar to each other
- Unexplainable headaches and other body pains
- Distortion or loss of subjective time ( a long time)
- Depersonalization (a feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation.)
- Derealization (an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one's environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional coloring and depth.)
- Severe memory loss
- Depression
- Flashbacks of abuse/trauma
- Sudden anger without a justified cause
- Frequent panic/anxiety attacks
- Unexplainable phobias

Patients may experience an extremely broad array of other symptoms such as pseudoseizures that may appear to resemble epilepsy, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders, mood disorders, post traumatic stress disorder, personality disorders, and eating disorders.

- sexual dysfunctions and problems... not only because of the pain itself, bad self-confidence and social problems. No-one told me "that vulvar vestibulitis/vulvodynia is clearly associated with fibromyalgia".

- changes in personality, mood, appearance, self-image and -worth
- pain haze - "zombie shut down mode" - all the functions except the basic survival ones are shut down.
- one becomes more aggressive, irritable, impatient, hostile
- one becomes uninterested, unable to focus on anything but pain, sad, hopeless, apathic, unable to enjoy of anything, or find anything beautiful or fun, one becomes fearful and suspicious, even paranoid; introverted, isolated
- one becomes tense, stressed, worried
- one is not only defined by what one thinks of oneself, but what others think of one... so when I'm getting irritable, depressed and tired of pain, people start avoiding me because I'm irritable, depressed and tired, not fun to be with, and then I start defining me as irritable, depressed and tired, and focus on being all that...

"The researchers found that there was a decrease in gray matter volume in the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala, and the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) of fibromyalgia patients."

The prefrontal cortex ... has been implicated in planning complex cognitive behaviors, personality expression, decision making and moderating correct social behavior. The basic activity of this brain region is considered to be orchestration of thoughts and actions in accordance with internal goals. The most typical psychological term for functions carried out by the prefrontal cortex area is executive function. Executive function relates to abilities to differentiate among conflicting thoughts, determine good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions, and social "control" (the ability to suppress urges that, if not suppressed, could lead to socially unacceptable outcomes).

The amygdalae ... perform a primary role in the processing and memory of emotional reactions...

The anterior cingulate cortex... ...appears to play a role in a wide variety of autonomic functions, such as regulating blood pressure and heart rate, as well as rational cognitive functions, such as reward anticipation, decision-making, empathy and emotion.

- pain makes you more sensitive to pain, not the other way around: the more pain you experience, the more pain you will experience...

Hmm...

I recognize myself in much of what Nikki Albert says in "Chronic Pain: Personality".

I'm finding it very hard to cope with having fibromyalgia, even though it becomes more and more obvious that I have it. (Yes, even after the diagnosis by an expert I have my doubts... I suppose I don't want it. I want to think it's all in my head, just a fragment of my imagination, just hypochondriac attention seeking or something. Not real.)

The question is...

2011-09-18T14:45:00.000-07:00

WHY do I want to be skinny?
I want to be beautiful, and I have got the idea that one can be beautiful only when one is skinny... But then I read Dances with fat, and Fat Heffalump and The Fat Chick... and I'm getting suspicious... perhaps that's not true...

I have pain, not because I'm fat, but because I have been bullied and stressed my whole life, because I have Asperger's. I'd still have Asperger's and Fibromyalgia, even if I was skinny.
My sleep apnea will be taken care of by the sleeping mask.
If I'd take care of my asthma, with the medicine I have, that wouldn't be bothering me much either...
I can get fit and agile even being fat. So... I think it might be better to start looking at this matter from the opposite point of view... what is it, exactly I want to do, and then do it... If I lose weight in the process, fine, but if I don't, that's fine too. I'm beautiful as I am.

I really want to be skinny...

2011-09-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

or do I? Wouldn't I be, if I really wanted to?

Now, Kate Moss is credited for saying "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"...
Now... how would she know? She's a super model. She has been that her whole adult life. She started as a teenager. She was grown up in supermodel world, where nothing mattered but skinny, and not-skinny was the worst thing you could be... I mean... they have kicked girls out from the business for developing breasts and booty! (Yes, Tyra Banks. In fact EVERY WOMAN IN VICTORIA'S SECRET SHOW IS TOO "FAT" TO BE A MODEL...)
Then - I'm sorry, but she was a drug addict when she said that. Someone said "nothing tastes good with cocaine".She has also been a smoker for quite a long time. Nothing does taste good with tobacco.
She says she prefers Japanese cuisine and tries to eat organic... and a couple of years ago there was even talk of her writing a cookbook. (Yeah - the whole world laughed at that.)

Also... Now I cannot say if anything tastes as good as skinny feels like, because I can't remember what it feels like to be skinny. I do know someone who does... Sophie Dahl. She has been skinny. She has been fat. (Well... not really.) And she loves food.

But - I have to say that I find that inspiring. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". I would like to know for myself. But...

And you can wonder if those 8 do either...

Why would I need to be something I cannot be?

I love you, Jo, for saying that.

And wasn't she beautiful? One of the most beautiful women in the existence of this planet. And she was not skinny... not fat either, but not skinny.

10 little things to do

2011-09-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

10 things to do everyday to stay organized

It works with everything here in life, as well with losing weight as embracing your talents and gaining other goals in life.

1) Write a list about everything you need to do. Put it on the list and then forget it. When you get time, do the things on the list. That will firstly release your mind to mind about other things, and secondly, make the things manageable, and it will also make you see what you have done. You really should focus on what you do and have already done, not what you SHOULD do.

Try to find time to do at least one thing on the list every day.

2) have a calendar, one spot where you note all the dates and such; not only doctor's appointments, but such things as holidays and birthdays. If you have marked at least a week ahead that someone's having a birthday, you'll remember to send the card and be happier about it - if that's important to you. It is important to me.

Write down also such things as time to return the library books, if you need to bake something for a certain date/event - write also down, that you need to go and buy all the ingredients and all that.

3) It is important to decide at least a day ahead what you are going to eat the next day, for a couple of reasons.
- you won't overeat and follow your impulses, which means you'll get a better control of your eating and weight
- as you prepare for the meals beforehand, you'll be able to control your shopping, and thus your economy better, you will be prepared with all the ingredients and such
- you could make your own "frozen dinners" and such, so when you don't feel like cooking, you can go and check the freezer.
- you won't waste time and energy in thinking about what you'd eat, what to buy, what you need etc. You already thought it out.

So - what is needed of you is that a) you do this and b) you stick to it. If you get cravings, write it on a list. You are going to have to deal with an inner child and an inner teenager. The way to deal with them is the way you'd deal with real kids. Give them a vote, give them a day when they may eat anything they want.

4) Also a good advice - if your home is untidy, it's because the things are in wrong places. Keep putting them back in right places, and it won't be untidy :-D

5) - and what if you don't have kids?

6-7) declutter... Uh. Use it or lose it.

Adding five things in the box EVERY DAY means you'll have no things. Now, it might be what the declutterer dictators want, but is it what you want? Most people have things because they need them and because they mean something to them. It is not a bad thing to have beautiful things around you. Sure, it makes it harder to keep clean, but - that's the price to pay for pretty things.
Of course I would be a rich woman if I had no things, because I would have been able to save several thousand cronas every month. I would be able to do all kinds of things with that money. Travel, experience, learn. But... I do appreciate the things more than the experiences and knowledge and such... otherwise I wouldn't have bought them. I like traveling in my imagination, safe in my home, filled with stuff. When I'm starting to appreciate the "inner riches" more than the "outer riches", I'll start decluttering and saving and experiencing. Before that it's futile to shame me to declutter.

8) Yes, a box for things to be recycled, donated, returned and things a friend might appreciate. Have a box for gifts and such too. Mathoms, as Tolkien called them. ;-)

9. 10 minute tidy before bed, 10 minute tidy after breakfast. It will make a whole lot of a difference.

10) Attitude check is always in place :-) Be good to yourself and remember to do only things YOU want done, for YOU.

52 weeks organizing

2011-09-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

At Organizing Junkie there's a 52 weeks organizing event going on.

Now... I don't mind organizing, per se, but the idea of that you MUST organize, clean, keep it tidy, declutter and simplify your life and get rid of all your stuff because of this and that... and I don't want to get rid of my stuff. I like living in a library. I like having all kinds of pretty, fascinating and exotic things around me. I love my cozy, shabby, ecclectic and bohemian home. Cozy, shabby, ecclectic and bohemian homes are not decluttered, minimalistic and tidy. They are messy, shabby and cluttered.

Yes, it's not easy to clean that, and it's not easy to find anything there, unless it's your pile of stuff. Then you know exactly where everything is.

But - I have to say I prefer clean kitchen. I prefer clean home. I prefer my lovely china clean. So - I suppose SOME organizing and cleaning isn't a bad thing ;-)

I also like the advice given at "where to start when you're totally disorganized". I'm not totally disorganized, I just need to learn to clean. But the advice works there too :-D

Happiness

2011-09-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

You HAVE 4 minutes! Up and go! NOW!

2011-08-31T11:55:00.000-07:00

Rest later.

DO THIS NOW!

You don't know what these things are? Okay:

squat thrust
mountain climbers
high knees
jumping jacks

Four exercises. Not rocket science. Now you know them. GO!

I deserve better

2011-08-22T22:54:00.000-07:00

I read a blog entry by a woman trying to lose some weight. She's 71 kilos right now. What would I not give to be that slim again?

When I broke the 90 kilos line, I was shocked. I cried, I swore I'll never weigh that much again, I'll take off the pounds and weigh under 90 again, even if it killed me.
Then I broke the 100 kilos line... I was shocked. I cried. I swore, I made promises, I took long walks and ate nothing for a couple of days.
Then I broke the 105 kilos line. The same thing happened.
Now I'm 108.

The best way to lose weight has been so far not losing weight but changing lifestyle. When you live like a skinny person, you are a skinny person. To me it's not eating white flour or sugar, and not adding any fat to my food. Fried food is okay, sandwiches not. My worst desire is bread and pasta, and that is something I shouldn't be eating. At least, not that often.
Also, I need to walk a lot daily. I like walking, in the beautiful nature around us. I like exercise and activity. I like sports. Nevertheless, when it comes to choosing, I choose to sit by the computer or television and do "nothing"... I choose to write, I choose to read, I choose to craft...

So - what would I not give to be that slim again? I would not give up baked sugary goods, pasta, bread and butter... I would not give up one hour from my sitting time. I would not bother to shop and prepare for a good meals... That's it. It's not "sacrifice your firstborn" or "cut off your left arm" kind of things we fat people are being asked to stop being fat and start being slim. It's all very sensible and even enjoyable things! Exercvise releases "feel good" hormones. The nature is always beautiful. Always. How enjoyable it is to move, when you move with ease, and that means being fit, and that means, exercising... The more one moves, the easier it becomes to move. Wouldn't that be nice? And, actually, I would eat BETTER if I ate "the slim way". More veggies, less starch, more colors on the plate... I would eat less and my tummy would feel better.
Right now I'm sitting here with heartburn, because yesterday - yes, yesterday, some 10-12 hours ago, I ate a big bowl of pasta with a couple of heavily buttered slices of bread... So THIS feeling is something I'M NOT READY TO GIVE UP! I "deserve" to eat pasta and heavily buttered bread... I mean... Deserve? I deserve to be fat and have heartburn?
Ah... That's the point, isn't it... really.

