I have been working on my self-esteem.
Today I realized that I have a really weird idea of sex, beauty, relationships and men.
Well... as if I didn't know that earlier, but I have internalized the patriarchal idea of that "woman, without her man, is nothing". I really truly believe women are defined through men.
A woman should be married or at least in a committed relationship, to be able to be anything or anyone. If I think of a female entrepreneur, a self-made woman, a rich woman,
she probably got the position through marriage or heritage, or in a
traditionally female area, like beauty.
Because of this, his needs and wishes trump mine. I can get what I
need and want only after he's satisfied.
I also believe that men choose their women because they are beautiful or maternal, how ever the man in question defines beauty/mother. Which is the reason to why some men choose women who are not beautiful. Or if not maternal or beautiful, a good housekeeper and/or damn good in bed. Or at least a virgin. Or at least very inexperienced. So that he'd at least had the thought that he's the only one...
And I'm not a good housekeeper and I'm not beautiful and I don't have children, so... sex is the only thing I have left, with which I can get/keep a man... And I'm obsessed with sex. I think about it all the time, most of my fantasies are about sex, and in those fantasies I'm someone else, because - hey... no man would want me. Me, the way I am. (Yes, I'm married, and that fact puzzles me all the time... but, he's exceptional, so...) I am practically sex addict. So much so that when I went to Pinterest and deleted my "erotica" board, it hurt. It felt as if I cut of an essential part of me, that I lost something valuable and precious...
And so on and so forth... this can is so full of worms that are so entangled, I could pat the mass of worms out of the can and they would still be in can shape...
My husband got a bit angry with me when I told him this. Because he has always thought of me as an equal partner and a friend, and my beauty and skills in bed are just a bonus...
I can understand him. I mean... it's not HE who is enforcing the patriarchal grid on this family and this woman... it's ME. And by doing that I'm making HIM the villain. I'm blaming him of having all kinds of attitudes and preferences he doesn't have, and I'm abusing myself, removing him the right and possibility to be my friend and partner and companion... robbing him the possibility to be there for me, and fulfill my wishes and needs... and reducing him into... a shallow, power-crazy sex-fixated idiot.
It was a surprise to me too, because I have always KNOWN men and women are equal. I have always KNOWN marriage and love relationships are about friendship. But what I KNOW and what I BELIEVE are two different things... and that I did not know. You see, another thing I KNOW is that it doesn't matter what we KNOW, we will act upon what we BELIEVE, ALWAYS.
I blame my mother for these ideas, my mother and romance novels. We need more books about girl power.
"Oh dear, I'm afraid I have already slayed the dragon, defeated the evil queen and saved the kingdom... but it is truly splendid you all offered to help."