I am ashamed to be this fat. I feel bad for myself, because I have to "give up" "the last" luxuries and enjoyable things, I have to "sacrifice" the sweets and other delicious things, I may not do this or eat that, I have to "torture" myself, I have to "deprive" myself, I have to whip myself and do things I don't want to do... I pity myself, and then I want to eat more comfort food. And then, as the weight goes up and not down, I'll be in shock and I'll cry and feel really, really bad about myself.

The truth is that I'm not ready to give up "anything" to weigh less than 80 kilos again. If I could give my soul or something else impossible - that is, nothing - I would. In a heartbeat. I want a miracle. I want to be able to eat as I do now, and do what I do right now, but be like a person who eats well and does a lot. For free. Anything else is "unfair"... ???

And as I am not ready to give up anything to weigh less than 80 kilos, I will not weigh less than 80 kilos.

I know this, I know all this so well... but for some reason, when one sits there and starts lusting for something good to eat, the choice isn't that obvious... "I've been so good the last days, I DESERVE!" "I need to REWAD myself for being such a good girl!"
The truth is that I DESERVE a body that works, does what I ask of it.
I DESERVE to sleep my nights well and wake up rested and happy. Right now I have sleep apnea.
I DESERVE to be as beautiful and slender and be able to wear pretty clothes that look good on me.
I DESERVE to be able to keep up with any group of people doing things, from clubbing to walking to sightseeing to anything.
I DESERVE to be able to breathe easily. Last night I couldn't breathe... I woke up, changed position, and still couldn't breathe. I was getting a bit panicky. Overweight is not good for your asthma...
I DESERVE to take dance classes and get active with all kinds of sports.
I DESERVE to start martial arts, parkour and rock climbing.
I DESERVE rewards that don't hurt me.
I DESERVE real friends, not imaginary friendship of inanimate objects like food.

I deserve to be loved, not hated - by myself.

About actor/singers

2011-08-16T01:43:00.000-07:00

This blog isn't all about losing weight. It's also about "becoming whole", and that is about embracing my unique combination of talents. I'm multitalented, renaissance woman, which I have expressed several times. Most people are, to my understanding. Especially artistic talents wander usually hand in hand. If you are good at one of the nine art forms, you are bound to be good at some other. Surprisingly many writers can draw to save their lives, and painters write interesting diaries, if nothing else. Actors are usually also good singers and dancers, and vice versa. Of course, there are actors who couldn't hold a tone to save their lives, and with two left feet, but quite a many can do all of this, and do it well.

I saw "Listed; 10 best and worst actors/singers" list on Star and I'm not happy. Of course, the list was four years old, and it was apparently people who voted online who "decided" who was good or bad, and I can imagine they had some sort of preliminary list there.

This list named Madonna as the worst, and Cher as the best.
Someone said Elvis was the first actor/singer... oh. Well, who cares about people like Judy Garland, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, Doris Day, Shirley MacLaine... no-one watches musicals anyway, and those people... no-one even knows who they are. At least, I suppose most of the people voting wouldn't have a clue.

I am not happy about the idea of people's subjective opinion judging people as "good" or "bad" at something, when you really cannot say if someone is a good or bad actor by one movie, and a lot of this is based on the general opinion and peer pressure, and not one's own genuine judgment on the person's ability.
Take Britney Spears, for example. A lot of people saying she can't act haven't even seen her movie, and a lot of the people who did see the movie, had already decided they wouldn't like her acting any way.
It's like with Cindy Crawford. I think she was okay in Fair Game, and the movie wasn't as bad as the critics claim. I truly think it's envy or something, people think Britney, Cindy, and other people like they, should stay in "her place" and not even try to become something else, or more, than we think she is.

Elvis was named among the 10 best singer/actors. I don't think Elvis could act very well. He sure could sing, but acting... What ever is the truth, I find his movies terribly boring, and haven't been able to watch many of them from beginning to end. At least I saw the Crossroads. :-D

I think Madonna does a great job in The Next Best Thing. I like the movie. Well... that too received a horrible critique and Madonna was nominated for Razzies for that performance.
Well... I must have a really bad taste in movies, because I think Godfather is one of the most boring, frustrating, stupid movies ever made. I fought my way through the trilogy as well. I basically only liked Robert de Niro's part.

Mariah Carey isn't a bad actress either. I suppose she needed to leave the image behind for people to be able to see her. >:->

It doesn't make Glitter a good movie, though. :-D

Also, I'm not sure I think Courtney Love can sing... but she was on the top 10 list, while Billy Bob Thornton, who isn't that bad a singer, was on the bottom 10 list. Might be that Courtney Love's music is better than Billy Bob's, but that doesn't say anything about their ability to sing. (I don't think either would have succeeded especially well in Idols or some other such show.)

So - some actor/singers

Whether they do a good job or not I leave to everyone's personal taste.

Will Smith

Aaliyah

Gwyneth Paltrow

Cher

Jennifer Lopez

Patrick Swayze

Robert Downey Jr.

Kevin Bacon

Jon Bon Jovi

Barbra Streisand

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jeff Bridges

Mark Wahlberg

(He was voted by the viewers in the top 10 singer/actors...

I don't know if he's deliberately singing badly or not in this, but it's awful.)

Billy Bob Thornton

Ice Cube

Jessica Simpson

Vanessa Williams

Britney Spears

I'm going to hop over people like
Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus, Vanessa Hudgens, Asley Tisdale, Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan etc.
Not because they don't matter, but because there are so many young, pretty, talented girls out there.

Mariah Carey

Hugh Jackman

Justin Timberlake

Bruce Willis

Jared Leto

Gary Sinise

Beyoncé

Glenn Close

John Travolta (with Miley Cyrus)

Christopher Lee

Richard Harris (the first Dumbledore)

Roger Daltrey

Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman

Anne Hathaway

Julie Andrews

And the list goes on and on and on...
Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon do a good job in Walk The Line
The cast of Chicago are okay - Renee Zellweger, Catherine Zeta Jones and Queen Latifah,
both in acting and singing.
Liza Minnelli comes to mind. She could also both sing and act, like her mother.
I love Marilyn Monroe's voice and singing style.
Both Kylie Minogue and Natalie Imbruglia started as actors in the Aussi soap Neighbors.
Or think about the Blues Brothers.

Didn't eat much yesterday

2011-08-15T01:13:00.000-07:00

I went for a looooong walk, didn't have the condition to take the "normal" 10K, just about 6K, I guess, and dang, I was tired afterwards. I had to force my feet forward.
I only drank some tea with milk and a couple of glasses koldskaal. I'm almost a pound lighter today. I think I'll follow this regime for a little, at least for as long as it "works".

I will also be taking vitamines, even though I know it's not necessarily healthy... I'm just so scared of all the possible deficiencies and effects... It really is sick. I'm afraid all the time!
If I don't eat, my body goes to "starve mode", which means I won't lose any weight, but if I eat ANYTHING, I will get even fatter really quickly. I suppose there is some body reactions, that make you lose weight slower if you are starving, for the survival, but - look at the people in concentration camps and Biafra, and all the other places, where they don't have any food. They do lose weight, and rather rapidly, even. Like, Cast-Away, or the woman who was lost in Gran Canyon for three weeks, ate nothing and lost like 20 kilos or something. Now, I will be drinking and exercising, which should make the muscle and water loss minute, and take the energy to support me from fat. I do hope it works that way.

Then I'm terrified by sacking skin. I try to do exercises for tummy, thighs and arms, but what if it doesn't work and I end up being a skeleton in skin sack? That's not pretty... I'm over 40. I can't count my skin will go back to what it was when I was 15. I cannot afford any cosmetic surgery... besides, what about the scars and risks of operation, and removing that much tissue and... The world is full of scary stories!

At the same time, I'm "hungry" all the time. Not hungry hungry, but I want to eat. I think about food all the time... About spaghetti and bread, freshly baked, steamy and you know the scent of freshly baked goods... A newly baked bun with crisp surface and soft, airy innards, steamy hot, with fresh, cool butter melting... mmmm... doughnuts... mmmm.... bacon pancakes with maple syrup, orange juice, good sausage and hashbrowns, latkes with apple sauce and sour cream, and perhaps a nice, fried piece of chicken to go with it... my mother's meatballs with mashed potatoes and gravy. Chips. French fries. Peanuts. Pearson's Salted Nut Rolls... I could eat those as many as there are. The taste sensation of sweet and salty and chewy and crisp and tender... Ow! Chinese. Chili and chili adobo... Ooh. Some Indian food. Meat with fruits. Perfectly cooked rice with spicy stew of some sort, rich, thick and tasty... I'd even eat hamburgers and pizza, even though those are not my idea of "the best a woman can get". I'd go crazy at a bakery. Croissants. Danish pastries. Finnish lihapasteija. Not lihapiirakka, which is another form of meat pastry in Finland. I want the one made of flaky puff pastry, not the one made with kind of sugarless doughnut pastry, even though those can be really good too. Or pärämäç! Ooh... Obviously my biggest problem is the love of fatty, starchy, salty things, with some flavor too.
Now I am hungry. I think I'll go and see if there's some koldskaal left in the fridge. :-)

The biggest problem isn't hunger, but the urge, desire, lust, want of food that's not good for me. I have the idea of that food is the only affordable luxury for me, I'm not fond of bathing and such. I also comfort eat, and when I'm trying to lose weight, I do feel sorry for myself, and the automatic reaction is to go to kitchen and bake me something to "make me feel better"... I have been doing that for some 30 years now, and I don't want to live with the consequences. I need to learn that food is not a buddy, a comfort nor luxury, but - food. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else. It's food, nutrition, thing invented to give me some energy, and if I eat more than I use, it get storaged for "a rainy day", so that I will survive when the starvation knocks on the door.

Oh, God, let me stay strong and not eat... but I don't want to get anorexia either. I want to have a healthy relationship to food, eat normally, healthy, balanced and well, but not too much. I want to be able to enjoy everything on the list above. The way it was meant to be enjoyed.

I'm rather desperate right now...

2011-08-14T00:08:00.000-07:00

After the holiday in Finland I weighed 3 kilos more than before. I tried to watch what I'm eating, but... everyone kept saying "it's holiday, you can watch your weight when you get home". The food was very good, and there were all the things I like to eat... I love Finnish pastries. I love Finnish yoghurt and ice cream. I love to bake, especially to an appreciative audience, so there was a lot of that too. We had a Western theme party, so I baked a couple of pies for dessert... there was blueberry pie, cherry pie, lemon meringue pie, pecan pie, custard pie, apple pie... I think that's it. But every pie was really good, and then there was a little of vanilla custard and ice cream to go with the pies. Before that there was some really good chili and barbecue, and... *sigh*
So, I ate, and ate, and ate. I didn't work as much as I usually do in Finland, so I gained weight.

No I'm home, and I'd need to work it out. I weigh 107 kilos. I don't want to eat anything ever again. I don't want to get heavier and heavier. But I know I will eat. If I don't, there will be people around me, telling me "the body goes to starving mode, which means you won't lose weight, and if you ever eat anything, it goes straight to fat reserves!!" I don't want that!

I have tried low carb diets, and even though they work, sort of, I'm not feeling well when I'm in it. I feel awful.
It was good to not eat sugar, white flour or added fat, but... I WEIGH OVER 100 KILOS, ALMOST 110! I'M JUST GETTING FATTER AND FATTER ALL THE TIME!
I felt good when I was eating nothing the whole week and what ever I wanted on one day too.

I don't want to be this heavy.

Acrobatic exercises

2011-08-03T02:05:00.000-07:00

I'm aching today. My feet decided to start acrobatic exercises while I was having a shower and it ended with me on my back in the bath tub with sprained fingers and legs. There's a bruise a foot long behind my right knee and my left hand is almost unusable. Nice. I just came home from two week's trip to Finland, and my husband (with ADHD and Asperger's) hadn't done any housework and the home looks like it too... I mean, I don't do much housework, but I at least do the dishes every now and then. But, I can write, so I will be planning my Yule presents and watching MBC :-D

I have been reading Aspects of Asperger's and Unclutterer, and I'm being a bit confused, mourning over all the misunderstandings, misfortunes and abuse I have had to experience due to undiagnosed Asperger's for forty years and all the lost chances, and trying to find ways to not repeat it all over the next 40 years :-)

Hi, I'm Ket and I'm a messie

2011-07-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

"Messies accumulate piles of papers and other objects in their homes, so that the space becomes nearly uninhabitable. This behaviour resembles addiction, and those affected often realize they are behaving irrationally. Objects are kept because they might come in handy some time, or because they are associated with memories which make it impossible to throw them away. Messies are often unable to allow visitors into their homes and as a result become increasingly isolated. Many messies hold on to the illusion of sorting through their piles and creating a well-organized archive."
- ican films: messies

I have problems with keeping my home clean. We have a lot of stuff, but not really places to storage it all.

I don't see myself as a hoarder - or collector - even though my home reminds of the homes presented in "Hoarders". There isn't that much of trash lying around, but there's stuff. I suppose a lot of people would classify some of the stuff as trash, even me, but it's hard to spot what is trash and what is not in the mess.
Yes, it's that messy.
You might say I collect books and "craft material" ("I can do something with this"), but I wouldn't call accumulating these things collecting. You collect things like butterflies or stamps, not "craft material". It's not hoarding either, because I wouldn't care if most of the books and the "craft material" was lost. Now, there are things with a high sentimental value to me. Books I know I want to read over and over... the mere idea of letting go of them gives me anxiety. I don't think that's what they mean with hoarding. (I suppose I AM a book hoarder... *blush*)

Frankly... I don't find this a picture of a cluttered room, but a very cosy and lovely room.

I wonder if it's the antique book shop in Paris, where people can sleep.

Are You A Clutterer Test

1. Do you feel overwhelmed when thinking about your clutter?
Yes

2. Have you tried to "clean up" or "organize" yourself repeatedly, with no lasting results?
Yes. It's like loosing weight. I'm yo-yo cleaning.

3. Are you ashamed to have anyone come to your home?
Oh, yes. Cleanliness is close to godliness, and untidy people are lazy. So my home is a proof of that I'm a bad person. Besides, people find messy homes nasty and don't want to come.

4. Do you feel more confused in your home than in the outside world?
No. I'm an Aspie. This is my mess, outside the home it's just as messy, but it's someone else's mess, and extremely much bigger problem, and totally unmanageable by one person. I might be able to keep my home clean, but not the world.

5. Do you find yourself buying more of everything because, "you never know when you will run out?"
Nah.

6. Do you have multiple copies of books, software, clothing or any other items because you couldn't find what you already owned when you needed it?
No. I'm poor. I can't afford not finding what I need.

7. Has your spouse or partner expressed dismay about the way you live?
Well... yes, but he's a messie too, and in my mind even worse than I am. He is a hoarder.

8. Do you flit from one task to another, feeling like you never get anything done?

Not really... I feel like Sisyphus. I get one corner cleaned and go to clean the next corner, and when that's done, the first corner is messy again. Or, it's the yo-yo cleaning. I clean and clean, and after a week it's clean and I'm dead tired, and after a couple of days it needs to be done again. The work never ends, and my home is never clean.

9. Do you find that you concentrate better in noisy situations?
I don't find much difference. I try not to multitask, but it's not easy.

10. Do you find yourself getting distracted easily?
Sometimes.

11. Do you feel like, "What's the use, it will just get messed up again," when you begin to declutter?
As said before. Yes.

12. Do you hold onto broken items because "they might come in handy someday," or "I'm going to fix them someday?"
Some. Also, "it's not that broken, I can still use it" or "I could make something of it".

13. Do you hold onto relationships that do not serve you because, "This is the best I can do?"
Not really.

14.
Do you feel like there will never be enough for you?
No.
Do you believe that you do not deserve any better than what you have?
Not really. Sometimes I think this is my destiny, that my things won't stay nice and whole and clean, that everything will be tainted somehow, because it's mine. I don't dare to get nice things, because they will be damaged anyway. Not because I'm not worth it, because I am, but because things tend to taint near me. It's better we have an armchair rescued from trashes than go and buy something expensive (yes, new armchairs from stores are expensive in our budget) just to see it get destroyed in a matter of months. Nothing lasts for years in this household, so it's no use spending money on good things.

15. Do you feel more "lack" than prosperity in your life?
I feel "I can't afford..." I consider myself quite rich in the life area... I'm loved, I'm relatively healthy, I'm talented and blessed... that there is not that much things and money and stuff isn't really important.

16. Do you find it hard to decide what is worth keeping and what is not?
Not really.

17. Do you obsess about saving food? Do you have enough canned goods to feed the neighborhood?
No.

18. Do you save garbage -- fast food boxes and wrappers, obvious trash, things that smell bad etc?
No.

Yes, I'm a clutterer.
I don't have ADHD, but my husband does.
I don't have OCD.
I'm not a hoarder.
I am also - actually - a pretty good organizer. I'm an Aspie. But I can't afford all the fancy organizing solutions. I wish I could, but I can't. An organizer would not be able to help me with the mess, unless she/he comes with the fancy organizing solutions. >:->

Step One

Make a strong take-off every day. A good take-off sets the tone of the day. When you:

WAKE UP — set a time
JUMP UP — don’t lie in bed, there’s a wonderful world waiting
MAKE UP — the bed immediately, automatically
EAT UP — something nutritious
WASH UP — bathe body or wash face
BRUSH UP — take care of your teeth
DRESS UP — completely from head to toe including hair, shoes, and makeup of some kind on your face
LOOK UP — somewhere during the day you need to turn your heart upward to God (a great way to start the day)

Add any other steps you may need to your flight plan, like TAKE A WALK. They don’t have to end with UP.

- messies anonymous - getting started

Yeah... I was a member of Fly Ladies for some time. I was irritated by the snobbish attitude. Everyone seemed to assume that people had dishwashers, laundry machines, cars... people were told to buy organizing helpers from the "head quarters". The last straw for me was when one of the other members told proudly how she and her siblings had "crash-cleaned" their hoarder-mother's house, without her knowledge or consent... The other members praised her and told her that her mother will forgive and it was the right thing to do, and I lost it. I told the group that I have seldom seen such inconsiderate violation of people's rights and that I refuse to be part of a group where the economical value and some social image is more important than respecting people's right to decide for themselves. The children seemed to be more worried about their mother's house loosing value than anything else. Even if the mother's health was in jeopardy, it's not the children's business, but the mother's alone. If she asked for help, then the issue had been different, but she didn't. I'm pretty sure she will "forgive" her children, but she will never trust them again, and the situation will be just as bad within a couple of months, as such "interventions" only deal with the symptoms, and not the disease.
So, when I now look at "dress up - completely from head to toe including hair, shoes and makeup of some kind on your face", my hair raises. The second step - if I remember correctly - of Fly Ladies was to wear laced shoes... Now, in my culture people don't wear shoes inside. I could be wearing slippers, and I do, in winter, when it's cold, but most of the time I go barefeet at home. I also don't use makeup and I find the mere suggestion offensive, controlling and snobbish. Also, even if I'm Theist, I know a lot of others are not, and the suggestion of "looking up" has a disagreeable taste. What if I'm not a 50's housewife type?

I should read my blog more :-D

2011-06-19T00:43:00.000-07:00

Today I'm "there" again.

I noticed that I have no habits, except the habit of doing what I want at any given moment. The habit of following my impulses where ever they might take me, and they have taken me to 104.8 kilos. (231 pounds. Yay! One pound less than a week ago!)

I have bad impulse control. (No, it's not a disorder.) I eat too much and wrong kind of food, I don't exercise, I waste time in idiotic things like playing computer games - not to relax and wind down, but because I need to make time pass... - I don't take care of my responsibilities, my home nor myself, I just float from day to day and do absolutely nothing but what I feel like doing at any given moment.
I have enormous difficulties in getting myself to the different meetings with doctors or other people outside home trying to help me, I get horrible anxiety that makes me sleep badly and feel bad almost half a day before and half a day after the meeting. I don't want to have it like that.

In a way it is my husband's "fault". He has been preaching the philosophy of not doing what one doesn't want to do. It's sort of his way of revolting against the very strict life of his childhood, but my problem is not that I don't do what I want to do... Trying to remember back to my life, I don't remember much habits, structure or routines in my life when I was a child either. There was school, but I used to have "friday sickness" - I didn't go to school every day. Of course, I was bullied at school, and I didn't have many friends, so it wasn't fun to go to school, and as I already knew quite a lot more than my peers, there was no reason to go to school either. Now there doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to make me take care of things I should take care of, like cleaning the apartment.

I will never win the challenge this way :-D

If I lose a pound a week, I will be in goal weight in two years.
I am also not so patient... A pound a week would be absolutely perfect pace, I would probably be able to exercise away the flaps of skin in that time, and I would be slender before my 45th birthday. :-)
But I want it now! I want to be skinny, thin, slender NOW!
And I want it without needing to do anything to get it ;-)

How do you practice tenacity?

2011-06-11T00:15:00.000-07:00

I really want to become the best me I can, and if I have understood correctly, I can be just that, by embracing all my talents... and I have plenty.
There is so much things to learn, there is so much things... I'm sorry I didn't learn all these things when I was little. I'm sorry I'm not very tenacious. I would speak fluent Finnish, Swedish, English, Spanish, Italian, French, Portuguese, Dutch, Japanese, Arabic, Latin, Hebrew, German, and several other languages, if I had any more resilience... perhaps that is something I need to practice more, not my skills and talents.

How do you practice tenacity?
How do you get that "not afraid of dying on the treadmill" attitude?
How do you learn not to give in?
I really need that. I could do anything if I had that.

Is it just about attitudes, and if so, which attitude it is? And how do you train yourself not to give in?
Is it about fear?
Or priorities?
What is important? Nothing... I wonder if I had it when I was little, but then something happened that made me give it up... all those years of waiting, all those years of "it's not worth crying, it's not worth taking that seriously"... it's no use to do anything, hang on, be tenacious, because the world is as it is, and laisse-faire attitude gives me more serenity. Now.
But combined with fear, what it created was this magnificent body of 100+ kilos, probably diabetes, sleep apnea, pain, bad condition, bad conscience, neverending hunger...

Why am I eating? Food has become the only luxury from being the only affordable luxury... But they say, no food tastes as good as being slim.

I don't believe I will be able to lose weight. I have been overweight my whole adult life, and I have just been getting fatter and fatter every year, the last 10 years...

22 reasons to never give up
They didn't give up... a list of people who didn't give up and what they did

motivation and the power of not giving up
6 ways not to give up
not giving up quotations

I ate pancakes with syrup yesterday. I don't know why. I was watching some inspirational weight loss videos, and getting prepared to walk to the store to buy some salads... and then I remembered that my husband had intended the chicken to be used to make Chinese food, and I should also buy the ingredients for the Chinese food as well. I don't want that. I want a good salad with a lot of different stuff in, different colors, spenach and tomatoes and paprika and fruit and then piece of chicken to go with it... and nice, light French dressing, so that I get the fatty acids I need...

How to avoid saggy skin after weight loss?

2011-06-10T05:31:00.000-07:00

The unavoidable truth is that if you lose weight quickly - like giving birth to a baby - your skin might not be able to "hang" with you - so it ends up hanging... in nasty, ugly folds, flapping wings, sides, buttocks and belly, arms and thighs... I don't want that. At the moment it seems that all you can do to that AFTERWARDS is to cut it off. So think about it BEFORE.

1. Loose weight slowly.
2. Exercise - fill the "gap" with muscles. That will also improve the "tightness" of skin. I don't know how that works, but it does.
3. Give your skin a lot of water and nutritions. Eat proper food with all vitamins, minerals and oils, the good stuff. It's better to get those things from natural food than through additives and man-made chemicals in pills and "added" stuff.
4. Give your skin some sunlight for vitamin D. It will also make you less hungry.
5. Start losing weight NOW. Don't wait till tomorrow, or next monday, or next month or after holidays or your vacation or anything. The skin loses elasticity as you get older, and you get older every day... Start NOW.

Exfoliating, rubbing, dry-brushing, moisturising and massaging the skin might help somewhat.

So - let's see if that'll help.

Here's what I have to work with:

Yes, those stripes on my "love handles" are stretch marks, and I had them already when I was 15 and not overweight. I suppose my skin has never been very elastic... nice for me, huh?

Oh, damn, it's ugly!

Nevertheless, it shows, that I need to work with my arms, thighs, sides, back and belly.

Now, I chose to wear these bikini pants under my belly. They actually cover that belly flap "normally", so that I look a little better.
My bottom has always been small and "tight"

You know... Angelina Jolie doesn't have that much bottom either...

and see, even though she's so skinny, she too has "muffin tops"

I have to stop...

2011-06-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

... but how?

"Using your measurements of a 43.5 inches waist and weight of 232 pounds your body fat percentage is estimated to be 51.10 % using the U.S. Navy body fat formula, or 46.36 % using the formula developed by the YMCA. "

My BMI is 37.6

Obesity class II is also called morbid obesity. I'm eating myself to death.

Women's Calorie Calculator Results

These calorie calculator results will help you understand how many calories you need to maintain your current weight, and the number of calories needed per day to achieve your goal weight in a healthy, steady manner.

You need 2267.9 calories per day to maintain your current weight without exercise.

You need 1774.4 calories per day to reach your goal weight slowly and maintain that weight without exercise.

If you reduce your current caloric intake to 1767.9 calories per day you will lose one pound per week without exercise.

If you increase your current caloric intake to 2767.9 calories per day, you will gain one pound per week.

Exercise and Calorie Needs

If you exercise for 30 minutes each day, you may increase your caloric intake to 2532.4 calories per day and still maintain your current weight.

If you exercise for 60 minutes each day, you may increase your caloric intake to 2863 calories per day to maintain your current weight.

If you exercise for 30 minutes each day, you will be able to reach your goal weight with 1979.6 calories per day.

If you exercise for 60 minutes each day, you will be able to reach your goal weight with 2236.2 calories per day.

Anything you can do, I can do better...

2011-05-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

I enjoy reading Regretsy. I have explained that elsewhere, but as an artist and artisan, I don't find it "wonderful" when people try to push crap as "art" or "handmade item".
Even though it is so that "if you can't call it anything else, it's art" - which definition I gave art at artisan school, I have plenty of names for most of the things at Regretsy, and none of them is art...

Now, there is this semifamous person, whose best friend is dating a more famous person, and this person likes to do things... she has a couple of shops at Etsy, where she sells... well... not too badly made art and crafts. It's not GOOD, don't get me wrong, but it's not bad either. Now, that I can do better any day, blindfolded and one arm tied behind my back, but to me that would be no challenge either...

So - could I do anything she does better? ANYTHING she does?

Okay... she is a "glamour model". (A really silly name for page 3 girls). Her BMI is 18.5 and she is physically fit.
I am not. I am so far from being a glamour model anyone can be; I'm not even the shape fat pin-ups have.

You know - either pear or hourglass. I'm the classic top-heavy mother-in-law or controlling wife from the 50's cartoons. I'm more of a shape of a very fat carrot... I have wide shoulders and chest, and my hips are more V than A or O...

Here's what I have to work with...

I'm no glamour model :-D

So - I need to get my weight down from the 103 it is now to 53 kilos. That's loosing half of me...
Then I need to get fit. I assume both of these are reached at the same time ;-)

I will not become a glamour model even to prove "anything you can do, I can do better", but I would love to do this...

"a woman who not only shoots incredibly photographs, but makes incredible costumes, as well as does incredible hair and makeup..." "...Enter Viona, who is herself some strange, mystical, unearthly being. She is modelesque, with an incredible face, and poses in many of her own photos. It also appears that every one of her friends is also modelesque, were born seamstresses, and all do great hair and makeup. To add to the bizarre soup of it all, they're all German, who speak perfect English, and travel the world taking surreal pictures. They have the ability to attach horns to their head, wear fur and look stunning, obtain and successfully sport colored contacts, and apply gallons of liquid eyeliner with no flaw nor shakey hand whatsoever."

Yep. That's what I am going to shoot at. Having a body that WOULD be good for "glamour" photos, but not do it... or do it a bit differently. Like this girl, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this or this, or this... oh, so beautiful :-)

Also, the "almost famous person" calls herself a sing-a-songwriter and guru, says she likes to desgin, and has video tutorials on all kinds of things; make-up, food and DIY stuff. She isn't very good at cooking or singing, but make-up she knows how to apply. So that I really need to learn.
Michelle Phan is my idol :-) She is so cute and pretty and funny and skilled... she makes it look so easy :-)

So - loose weight, get fit, learn to apply make-up, make my hair, sew corsets, take photos, write songs and learn to sing better, and then make a series of foody videos for YouTube in the style of Nigella Lawson, Annabel Longbein, Rachael Ray and Jamie Oliver :-D In this company "naked chef" might mean something slightly different than what Jamie meant :-D

But - at least I know that if I WANT to do it, I'm MEANT to do it :-)

Black Swan and how "it" feels...

2011-05-23T12:55:00.000-07:00

I saw a sign... "nothing tastes as good as thin feels". I wouldn't know.
I am still "hungry" all the time. I haven't been able to follow any of my "rules", I haven't managed to start Atkins again, and I'm still in pain and snoring, so - obviously I haven't yet made up my mind.

what ever.

I watched a discussion between the interviewer, the movie critic and the prima ballerina about Black Swan. Many ballerinas, primas and less so, have been complaining about the director's decision to let Natalie Portman to keep her mind, and dance herself. She practiced a year. Yes, she can dance ballet, but she isn't that good at it. Even I can see it, and I can't dance. I wish I could...

Obviously I have a "Greek" foot. My big toe is shorter than the one next to it. Oh well. That means I need to pad my pointe shoes.

I just want to dance... I understand why people decided to stand on their toes... it is the closest we get to flying...

I actually thought they stand on the "knuckles" of the feet... but they do stand on the big toe... fascinating.

These feet belong to Paloma Herrera...

"Though beautiful, pointe work is very painful.
Many injuries result from the force being put on the feet and toes.
These injuries can be minor, such as blisters, or major, such as a broken ankle.
Other injuries caused by pointe shoes are bunions, ingrown toenails, tendonitis, os trigonum syndrome, osteoarthritis, and stress fractures."

No... they are not pretty. But she is...

Ah... one day...

Bigger than ever...

2011-04-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

I weigh about 105 kilos at the moment. We - my husband and I - were supposed to start Atkins today, but it didn't happen.

I have got a diagnosis: I have fibromyalgia.

About "57 ways to ease your pain"
There are no 57 ways to ease pain mentioned. What they do mention is:
- massage
- hypnosis; self-suggestions, affirmations
- guided imagery; meditation, relaxing, other anti-anxiety and anti-stress exercises
- deep breathing
- acupuncture
- biofeedback
- hydrotherapy
- physical therapy; yoga, stretching, Pilates; regular exercise
- posture work
- TENS

- medication
- chiropractor/orthopedy
- eating certain things, avoiding certain other things
- simple distraction, like reading, listening to music etc.
- aromatherapy

I say:
1) Loose weight.
Now, all these statistics and tables and charts are mostly something one cannot trust 100%, but one doesn't need to be a rocket scientist to know, that if you are 168 cm (5'6) and weigh over 100 kilos, you weigh way too much. It doesn't matter that the different charts tell your ideal weight is anything from 55-75 kilos, and thus you cannot know what your precise ideal weight is, what matters is that you should weigh under 80 kilos anyway. If it is 75, 65 or 55 kilos that's something only you can tell - think about when you were feeling the best and what did you weigh then. That's your ideal weight.

2) Exercise regularly

3) Stretch - yoga, Pilates etc

4) sleep as well as you can
Find out if you suffer from sleep apnea. It is easily treated and can be a cause of at least some of your pain.

5) breathe
Someone said that we breathe twice as quickly today as 100 years ago...
Here's some breathing exercises.

6) Laugh
8 ways to laugh more

7) food.
Some people have found that sugar and high carb foods make it worse, some people react negatively on meat, some on all "nightshade plants" (tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, paprika and eggplant).
Some find relief in ginger, chili or curcumin. (Curry has been good for some people).
Here's Anti-fungal & Anti-Yeast Diet (naturally, bread is a huge no-no in this and not even mentioned and vinegar doesn't contain mold or yeast, on the contrary. Also, soy sauce doesn't contain vinegar.)
You could also be intolerant/oversensitive/allergic to some food. To find out what, keep a food diary. If some food causes itching, swolling, stomach problems, even a runny nose, you should avoid eating that.
Find out how you react.

8) learn to deal with stress and anxiety

2011-02-19T08:17:00.000-08:00

Second day with Atkins, again.
103.5 kilos.
Mood: sad

I reread what I had written some time ago. The 17 tips I give still count.

Blah...

2011-02-18T10:22:00.000-08:00

I feel absolutely horrible.
I weigh 105 kilos now. I just want to eat. Eat, eat, eat... I want candy, I want fresh bread with jam and butter, I want pancakes, pasta with creamy sauce, sausages with bread and butter... I want brownies, pie, cake and desserts, I want...
I need to lose weight. I have been steadily GAINING weight since this weight loss project started. I have been giving in to every whim and fancy, eating what I want, when I want and also when I'm bored or have nothing else to do.
I feel lowsy... Not because I'm fat and can't lose weight, that's ok. But because I'm really, really, really horribly depressed, sad, miserable, with a dash of anxiety and apathy, if that's even possible. All I really want to do is sleep and lie down staring at the ceiling and sleep some more.
And I can't do that. Because then I will be eating.

I told myself yesterday that no overweight person is ever hungry. Not really. It's just the body's effort to keep the weight it has, how ever harmful that is to the body itself. That's the way we have been programmed. Also, most fat people are undernourished. Naturally, as we mostly eat carbs and fat. There isn't that much nutrition in carbs and fat. So, I'm taking my vitamins and drinking my water and writing a list of things I'm going to eat when I'm back at 80 kilos.

I'll get under BMI 35 at 98 kilos, BMI 30 is at 84 kilos, and 70 kilos is just under BMI 25. I know the problems with BMI, but in my situation that's good enough.
First I want back under 100 kilos. Then I want back to BMI 20-something, even if it's 29.8 Then want under BMI 25 and then under 70 kilos.

I don't remember being under 70 kilos my adult life... It's weird, because I was size 42 in gymnasium. (US 8, UK 12, High School, age 18). I was an athlete, which means that was mostly muscle, and I was pretty slim... I look at my photos and I'm amazed by how thin I look... But my sisters were smaller, my class mates were smaller, and I had the idea that I was a fat pig already then... I still remember how my sister was talking about my weight with another sister in telephone, about how quickly I eat and how I get fatter and fatter all the time...
I remember coming home from school, and how there was nothing much to eat, so I made myself something, and usually it was something with sugar. Oh, how I want to go to the kitchen and boil myself a batch of fudge right now... How I wish there had been someone to see I had a healthy snack waiting.
I have Asperger's and that makes me really picky with food, and I didn't like school food, so I was hungry like a wolf when I got home from school.

I'm bitter and sad. I can't do this. I am tired and sad. I don't even have money enough to buy myself something enjoyable. I don't like bathing and spa. I have no serenity to sit down and read. I can't afford buying craft materials, and the damn moths and carpet beetles are eating their way through my stash quicker than I can knit and crochet it, and they also eat their way through my creations. I have been forced to throw away all the sock I've knitted, because they are so full of holes one cannot mend them. I'd like to do some scrapbooking, but... it's not fun without all the stamps and stickers and papers and pens and scissors and cutters and stuff. I can't do this because I have no that, and so on and so forth.
I could do art. I don't feel like doing art. I think I'm unimaginative, not very good at it, and I don't know what to do. Sure, I could sit here and copy, copy, copy, draw animals and so on... really cute. People might perhaps even buy those things. I'm not that bad. But I want to get into Konstfack/Taideteollinen korkeakoulu, and...

I will never become anything, and that hurts. Right now I wonder if there ever was anything worth anything, ever, in me, or did I waste all my talents and gifts in doing nothing?

Why couldn't I get in school already when I was 18? What was wrong with me? How was I lacking? How could I improve when I don't know what is missing? How could I mend the problem when I don't know what it is? How could I change when I don't know what's wrong? I can't... and I won't, and I won't ever get in the K/T and I will never become anything more than I'm now. Senttaali-Sanna. Sadan kilon keijukainen. Tenth ton piece of worthless blob.

Also, I won nothing in OWOH this year either. Right now I cannot think of anything fun and enjoyable, except eating, and that I may not do, because I weight 105 kilos...

New year, old deeds...

2011-02-07T02:19:00.000-08:00

It's 2011 and I weigh 104 kilos. I have never been this heavy in my life. I can barely breath, I suffer from sleep apnea, which causes me to be tired all the time, irritable, depressed, I am losing my memory and concentration, higher blood pressure, heart problems... and all kinds of other things.
Obesity itself causes
•    ischemic heart disease: angina and myocardial infarction
•    congestive heart failure
•    high blood pressure
•    abnormal cholesterol levels
•    deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism
•    diabetes mellitus
•    polycystic ovarian syndrome
•    menstrual disorders
•    infertility
•    complications during pregnancy
•    birth defects
•    intrauterine fetal death
•    stroke
•    meralgia paresthetica
•    migraines
•    carpal tunnel syndrome
•    dementia
•    idiopathic intracranial hypertension
•    multiple sclerosis
•    depression
•    social stigmatization
•    gout
•    poor mobility
•    osteoarthritis
•    low back pain
•    stretch marks
•    acanthosis nigricans
•    lymphedema
•    cellulitis
•    hirsutism
•    intertrigo
•    gastroesophageal reflux disease
•    fatty liver disease
•    cholelithiasis (gallstones)
•    obstructive sleep apnea
•    obesity hypoventilation syndrome
•    asthma
•    increased complications during general anaesthesia
•    erectile dysfunction
•    urinary incontinence
•    chronic renal failure
•    hypogonadism
cancer;
•    breast, ovarian
•    esophageal, colorectal
•    liver, pancreatic
•    gallbladder, stomach
•    endometrial, cervical
•    prostate, kidney
•    non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, multiple myeloma

I MUST loose weight. I NEED to loose weight. I WANT to loose weight. But for some reason I don't get this. My wrists hr like hll every day, I have asthma and sleep apnea, my blood pressure is getting quite high, and STILL I DON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.

I know EXACTLY what I need to do right now. Eat less, move more. It really is that simple. But I don't do that. For some weird, sick, wicked reason I don't...
I complain about being sick, I mourn about all the things I cannot do anymore, but I do nothing to change the situation.
All that is something that happens to someone else, not me, even though
IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED TO ME.

Also, I think I'm ugly because of this. I don't want to be ugly.
Being size 50 means 90% of commercial fashion is not available for me. If I want clothes I like I have to make them. And it won't look as nice as when slim people are wearing it.

Why do I eat? Because I can. Because it's "affordable luxury", pleasure, joy, positive sensual experience...
Because I can do it at home.

Why don't I move? It's uncomfortable, even painful to move. It takes time, you can't do other things when you "move". I can't use the internet and exercise, I can't read a book and exercise, I can't craft and exercise...

But I'm dying... Can't do any of those things when I'm dead either.

Ok...

2010-09-13T01:28:00.000-07:00

The next day after weighing 103,7 kilos, I weighed 102.7 (226 pounds). It was on the peak of my menstruation, so I was probably more "moist" than usually. One can think the kilo was pure water.

The mystery is that I weigh the same today, 102,7.
My waist is 43 inches in the narrowest place, making my approximate fat percentage about 37%
I have been avoiding sugar, white wheat and sandwiches, and exercising every day. I have exercised at least half an hour every day.

AND NOTHING HAPPENS!!!

Really. Why bother doing anything. *sigh*
I'm going to give this one more week, but if I still weigh over 102 kilos, I'll give up.
I NEED to see some results.

I hate this

2010-09-11T06:26:00.000-07:00

I am desperately trying to avoid getting all depressed, by working on my writing, but it isn't working.
I am feeling hopeless. I have Asperger's. I know people with Asperger's are able to work almost like "normal" people, but... I don't want to. I have been trying for 40 years and it's just not working. It's like when you are learning foreign languages. There comes a point when you are so good at the new language, that people forget it's a foreign language to you, and they expect the same of you as of anyone speaking the language as their mothertongue.
I speak "social" almost fluently, and people expect me to be fluent in it. It is still strange to me, difficult, foreign, alien... I will get punished because I don't speak - or understand - it fluently, by people not wanting to be with me and do things with me. So I don't do things.
Now I'm tired of even trying to "talk social".
I am tired trying to get along with people, try to negotiate and compromise and make deals and get out of the communication what I need.

I have been exercising and eating ok for three days now, and it doesn't show anywhere. It feels totally useless. Why would I refuse myself some of the joys of life for nothing? Right now it is for nothing. I have been trying to change my weight for 20 years now, and I weigh more than 20 years ago. I weigh about 30 kilos more today than 20 years ago.

I started eating unhealthy things when I was a teenager, because I was lonely. I'm still eating unhealthy things because I am lonely. I am married, to another lonely person, and it feels like we are parts of one lonely entity. He is sick too, carrying his own burdens, that make it difficult and often practically impossible to do anything else but potter inside and try to make time pass. You don't need to be fit and thin to write, read, watch television and play with the computer.

I try to loose some weight to see if my pain would go away with the weight. It might well be some sort of nerves in jam in my neck due to my obesity that makes the fingers ache. But... my life stinks, even after I have tried doing something to change it. My fingers ache, but now my legs are killing me too, because I have been walking and jogging, and I weigh 100 kilos.

I have never had normal weight in my adulthood. I don't know what it is like. To me the choice to sweat, ache and cry now so that I may have the energy to do things or live longer is totally idiotic. No choice at all.
Live longer? For what? Why? What's so great about life, so that one would want to live to be 70, 80, 90, 100 or older? I watch my parents who are 75 and have all kinds of health problems. I read Katherine Hepburn's biography, and she, a woman who had been fit all her life, had all kinds of problems. Even the best of us will get old, weak and sick. What's so great about that?
I suppose I will spent the rest of my life the same way I have spent the life so far. Sitting home, reading, writing, creating, watching television, playing with the computer... And I have all the energy needed for that already.

So, to me the choice is having something tangible, real, enjoyable now, or denying that from myself, perhaps even do something difficult, heavy, painful and sweaty. so that PERHAPS some day in the future THAT NEVER COMES I would... what? WHAT?! Because it is not said my pain is because of my overweight. It CAN be fibromyalgia, and then I would be thin and fit and in pain, sitting by my computer, writing, reading, watching television and playing. Having denied myself a huge part of what I consider being luxury and luxury I can afford, for NOTHING.

I know I feel physically crap, and it MIGHT change if I lost weight, but this is the only reality I know, and even when it's not fun, it's tolerable. Acceptable. I cannot see how it would be any better if I lost 40 kilos and exercised and was fit, like I was when I was a teenager. I mean... I didn't have these pains, but I didn't have any friends either, or anything to do except read, write, create, watch television and play with the computer. Or, to be honest, I didn't have a computer and internet then, because I was a teenager in the 80's, and even though internet is about as old as I am, it didn't became even close to what it is now before late 90's.

I would like to practice martial arts, though, and my main excuse not to do that, is that I'm not fit... but... I am also a middle-aged woman with Asperger's, social phobia, panic anxiety and inherited bad knees... I don't think I would do anything about it even if I was fit.

I think I hate my life more than myself.

I have never been this heavy

2010-09-08T01:44:00.000-07:00

This morning I weighed 103,7 kilos. That's 228 pounds. BMI 37. "Class II Obese". Not yet "morbidly obese", but getting there. Not even 9 kilos to go. (But only 5 kilos to go to Class I)
(My estimated body fat percentage is 36%)

It feels like I have been fighting overweight my whole adult life.
When I was 70+, I was thinking "not over 80".
When I was 80+, I was thinking "when it gets over 90...".
Then it got over 90. For a while I was shocked, then I got used to seeing the 9 as the first number of my weight...
Then came the horrible day my weight wasn't 2 numbers anymore. At that time I comforted myself by saying that "at least I'm lighter than my husband".
Now I cannot even say that. I weigh more than my husband.

I hate myself.

Defining beauty

2010-09-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

Huh... This is me about 10 years ago - and 20 kilos ago. - with Marquardt's face mask.
Fascinating... my right eye is a bit higher than the left eye, and my chin is bigger than "perfect" and my forehead slightly narrower... and my eyebrows are a bit bushy. But the rest... Nice :-)

I wonder how well I would fit the jaw line if I was model weight... that is about 55 kilos. 45 kilos less than now. (Indeed, loosing half of me ;-))

I have always thought I'm ugly. I suppose I can stop that now :-D

On the other hand... here's Audrey Hepburn, chosen to the most beautiful woman of 20th century, according to QVC poll, and Angelina Jolie, the most beautiful woman of 20th century according to Harper

Audrey's face is too small to dr Marquardt, her eyes too big; Angelina's nose is too short and face too long, and lips too full... so - what's beauty?

Celebrity weight loss

2010-08-22T00:49:00.000-07:00

I was watching "40 most slimmed down celebrities" at VH1

I'm really p'd off with Tyra Banks right now. She "fights back" and gets the country's support and THEN looses the weight, and by doing so she's telling everyone her critiques were right and everyone else, herself included, was wrong, and she IS fat in the cover of People.

My tips for weight loss:

1) eat breakfast
2) don't eat anything after 8 P.M.
3) eat when you are hungry, what you want to eat and stop eating when you are not hungry anymore. (Not after you are so full you can't eat anymore.) It usually is enough with one bite of candy, doughnut or something, and you won't be depriving yourself what you like, but not letting the food decide for you either.
It might take some practice to actually KNOW what you want to eat. Sit down and THINK about eating what ever it is you want to eat. Is it what you want to eat?
4) find some ways to reward yourself that don't involve food; take a bath, read a good book, take a walk in park, buy yourself a magazine, a piece of jewelry, or what ever rocks your boat.
5) drink a lot of water. Have a water bottle by you all the time, and keep it full of good water. Not juice, drink, soda or such, but water. Perhaps add a twist of lemon, if you like that, but don't add sugar.
6) don't use light products and artificial sweeteners and such. Use proper butter, cream and sugar, when you do, and EAT LESS. Artificial sweeteners and light products cheat you to eat more and cause health problems we haven't researched enough.
7) don't count calories. If you want to count, eat only as much as your cupped hands can hold, and then stop. You can even get a bowl the size of your cupped hands, so that when visiting someone, you can fill the bowl and then stop eating. Everything you eat at one sitting, even if it was a 12 course dinner, count, so if you want some dessert, you need to save some place in the bowl for that ;-)
8) keep your blood sugar in steady level. It's better for you to eat a little all day long, than eat a lot once a day. (If you are used to not listen to your body, eat one handful every 3-4th hour, and the last meal 8.P.M. That gives you 4-6 meals a day.)
9) eat fresh fruit, vegetables and nuts as snacks. A bowl of mixed nuts and a bowl of mixed fruits in pieces fully replace the bowls of candy and chips in your mind, and it won't hurt you like sugar and salt do.
10) walk when you can (so that you can walk when you need to). Don't take the elevator, take the stairs; don't take the car to the grocery store, get a bike or walk (now, of course, within limits. If you have more than a mile to the store, you may consider alternatives, but a mile is nothing.) Get off the buss a stop before yours and walk home. Walk to the next buss stop when you are to take the buss somewhere. If you miss a buss and must wait, walk to the next buss stop in stead. Take a short walk at your coffee breaks and lunch breaks.
11) Keep a bag of nuts and a bottle of water with you all the time.
12) make a list of your favorite foods, the stuff you don't want to be without, what you would eat as your last supper - you know, whether it is pizza, lasagne or sandwiches, and promise yourself you will eat that once in a week, but only once a week. NOT EVERY DAY.
13) have a day in a week you may eat ANYTHING. What ever you want, feel like, and as much as you want/can/desire.
14) throw out all sugar and white wheat flour and everything alike; candy, baked goods, cookies, cakes, potato chips, snacks, sugar coated anything, etc - and get rid of all light products, slimming products and sweeteners and cream replacements, and all artificial stuff, "just add water", mixes and ready-made stuff. Don't keep anything like this in your cupboard, fridge or freezer. You won't eat something you don't have.
15) learn to cook. Have a cooking day when you make food and fill your freezer for those days you don't feel like cooking.
16) find out which vegetables/fruits you like and which you don't, and fill your cupboards with the ones you like. Have a bowl of good salad (no salad dressing) in your fridge all the time, and use it. When ever you take a sandwich or a piece of meat or something like that, take also some salad.
17) find out which sports you like and start exercising. There is something for everyone, even if it's Tai Chi or shooting. (Yes, shooting is a sport. You can even count things like shopping and cleaning ;-))
Ask your friends to exercise with you. Call a friend to keep you company, if there's no-one around, or use music or audio books.

Everyone is more or less autistic?

2010-08-15T07:07:00.000-07:00

I read this and found it very interesting.

I have "very clearly" Asperger's and "very clearly not" ADD or ADHD.

Information, data, knowledge, has always been the top priority to me. My biggest problem in ANY area of life is whether I am understood/misunderstood by others, and whether I understand what others say. I am a compulsive-obsessive hoarder when it comes to trivial information - I collect books, papers, lists, even single words, like a magpie. I would rescue my information sources before my clothes, photos, jewelry, handbag...

I have never been a rebel. I don't protest against authorities, I respect old age, I am good at obeying. I think I would have been a good soldier. I truly believe people in authority position are there because they deserve it :-D
Not so to my husband, who believes people in authority positions are automatically powerhungry control freaks who enjoy bullying and manipulating others, and tell others to do things just because they can. He has ADHD ;-)
So, for me it's 3-?-?-4, without a doubt.

So what about 1 and 2?

I have some OC features. I cannot pass a messy shelf in a store. I have to organize it. I always sort my color pencils, money, books, dishes, laundry... We have a system, my husband and I - he does the laundry and I sort it in the closet and drawers.

But comfort and sensory privacy are very important to me as well. I need to be alone, I need to be untouched, especially if I'm emotionally upset. I cannot stand being hugged when I'm sad, I want to cringe when someone pats me on my back or head and holding hands is weird, even when it's someone I like, like my husband. I am extremely focused on that all the time when we are holding hands. I am also very sensual, enjoy the sensory input, but only as long as it is on my terms. When I am emotionally upset, all the sensory input becomes overwhelming, even painful. One of the first signs of me being in a bad place is that I try to shelter my eyes from light. I would rather sit in a dark closet, or preferably, in a weightless bubble, because the weight of my own bodyparts, the mere body, is too overwhelming to me. I like the floatation tanks.

I think comfort comes before neatness for me... because my home is a mess. I hate taking care of my personal hygiene. I only take care of it so that the people in my environment wouldn't be unnecessarily bothered by it. I don't personally feel uncomfortable being dirty and wearing dirty, raggety clothes. Id rather be naked, though, because my own skin isn't itchy, scratchy and not too small or in a way, like clothes can be :-D
Also, I don't depend on the "correct tool" to be able to do things. If I cannot find the right color pencil, I use another. I have no problems in drawing on paper with lines, or writing across the lines.

My favorite place is the library and museums.
My second favorite place is the bed :-D Entertainment and pleasure are high on my list, so being able to sit in comfortable clothes, enjoying good food and a good book - or surfing the internet - or watching television, preferably a good film or interesting documentary :-D - comfortably, on a good chair, sofa or bed, is a very nice idea.
I would not give up my pleasure for organizing and cleaning, but I'd rather do that than run from home, head to new adventures, be a rolling stone and follow my hat to new homes, never looking back...

So - 3-1-2-4

Me and hubby... he's not that clear with the other 3, but 4 is always #1 :-D

You are in a well-equipped kitchen ready to make food. What do you think is important?

1) that the food you make will be good
2) that the kitchen and equipment is clean
3) that you know the recipe and the chemistry of the food
4) that you may choose freely what to make and how

What is a well-equipped kitchen, apart from good tools?

1) open, easy, warm and soft
2) clean, tidy, efficient
3) cook books
4) full fridge and cupboard

You are heading toward a book shelf to find something to read. What will you pick?

1) something entertaining, funny, lovely, a good story; probably a children's book, romance, funny stories or a comic book.
2) good book that is in good condition. Proabably a contemporary novel or world classic.
3) something you'll learn something new from, perhaps a fact book, but fiction is ok too, probably a historical or spiritual novel or a biography.
4) what ever you feel like, probably action; thriller, detective novel, scifi or fantasy, perhaps horror.

You need to sleep. Which bed will you choose?

1) a bed with soft, comfortable bed linen, nothing itchy and scratchy
2) a clean bed, set exactly as I need/want/like it
3) a bed with a good mattress, ergonomical and healthy, providing the scientific conditions for good night sleep.
4) which ever I choose

You need a pair of shoes. Which will you choose?

1) the comfortable ones with enough room for toes and which don't shafe.
2) the neat ones that are easy to keep clean
3) the best shoes for the purpose
4) shoes that look good. Shoes I want.

You are invited to sit in the living room. Where will you go and sit?

1) the nice, soft and cosy arm chair or sofa, perhaps a bean bag or rug
2) the chair or sofa which is easy to access and you can get up easily from, probably not a soft one
3) The one best suited for your purposes. The most ergonomical one. Perhaps one close to the book shelf, or close to someone you might learn something from.
4) The chair where nothing is behind you, and which you can get to and leave freely

What are the keywords for these 4 groups:
1) comfort, beautiful, easy, nice, soft, warm, gentle, tender, cozy
2) well organized, neat, clean, undamaged, tidy, well kept, pure, perfect, order, pristine, as it should be
3) clever, ingenious, ergonomical, ecological, scientific, purposeful, reason, relevant
4) with lots of choices, non-traditional, unusual, as they choose, wish, prefer, being in charge, it shouldn't take much time, it may not be a burden, may not tie one down in any way, no rules, obligations, force

What happens when we are in a "bad place"?

First, I want to flee, free myself from any obligation, rules, force.
Second, I start throwing things around, spread mess and chaos, I break things and kick furniture and so on... Or I start compulsively cleaning.
Third, I try to comfort myself - go to a place with as little sensory stimulation as possible. If nothing else is possible I freeze, refuse to listen, speak, communicate, I turn inwards. I don't want to be touched.
Four - I am able to discuss the matter to understand what just happened.

He needs to understand what is happening... this comes always first. Then he needs comfort.

So... almost a year later

2010-08-15T00:32:00.000-07:00

Of course it all came tumbling down. :-(

I ate a lot during the Yuletide and through the Spring and Summer... now it's Autumn, and I weigh about 100 kilos.

I re-read my blog entries and I am interested in trying again. Situation has changed a little from October.

1) my benefits were tried in May/June, and I got 18 months more time. The "allowance" is halved, though, so I don't have much money. This 18 months - or 15 now - are to be used to rehabilitation, to get me back to the work life. I am still in constant pain and have no diagnose on that... I have had my sleep apnea tested, but the results are pending... for about a month more. I have no faith in my doctor, and tomorrow I'm going to call to another, and hopefully will get a time in a month or so. I really want to get this checked and be sure of what's wrong with me and what can be done to it. My hands hurt, again, like hell, and I don't know how much more I will be writing. It doesn't make the pain worse, and my hands will hurt anyway, but... I will be feeling too sorry for myself.

2) I have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I assume I will be getting some help because of that. It IS sort of autism, a handicap one is born with, so I will be counted as disabled person. I don't know how that will change things, but I know it will...

So - back to eating "nothing" - just tea, water, a spoonful of yogurt when I'm hungry, a mouthful of juice when I feel the sugar graving, and the vitamins, minerals and fish oil :-)

I really want to remove the obesity factor when it comes to my health and pain.

First goal reached!

2009-10-30T07:40:00.000-07:00

This morning I weighed exactly 100.0 kilos!

I am still not hungry, but the gravings come and go. I have noticed that if I eat a good breakfast and drink water properly (a lot, that is), there isn't as much gravings.
On the other hand, I am going to bake today - Danish dark rye, Challah and Karelian pastries (pirogies).
Danish rye recipe is Camilla Plum's Old School rye - the recipe is in Danish - with Jan Hedh's sourdough from the book "Bröd" (Bread).
Challah recipe is from the Complete International Jewish Cookbook by Evelyn Rose.
Karelian rice pierogis are an old national recipe I learned in school. This is ok, but I use all rye. (wheat is for whimps ;-)). The name may vary from Karelian pierogis to Karelian rice pastries to Karelian rye-crusted pastries to even Karelian pies. (the word "piirakka" in Finnish is used of all these sorts of baked goods. Sometimes "pasteija" is used of the finer sort of pastries/pierogis.)
I also know I am going to taste everything I bake. Not good for the diet, better for the feelings.

It has been horrible to stand out with the feelings of being left without and outside, not having, being poor and lonely. Food, especially delicacies, is a cheap way of feeling rich. When I was a kid, we didn't have money to buy candy and "white bread", and the food was rationed - as we were 6 kids growing up, and there wasn't much money - I have been eating to fill the hole, to secure I will never be hungry again and I will never be without anything good. My table is to overflow of cream and wheat, candy and baked goods, meat and butter.
So now as I am not eating, the overflowing table is just a nuisance, a temptation... but the feelings of being without are still there.

But it's Friday and I may eat what ever I wish. I am going to make myself some pasta with minced meat sauce, just the way my mother did it, and eat it with rye bread, I am going to eat the pastries, I am going to eat some potato chips and a little wine gums :-) Or not exactly LOL I am going to eat one tiny bowl of pasta, half of a slice of rye bread, one Karelian pastry and a tiny bowl of chips (50g) and perhaps 2 or 3 wine gums. I don't want to slip back to my old ways.

One thing I have noticed, is that when I don't eat much, what I eat tastes 10 times more. I have noticed that I don't miss salt, but I have developed a taste for sour things. I have also noticed, that I get satisfied with very little - 2 cookies is enough. I don't need to eat the whole package of cookies. I don't need to eat 2-4 person's portions, 2, 3 forkfulls is enough. I'm sure that if I continue with this, I will get my relation with food in order, and live happily ever after, not overweight.

Week 2, Day 2

2009-10-27T15:24:00.000-07:00

I am very depressed.
I am still not hungry, I have lost 4 something kilos in 9 days. I am sort of getting rid of the addiction, but... *sigh* Now I'm in the place where you really don't want to get rid of it, because it fills a space in your life, and now that space is empty, and I don't know what to fill it with.
("Pray and meditate", says my hubby. Blah, says I.)

First week is over

2009-10-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

It's sunday afternoon, and I have been eating very little the whole week. I have eaten a little yogurt and drank a little juice every day, the rest has been mostly water and a couple of cups of tea.

On Friday evening I allowed myself to eat a little cabbage stew with rye bread - I ate like three forkfulls and two bites of the sandwich, and gave the rest to the dog. I just didn't want to eat more. I also allowed myself 50g of potato chips and 5 cookies, of which I ate the chips and 2 cookies, and it felt too much. I felt like I had eaten a good dinner, that I wasn't refusing myself the goodness of food.

Then on Saturday I was surfing the Bread Baking Babes and Daring Bakers, encountered apple strudel, wanted to make that. (Not eat.) That lead me to pulling noodles in my hands. Unfortunately, one of the videos showing noodle pulling, also showed some Chinese pork pasties, that look exactly like Tatar Peremech pastries, and THOSE are... those are DIVINE!!! I could eat tons of those, and I couldn't make those and not eat all I can.
So I went to the kitchen and tried to make noodles, but I think my dough is too stiff. I threw it away and now I'm going to kitchen to make another batch, with more water this time. :-)

I feel ok, I'm not hungry, I don't have gravings so hard I can't handle them. I want this and that, but it's ok not to have it.

I weighed 106 kilos when I started, now I weigh 102.7

Ok... not eating since Monday

2009-10-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

Though it's not 100% not eating. I eat a little yogurt every day, to keep the tummy bacteria in order. But this is day 4 of my no-eat diet. I drink a cup of tea, some juice with added vitamins and such and less sugar, I take my vitamins and extra iron and fish oil capsules, the rest is water. I drink like 2 liters every day.
I haven't lost any weight since Tuesday.
But I also have PMS, so I suppose I'm retaining water. *sigh*
I have lost so far 2 kilos, and 2 kilos a week is GREAT! I should be weighing myself once a week, and not every day. That way I would actually see how I loose weight.

I am not hungry or graving much either. That was a huge surprise to me. I expected it to be harder.
I was thinking about Over-eaters Anonymous, and addiction and abstinence - In OA it is said that being addicted to food is very hard thing to handle, because we have to eat to live.
I was thinking about the Scottish man who didn't eat for over a year.
I think about all of us who are obese, and could stop eating - the amount of damage we do to our bodies when we don't eat is actually less than what we do when we eat too much and when what we eat is unhealthy - too little fibers, too little vitamins and minerals, too much fat, starch and sugar.

My tummy isn't hard and swollen, but soft and sort of flat. I have plenty of tummy fat, so it cannot be flat, but it's not like a full blown balloon, like it often is.

My energy level is very low, I don't sleep well, but that hasn't changed at all from when I started this. I expect the change in my weight and the pills I get from my doctors to take care of my pains and sleeping.

I cannot keep myself warm. I have 2 pairs of wool socks on top of each other and my feet are cold, so cold they hurt. My fingers are cold too. That didn't bother me too much before I started this fasting.

I am very depressed right now, but it can be due to several reasons that has nothing to do with fasting. Let's see how I am after the periods.

Oh, dear, how I want to eat!

2009-10-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

It's the evening of the second day of experience, I haven't eaten anything but a little yoghurt and drank some tea and water.
I went to kitchen to clean it, and saw some boiled potatoes, cold, with skin... I looked at them and thought that when I want to eat them, cold, then I'll eat.
I dream about candy, baked goods, cookies with milk, french fries - basically junkfood and sugar. But when I think of actually eating the stuff... We have some ice cream and french fries in freezer, it's just to go and have me some. No-one is going to stop me, no-one is going to think any less of me.
But - the thing is that it's working...
And the mere thought of actually EATING the food doesn't appeal to me.

Second day fasting...

2009-10-20T04:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not hungry. At least not that I know of. I have probably eaten for desire only for so long I wouldn't even recognize hunger. But I am wanting...
My husband ordered some chicken and french fries while we were talking in the phone, and I heard him later bite to the fries... Mmmmmmm...!
I was thinking about the story of boiled potatoes and eggs, and, mmm.... I want some boiled eggs and potatoes!
Perhaps I am hungry LOL

BTW, to something else. You know the lovely story of the boy who saved his girlfriend by trixing her to take the only helmet, when the brakes of his motorcycle broke? They have rewritten it... obviously they totally missed the message of the original story and wanted to make it sadder. :->
Sad? Not the least! Makes me happy that the stupid people died.
And I came to think about the people to whom the story of the potatoes and eggs wasn't good enough... "The carrots went in strong, hard and unrelenting, but after being subjected to the boiling water, they softened and became weak." Doesn't seem to me they understood the original story either >:->
BTW I hate coffee.

We don't need to eat to live

2009-10-13T11:26:00.000-07:00

A 200 kilos man from Scotland lived over a year without anything but water and vitamins. He didn't eat anything for over a year! He lost 125 kilos. He didn't die. He didn't develop weird sicknesses and conditions. His intestines didn't stop functioning. Sure, he was under a doctor's surveillance all the time. I haven't been able to verify this story, but it was in Horizon's "Why Aren't Thin People Fat", so I assume it's real. As I haven't been able to verify the story, I don't know whether this guy is still alive and normal weighed, or what medical consequences he got from that.

We are using almost 2000 kronas every month to food. If we ate nothing but water and vitamines, we would save 2000 cronas every month! Amazing!

I wonder what Henric would say...
-----------------------

Of course he got defensive and we have a massive argument. *sigh*

Geocities is closing...

2009-10-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

...and I'm vacuuming data... so many sites, so little time. But - I'll get what I am supposed to get. The Universum has its way of getting me the information I need.

My therapist told me today that she cannot work with me. Or actually, I told her that I cannot work with her. I don't feel she gives me any response, feedback, suggestions, support nor tools, so what the heck do I need her for? Obviously she agrees with me, so - no more therapy. Fun.

Nevertheless, you know I have been sick and getting worse the last 10 years. While I was collecting information, I run to this:

Out-of-Shape Immune Systems

We all know the signs that prove that our bodies are "out of shape". Our body fat increases, we tire more easily, walking short distances can tire us or cause us to be short of breath, and we usually find it hard to become motivated to make changes. We get depressed more easily, we don't eat right, and we don't care about exercise. What does this have to do with our immune system? ...just about everything... When the immune system is "out of shape", we feel fatigued, we lose the fight against depression, our hearing and eyesight begins to fail, we have muscle aches, digestion problems, find it hard to get restful sleep, and have no energy for even the most mundane of things. Just as we have to keep our bodies healthy, we have to do the things that will keep our immune systems healthy.

- Improve the diet
- Get more sleep
- Get the right kind of exercise in the right amounts
- Improve the attitudes that dictate how we handle stress

9 Essential Immune Boosting Nutrients

Vitamin A and Beta-Carotene

Found in most fruits and vegetables, especially yellow - carrots, cantaloupe yams (sweet potatoes)
Protects against tumor growth and cancerous disorders
Boosts white blood cells that detoxify your system

Vitamin B6

Whole grains, potatoes, nuts, lean meats, poultry, dark leafy vegetables
Helps to distribute the needed amino acids that build and repair the cellular walls of your immune system to resist infectious diseases

Folate

Found in legumes, salmon, dark leafy vegetables, eggs and liver (eggs and liver are high in cholesterol - consume in moderation)
Essential in the formation of cells, especially red blood cells

Vitamin C

Citrus fruits, tomatoes, cabbage, and other raw leafy vegetables, strawberries, melons, kiwi (excellent source in small package - 2 kiwi provide a day's RDA of Vitamin C)
Essential to the healing of wounds, formation and maintenace of the capillary walls, guards against infection by stimulating white blood cells

Vitamin E

Wheat germ, whole grains, vegetabel oils, cereals
Strengthens the immune system at several levels. Prevents damage to cells, stimulates white blood cells. Effective and lifesaving antioxidant

Selenium

Seafoods, lean meats, poultry, eggs, whole grains, and garlic
Guards clees against damage, builds resistance to tissue breakdown and counteracts the effects of toxic byproducts

Zinc

Whole grains, oats, seafood, eggs, meat and poultry
Boosts energy levels, is a helper in many immune functions, needed for insulin to work and for carbohydrates to metabolize

Iron

Liver, green leafy vegetables, raisins, whole grain breads and cereals, prune juice, wheat bran, and brewer's yeast
Oxygen carrying element of the blood, and an essential part of every cell.

Omega-3 Fatty Acids

Seafoods, trout, mackerel, and salmon
Valuable in increasing the activity of the white blood cells and are important in the cleansing and detoxification of your system

Well... bad news? Or god?

2009-09-25T05:34:00.001-07:00

My doctor called... he's a bit upset because I don't trust him. I feel he doesn't listen. He claims he does. The last call ended with he telling me there was nothing wrong with my tests, I asking him where will we go now, and he ending the call... I am, of course, happy to know there's nothing wrong with my blood sugar or thyroids, that I don't have high blood pressure, anemia or rheumatic problems, but I have something and I want to know what it is, so that something can be done to it. Either I get help and cure, or I get to live on permanent disability. What ever. I just want to know what is wrong. My hands are aching so bad.

I don't have a good appetite. All food tastes bad. I keep searching for good food, delicious food, the experience with food, I keep eating because I miss the luxury of tasty food. I suppose I should go by my appetite. If I start loosing weight like 10 kilos a month, someone should react.
I wish I found something else to indulge myself with. I don't like spas and such.

I was at the town today

2009-09-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

When I was dressing up, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that I don't look that bad. Sure, I'm fat, but I don't look bad.
I got dressed and still liked the way I looked and it felt good.
I got off the buss, saw my reflection in a shop window and was shocked! I didn't look like that in my own mirror! I looked almost pregnant, very much top-heavy and dressed somewhat like a bag-lady. Not at all nice.

I'm the "goblet shape" - wide back, shoulders, breast, big breasts, high and short waist, square, narrow hips and loooooooooooooong legs.
Now, they are not good looking long legs, because they are very muscular. I have the awful, ugly calf muscles with very good definition. I look like a bad transvestite on high heels. My husband happens to love muscular women and doesn't like the smooth shaped legs, which I think are good looking legs. So - no fishnets and miniskirts for me, thank you. I don't understand why people think if a woman has long legs, she must have good looking legs! I don't!
Sure, I should get bootcut trousers with my high heels and... er... what the heck to do with the upper part?
V-necks, crossovers, wraps, scooped necks, 3/4 coat.
"V neck tops and jackets nipped in at the waist are best for minimizing their top halves."
Hmm...
They also say that Catherine Zeta Jones, Renee Zellweger and Jessica Lange have this shape... good for me :-) I love Catherine Zeta Jones, and wouldn't mind one bit having her body :-D So, if I weight 130 pounds too, as she does, and dance, as she does, I will :-) (Looking at that CZJ "raw" image on left... well... perhaps. Except that I won't have as nice legs.)

P.S. I'm looking at Star... they are talking about Reese Witherspoon's 49.5 feet character in Monsters vs. Aliens and Daryl Hannah's 50 feet character in Attack of the 50 foot woman. The name in Swedish is "Wow, my wife is a sexy monster". *sigh*

What makes a girl beautiful?

2009-09-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

These women are not beautiful by my standards. But they are thin... and they care about their looks, have definite style, makeup, hair done, and have self confidence. They act as they were beautiful and the world responds by treating them as if they were. And it's all that really matters.

I, as every other woman on this planet (or so I believe), want to be beautiful. I'm sure my face is already more beautiful, so if I only learn to put on a makeup, get a stylish wardrobe (and I'm sure I would have style, even if I wasn't fashionable), good haircut, learn to run with high heels, exercise a lot and get agile, and - yes, loose half of me... the world would see me as beautiful too :-)

Now, the world would see me as beautiful already today, if I saw myself as beautiful.

2009-09-22T00:57:00.000-07:00

According to this ideal body weight calculator, I should weight around 70 kilos. I weight 105.9 kg. BMI 37.5. Ok, so I'm fat. So?

Diseases linked to obesity are: diabetes, gallstones, problems with breathing, sleep apnea, problems with heart and veins, problems with back and legs and problems with menstruation, fertility and pregnancy.

Now, I have problems with breathing and sleep apnea and problems with legs. It would be nice to not to have pain in knees and ankles and to be able to breathe and sleep normally. I also do NOT want diabetes, gallstones or heart problems.
But nice enough to start loosing weight?

I can have my comfort. Nothing stops me from sitting in a sofa in my flanell nightie and duvet and books and tv. I just have to change my eating and start exercising. That takes only half an hour a day from sofa time. Not too dangerous and hard, don't you agree?

I don't need to sacrifice any of my favorite foods. I can eat anything, just not as much.
Two spoonfuls of macaroni and cheese is just as good as a whole bowl.
A quarter cinnamon roll is just as good as five.
A handful of candy is just as good as a bowlful.
If I eat my candy a handful a day, a bowl lasts a lot longer. I can eat my candy and have it too, you see ;-)
It also saves money which I can use to buy me something else I like, like more yarn, books, CDs, DVDs, jewelry, art... pretty clothes or materials to make pretty clothes. They make very few pretty clothes of my size, and I can sew, so I can make my own pretty clothes. Or I could, if not all my money went on candy and fast food ;-)

I should eat when I'm hungry, what I want and stop eating when I'm not hungry anymore. If it means eating a bite of a sandwich every two hours, then that's what I should do.

I should eat what I eat between 6AM and 6PM. People who eat breakfast and who don't eat at night have better BMI than people who skip the breakfast and eat after 8PM.

I should be drinking water and take my multivitamins and fish oil :-) That helps too.

Here's a very good article to help you decide what changes you need to do to loose weight. If you want to... ;-)

But why loose weight, other than for health reasons?
Health reasons should be enough, but the thing is that I hate the way I look. I think I'm disgusting. I think others think I'm disgusting. I am ashamed of the way I look. I hate being fat. I am ashamed for being fat. It is eating my self confidence. I don't do a lot of things because I'm fat.
I don't go to a gym,
I don't start martial arts training, even though I love martial arts passionately. I drool over swords and watch action movie fight scenes with shining eyes and manic grin.
I don't go to yoga.
I don't do parkour, even though I love that too.
I don't do acrobatics and contortion, and I would love to. I would love to be able to sit on my own head :-D
I don't go bungyjumping nor do any of the extreme things I long to do.
I'm too fat and heavy, people would laugh at me, I would damage myself or the equipment, people would laugh at me...

I want to be beautiful and sexy, and not only to my husband. I want to give my husband a wife to be proud of. I know he's proud of me, because he has expressed it very clearly that he is, but I don't think other guys think he's lucky to have me. I think they laugh at him, pity him, think he's a looser, because I'm fat.

I also want to wear pretty clothes and look good in them. As it is now, I look fat in almost anything, BECAUSE I AM FAT! I don't think I look good. My sisters are all lean and beautiful and dress well, and I'm just fat. I hate going to clothes stores, when the biggest size they have is 42, perhaps 44, and I am size 50. It is extremely painful and humiliating and just increases my feeling of being left out and being ignored. They don't even bother clothing me! I am to wear some old sack and go be ashamed of myself for being such a fat looser, not to come into their posh store with clothes for WOMEN. Fat women are not women, just something... disgusting.
As Oscar de la Renta put it, when asked by a large woman if he could make her clothes; "Madam, I am not an upholsterer, I design CLOTHES" (A statement I will NEVER forgive him. NEVER!)
That story is supposed to be funny, but excuse me for not laughing when a person is reduced into a walking piece of furniture, and especially when it's done by one of the privileged people. His charity work and work for environment doesn't excuse him. Frankly, it's his DUTY to give at least 10 percent of his incomes to charity anyway, and he gets very well paid by people's admiration of his "generosity" and "kindness". Bah! Insensitive, prejudiced b--rd, that's what he is.

Sure, he designs very nice clothes, but let's face it -
anyone can dress a model and make it look good. It takes a real designer to dress a woman who is not perfect and make it look good.
Oscar de la Renta cannot do that.

I am fat, but soon I won't be

2009-09-21T00:54:00.000-07:00

I weigh over 100 kilos. That's over 200 pounds. This year started well. By the Christmas 2008 I went over 100 kilos, got really scared and disgusted with me, started the new year with Atkins, lost 10 kilos, was pleased with me, and then in February I spoiled it all. Came my sister's 50th birthday, came Imbolc, Mardi Gras, and I didn't want to deny me all the goodies... so I didn't. Now, half a year later, I weigh about 105 kilos. I hate myself, I hate my weight, I hate my fat. My husband tries to tell me that he loves my body, just the way it is, but it's not helping much, because I get a slightly bad conscience for hating it so much, wanting to destroy something he likes... I know he will like me 40 kilos lighter too, because it's me he loves, but... I hate being fat.

So, Atkins it is from today on, until I have reached the goal weight. It's not too harsh, I don't plan on going from 105 to 55. I haven't weighed 55 kilos since I was... 13 or something. I don't even plan to get to the "ideal weight" of a woman of my height, 59 kilos. I weighed over 60 kilos already when I was a teenager, and haven't gone back. Was I fat then? No way! I was athletic. Almost pure muscle. But I also have very wide shoulders and breast and back, which makes me look much heavier than I am.

Now I'm going to jump over the long and sad story of my childhood - what is needed to know in this blog is that I was very lonely child, living in the middle of nowhere with no reasonable possibility to join the social gatherings, we were poor and I was bullied since I was 10. I turned to food and candy to try to heal my wounded soul. I used to make myself a batch of fudge when I came home from school - there wasn't anyone home, usually, take the pan and a book and disappear. Candy loved you, tasted good, who ever you were. It still does.
Why would I leave my best friend, my only friend, simply because it makes me fat?

So what I need to do is to realize that candy is not my friend. It's like a neighborhood dealer. It gives me a high and I pay with my health, physical, mental and social.

The problem is that I can't see anything I could replace it with. I don't trust people, thanks to the 30 years of abuse I have received from them. People are fickle, self-centered, forgetful and untrustworthy... It's not that they could do anything about it. I'm the same way. I think of only what I see everyday, it's out of sight, out of mind. I have my own problems and life closest my heart, and don't see others' problems and situations, why would they see mine? I fully understand WHY people are fickle, self-centered, forgetful and untrustworthy, but the fact remains that that is what they are. Every social meeting, whether it's two people meeting each other at the street, or a 80000 people at a concert, is a soup of situations and problems and troubles and worries and hopes and thoughts and feelings and moods and chemistry...
You can trust in simple chemistry of cooking and baking and candy-making. You can trust the can of ice cream. You can trust the bag of candy. You can trust your daily bread and pasta, butter and cream.

Frankly, I just want to be with my candy and my books. It's safe. It's nice. It's rewarding. It's comfortable.

How would I learn to choose adventures over safe? I love adventures, I would love to be an action heroine, a person who goes to places no-one else has ever been, a person doing extreme things, climbing Mount Everest, diving, bungyjumping, skydiving, going to Moon, walking around the world... with my physical condition that's not going to happen. I doubt I have the mental strength needed either. I rather watch Lara Croft and Modesty Blaise and dream of it.

What would be the alternative to comfort? I have such a need for comfort... a huge, big hole inside of me, yearning for comfort... a soft cocoon to protect me... I would much rather sit by a fireplace in a big, comfy chair and footstool, dressed in flanell nightgown, thick robe, slippers or thick, knitted socks (not itchy kind), with a good book, a cup of hot chocolate and a dog than go clubbing dressed in something very nice and high heels, being beautiful, slim and wild. The mere idea of going clubbing freezes me... So cold. So exposed. So vulnerable, naked, open... asking to be hurt. No. I want my chair, blankie and hot chocolate. And my teddybear.

I don't dare to eat. Food is keeping me from being thin... but why would I want to be thin?

I want to eat carbs. I want to eat pasta with thick, fat sauce, spicy and salty, and a nice, white bread with a lots of butter on. I want danish pastries and butter croissants and cinnamon buns. Washed down with cold milk or hot, strong tea with milk.
But that's what got me into this "fat suit" in the first place...

The truth is that food doesn't taste as good anymore.